dancing all by yourself

your whole life, you have danced alone.
on this stage all by yourself.
you are so comfortable in your space.
the music is all yours.
the beat controls your movement.
you dont follow no one
coz the rhythm comes to you.
you do as you wish
you sway as you want.
you are not perfect
but the stage is all yours.
you are drowning in it
but only in joy you drown you dance you move.
unknowingly capturing the eyes of many.
you are not used to that
because in real life no one pays you any attention.
but they do on this stage
some with malicious intentions
some with wonder
some just wanna join you in having fun

but you
you have danced all by yourself all your life
you do not know how to sync with another
you do not understand how some songs are meant for two
you do not feel comfortable when someone steps in your bubble
so you apologize
or you fight

its okay darling
just go on being you
just keep on dancing alone
one day you will find someone who learns what moves you
then may you find your dance partner

realization

when you realize that you have no self-esteem, self-confidence at all. when you realize that you have been putting on a facade. when you realize that you are nothing but a coward. when you realize all these you realize how broken you truly are, you realize that you may never find happiness, you realize that you do not have a direction in life. and when this is realized you will feel pain, and wonder what went wrong, and the fact is you will never know. you will just keep pretending,  pretending nothing in this world can hurt you, pretending that everything is okay, keep putting on a smile and swallowing every hurt hurled at you. Its okay.. you will numb sooner or later.. then everything is okay..

Unhappy

I am beginning to think that I suck at a being a person.
I am frustrated living here, I have no problem with my work and work is pretty fine.
But I don't have any friends. My colleagues are super unfriendly, they only speak french and mingle among themselves. If they tell a joke, and all of them are laughing, they don't bother to tell us. If there is something going on, bad or good, everything is hush hush. That includes my boss as well. Everyday, I go to work, do my work and sit at my desk. I buy lunch and have it at my desk. The only friendly person I have encountered is the lady at the cafeteria who sells me my food. This is beginning to get to me. I feel unhappy to be in this state. Then I go to french class. Everyone is friendly and all, at least in class. But most of them have cliques and other friends. I never get invited out for drinks or anything basically. Today, the girl I thought who could be my friend, said she hated me and called me a bitch. I don't even know whether she was joking and she meant it. Seriously. there must be something wrong with me. I know I am an introvert and most of the time I don't mind being alone. But this is too much and before this place I have had people to be friends with (who still are my friends), people who loved me (still loves me). This place is sucking my happiness away from me. I used to smile a lot, even when I am sad. Now, sometimes I can't even bring myself to smile anymore. I tell myself, I am strong, I am okay, I am doing just fine, to lift my head up and walk proudly because I am perfect in the way I am, Then I cry while walking home (alone).

English Classic Hits- Triggered Memories

Sometimes I wonder who am I writing all this for? I don't get a response and most of them the post is probably "read" by bots. Then, I realize I don't need an audience, I am mostly writing because I want to, because writing allows me to vent some for my feelings out, as pent up as they can be. Hence, this blog has become a diary to me, a personal outlet where I can be creative, lame, boring, exciting, angry, happy, knowledgeable, irritating, so on and so forth. So, when you are reading most posts here (except those tagged under poetic), I am just being myself, typing out whatever I am feeling at that moment. Sometimes, there is a more true me in my writings rather than the one I present in real life.

Anyway, today I was listening to old English songs (which include Tie a Yellow Ribbon around the Old Oak Tree, In the Ghetto, Daddy Cool, Country Road, Don't Cry Joni) and I was reminded of a journey made in 2002.

December 2002, Mum, my sisters and I boarded the MAS airplane heading to Kaoshiung, Taiwan. We were going there to for holiday with Appa who was working there at that time. The plane we took made a stop transit at Kota Kinabalu, and we were allowed to disembark from the plane for a short while to visit the airport. Now, I remember my second sister who at that time was 14 years old was very besotted with the air steward, so she actually gave the crew of the flight a box of chocolate (of course, she gave it to the person she liked, but claiming it was for all) that was bought in the KK airport where we stopped for transit. I also remember her being angry at the steward/ maybe it was me during final disembarkation because the steward smiled at me. I can't really remember what was my reaction to that, but I'd like to think that I probably goaded at her, like a true sister. We got on visa on arrivals, thank god without any trouble and mostly because we sisters all spoke Mandarin. At the terminal, appa was waiting and we boarded his jeep. Thinking it was rather late we would be heading back to wherever we were staying. But no, we were first brought to be introduced to all my father's colleagues, and bosses. This took place in a tiny shop that sold fresh seafood (out of the tanks). There was like about 10-15 of us, seated on small stools. And speaking the mother tongue of my father's colleague, we practically charmed the pants off most of them. Finally, we were brought to a motel where we were to spend our stay at (this I believe was paid by my dad's boss). Seriously, at that time, exposed to the motels back home where things were crap, I was expecting the worst. When we arrived, I was surprised, for one they had strict security at the entrance of the motel itself. Second, we had our own garage at our unit for parking, from where you take the stairs up to the room. So, my dad and mum, got a smaller room and we 3 sisters got a suit or something like that. Now, this part is probably one of the most amazing part of my stay in Taiwan. The room had a small living room with a futon and a bedroom with a king sized bed where all 3 of us could fit in. But the bathroom was my highlight, it was huge, and beautiful. Most importantly it came equipped with a jet bathtub, a jacuzzi and a steam sauna. Of course also a full body shower, which shoots at every part of your body. Honestly I was wowed and right then and there I vowed that next time I bought a place for my place its gonna be exactly like that. 

The next morning, we were served breakfast in our room, which happened unexpectedly and was rather amusing when we think back about it. I think we were all deep in sleep.(I was sleeping closes to the door, squashed in between me and my second sis, was my third sis) Then, suddenly, we felt someone jumping on us, and the a loud crash, and it was my second sister who panicked with the incessant ringing at 7am and jumped over us and crash landed on the floor. Up to now, I still crack up when I remember this scene we woke up to. Haha.. Anyway, the rest of the stay involved visiting places, meeting my dad'd friends, sitting at a roadside shop and watching people chew away the betel leaves, visiting more places, meeting more friends, making new friends. There are just too many memories for me to be detailing out one by one (otherwise this post would be pages long). Some of my father's friends became our friend who we kept in touch intermittently via facebook. My father's boss' daughters are our friend on Facebook too. 

Well, I missed the point right? The reason the English old songs reminded me of this memory, was because whenever we were in father's jeep during out stay in Taiwan, we were belting out the songs by heart and without music. All of us, my sisters, my dad, my mum and I together in sync, some louder than others, but nevertheless together, singing these songs in an order that we remember from listening to the CDs back home. I think that was a precious memory, our togetherness at that moment. 

I miss them - My sisters (all grown up, all with their own life), my Appa (who has passed away almost 4 years ago), my Amma (who is 10180km away from me).

#thoughts  

#memories

#missinghome 

Love yourself

Loving yourself is the most difficult thing to do.
What would expect from others if you cannot love yourself, more over even respect yourself?
I think when you love yourself, you are automatically respecting yourself, you are taking care of yourself, you are building your confidence, and then you are ready to love everyone else in the world, be it your family, friends and even foe.
But loving oneself is the most difficult thing, ain't it?

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

#thoughts

The look

You know how sometimes when you say like you like this singer or that actor or that band, people will give you "the look". The condescending look like how could you like this person/ thing/ song. Yeah, I am sure most have received that look. In fact I am sure that I myself have previously given the look to others. And when you receive that look, you'd be like (i) defending your fav or (ii) feeling embarrassed for not "keeping up to trend". I, unfortunately, fall in the second category. I get highly embarrassed and will never mention that ever again. Although that doesn't mean that I have stopped loving whatever is it I am loving. Over the years, I have kept a lot of my favorite artist/actor/idol locked up tight in my heart, not sharing with anyone except close friends ~but sometimes even the close friends are capable of hurting your likes and dislikes~ Now, I still keep them close in my heart, but it is not because I am embarrassed, its more like I couldn't be bothered to share with you if you continue to diss them, and it is not worth the heartache. We all have our reasons for liking (or disliking) someone or something, and if you are not agreeable, just respect the other peoples' choice!

So, to conclude let me share with you actor/singers/idols/band that I have loved throughout my life (and mind you, some of them I still love)

1. Tommy, my first love, from the Power Rangers (I know this is just a character, but still people look at me like, how old are you? you watched Power Rangers? etc. I love watching Tommy, and the other rangers as well, now and then I still watch old series on youtube)
2. Aragorn, my second love, from Lord of the Rings (Yeah, yeah, no one ever judges me for loving him or the Lord of the Rings. The movie is that awesome)
3. Gong Yoo, after coffee prince, it was not only the character, but the his acting skills in that drama, that made me fall for him, of course he is not perfect, some of his drama aren't that great, but he can act
4. Kamenashi Kazuya, from KAT-TUN. Honestly, I don't think I have ever liked anyone this much. I first saw him in a drama, his acting, his micro-emotions just had me done. From there, I grew to love KATTUN too. Now I love everyone from KATTUN. (Here is where I get the terrible look, its just another idol band, who can't sing, whose members can't act, and the list goes on. You know, no, you actually don't know, but its okay for you to not know, as long as you aren't coming to face, and insulting me and my taste.)\

Hahaha.. So that's all for today. Tune in sometime soon. Au revoir

Moving to another country

Two months and a week ago, I moved to another country. This time it's for work. Before leaving, I was always asked whether I was getting excited to leave. But no, honestly I did not feel "excitement", I did not understand why either, because it has been a long, long dream of mine to go to another country, to experience life elsewhere, to travel around the world. But yet, when the time came, I did not feel excited. I was not reluctant, nor was I sad. It was more like, yeah, its about time, and I am just thankful, and at the same hesitant to leave my mum alone. Nevertheless, 2  and 1/2 months later I am here in my room far away from home typing this piece of shit out. 

Before I left, I was so tied down with getting my visa, where the embassy sort of gave me fucking hell lots of problem, shuffled here and there. I was thinking, shouldn't the embassy be more welcoming, shouldn't they be more helpful? But I know, the lady was just doing her job, and probably meant well (she didn't want me to get into any trouble with the city administration here). So, I only got my visa 2/3 weeks before I was scheduled to leave. And with only my visa and lodging in mind, I never did research about the country, nor the city I was gonna live in for the next two years. I came here totally unprepared, and unwilling of help from colleagues. Still, I managed, lugging behind me 40kg worth of stuff, I boarded the plane, and I realized 99% of the passengers were French speaking. At that moment, I realize I got myself in deep shit (haha). Still, I was not worried, sat beside a guy who looked like he wanted to talk to me for the whole journey, but I was faster, jamming the earphones, pulling up my hoodie, I practically retreated into my shell (the anti-social being I am). So, I watched movies, I ate, and I slept and only during the last leg of the journey, did the guy manage to speak to me, trying to find out everything he could. He didn't speak French, and spoke Dutch, but with his halting English, he actually was kind enough to guide me through the airport and immigration where I bade him farewell. 

Next, with my limited French (thanks, monsieur Point), I managed to find my way to the train station, bought a train ticket where the mademoiselle kindly told me that I had to switch trains at certain stops. The bag was a b***h to haul up and down the train. When I reach my switch stop, I got down from the train and realized that I didn't know which track to take my train from. I paced up and down, and found a fellow passenger from the east who was looking just as bewildered as I was. Despite being antisocial, I struck up a conversation and found out that he was meant to get off here but he doesn't know where the exit is. So, off we went to an adventure of finding an exit for him and then realized that there were 2 exits, and Mr. East was not sure where he was supposed to go. I couldn't accompany him anymore, so I bid him adieu and continued searching for the track I was supposed to on. I find a board detailing the trains and their tracks. And I found 2 heading to where I was supposed to go, they were just 5 minutes apart and on totally different tracks. Again, the shy and unpleasant me had to approach another kind soul who explained to me that both trains go there, it's just that they take different routes. She wants kind enough to help me search on her app, for which train will arrive my destination earliest, An off I go to my track, waiting patiently for the train to arrive. Suddenly a guy with as many luggage as I had, along with his guitar approach me and start speaking to me in French. I said no speak french, and he happily switched to English and asked me whether I could look after his luggage while he grabbed some food to eat. He even offered to grab me some (which I declined). So, I said sure, no problem and he was gone. 5 minutes, I was panicking, because I starting thinking too much, like what if he had drugs in luggage or something, and I was in a foreign country, and i was advised to not handle stranger's luggage...blah blah blah.. of course that was me overthinking and poof, he was back with a sandwich in his hands. And I found a conversation partner who helped me with my killer luggage and thought I was very brave to travelling alone to another country without speaking the language, and without any plans... 

Well, I was not brave, I am not brave now too.. I am just a scared little nerd who had always wanted to travel (when I was young I wanted to a pilot to travel around the world), and opportunity came, and I lunged at it. Seriously though, I managed to make to my lab, and to my temporary residence. And I, with minimal help, managed to find myself a decent little studio (with a bathtub~my favorite), get all administrative stuff sorted out. I was proud of myself. But I have not managed to make any new friends, a little bit saddening, but its alright, because I am at the age where i don't need many friends, just as long as I can keep in touch with my best friends, thats enough that makes me happy.

Okay

Its okay to cry, you know

Its okay to laugh

Its okay to snort

Its okay to fart

Its okay to burp

Its okay to be yourself

Its okay to love yourself

Its okay to love everyone else

But its not okay to hurt someone intentionally 

Its never okay to tear people up

Its not okay to insult or malicious tease others

So be a kind human

spread the love, stop the ill-will

may there one day be peace

Thank you

Hey there,

I have not updated anything new about myself recently, have I?

If you are reading this blog ~hahaha,.. I am pretty no one is~, then you must have seen my angry personal blogs and also some very random poetic attempts of mine.

I graduated last year, you know. Getting there was not an easy journey. First, I lost my dad before he even got a chance to know I was gonna do my PhD. Then my supervisor schedules my seminar 3 weeks after he dies. I was so frustrated at that time, couldn't get anything right, broke down at weirdest moment. Went to get superb drunk one night with my friend, ending puking in the toilet later. You know, I almost backed out of doing a phd. Then I thought to myself, what am i gonna do then? How am I gonna support my family, I have a mum and a younger sister who will be depending on me. I had 6 dogs at home that need to be fed. So, I decided to continue, to strive along, not give up and make my parents proud.

These 3 years, I had many travelling opportunities, I met great people, people whom still have place in my heart. I has great company and friends, but somewhere along the line, somewhere in 2014, there was a rift between me and my supervisor. It all started with my thesis, although I had finished writing and given her for correction, she told me that  I need that 2 publication (which mind you, I already had), and don't need to submit my thesis until the paper which was just sent for revision was accepted. I was so angry, because she had no problem with my thesis, everything was done well, i had all the necessities to submit my thesis, but for some reason, she just didn't want me to do so. I should have left then, should have listened to my mum. But no, I was too naive, too stupid, too kind-hearted because later when she begged me to not leave her lab after I completed my thesis, i stayed. And hell broke loose in September 2014. I think I have never felt that abused in my whole life. I have felt as used as I was for the 6 months that i was there. I lost my self confidence, I lost my esteem, I lost all good memories that I had of that place. I was broken, I hit rock bottom, and remained there until the line was crossed, where I was accused to be a lousy teacher. I left. And i think that was one of the best decision I made in my whole life, I would be jobless for the next few months, but I regained myself. I became happier, I was smiling sincerely once more, I lived without fear and humiliation.

But you know, all through this diversity, I had my mum and the memory of my dad, my aunt, my sisters, my brother-in-law, my niece, my 2 good friends who walked every step with me. Some who cried with me, some that made me laugh openly, some who were silently suffering together with me. You know, without them I really really wouldn't have survived these years. I wouldn't be here now.

So despite being late for this year's thanksgiving, I want thank god for all of you who have been the pillar of my life. Thank you all for being here and there, still being here and there for me. Thank you for everything, every memory, every tear, every smile, every gift, every time spent. I love you all

Random

Topic 1
There are days when I just wanna give up. Today is one of them. Actually I take that back, I have been feeling like this since last Thursday. Nothing complicated has happened, yet it feels like every single thing is complicated and the whole universe together is conspiring against me. Now, I wish this feeling to go away, shoo shoo go away and never come back again.

Topic 2
Time flies, doesn't it? Extremely fast. I left my job at the end of March. And before I know it, it is already end of August. In a months time, I will be spreading my and flying away. I spent 5 months, not working in the lab but elsewhere, working at home, learning new skills- plumbing, tiling, repairing, spending time with my darlings (Amma and my sweetheart). I feel refreshed, and I am ready for another adventure.

Food and knowledge

My parents taught me some very important things in life, one of them being 

"Don't be selfish with your food and knowledge"

Share your food and always prioritize other people's hunger than your own, giving them whatever/ however little you have with you. I try to do that, I try my best, but sometimes when I see some people, especially the ones who come and eats and doesn't give a damn about whether others have eaten, I really really feel like I want to hide my food away. Store it away, hide it away, don't let them see because they are really greedy with no conscience at all. But then my mother is very smart and she knows her daughter very well, and she knows who these people are, and she will scold me before I have even done anything. She says its okay, don't become like them and stoop to their level, its okay its okay, karma will bite them in their ass. So I am still okay with sharing/giving my food away.

Now, knowledge is other hand a very different thing. From young I have been taught to share my knowledge. Attending my primary school however taught me that not everyone is as generous with their knowledge, There are some sneaky assholes that go around "acquiring" knowledge from everybody else but when they are asked for some "knowledge" in return or otherwise, they will say "I don't know" or "I am not smart" or "I also don't understand". Then during the exams they go and score a million marks, with their smug little smirks. These people pisses me off and I have learnt to share my knowledge with those who do not fall into that criteria. There is also another category of people that pisses me off, those who do not make any effort to learn at all. Always expecting some spoon-feeding, to give them all the answers to the universe. Unfortunately, I can't stand people like that either.

I fail in following my parents teachings, and I can justify this as my survival in this fucked up world!!

Let it go

Sometimes it will be easier to just let it all go.

To let them do whatever they want to do.

Allow them to take your hard work

grant them the opportunity to step over you

Sometimes it will be better to just to all that

But then you sit down and think

about the years you spent

about the time you slogged

about the sweat and blood you dripped

about the sacrifices your family and friends made for you

you think it is only easy to say let it all go

never easy to do, never sits right on your conscience

because it is your work it is what you did

and why should let anyone else meddle with your shit

when its yours and those who worked hard on it

and you fight, you cry, you shed a million tears

and then you get tired

and finally decide you have had enough

you have had enough

you had done enough

and it is time to let go 

and time to leave

the world today

Violence..
everywhere
robbery, snatch thefts, raping, murder, war..
the world is seeing its doom
whats more pathetic and scary
is that
no one helps, no one offers help,
no one tries to help
passerby just look, no offer of help
just looking
how pathetic have we become
how low have we sunken to
how much lower can we go
until we no longer emote
no longer are humans

Not this again

Oh god, there it comes again

Seems like I am doomed with these issues

Seriously, can't you guys work it out amongst yourselves?

I don't wanna get invloved

I am tired of this problem

I am tired of being the middleman

I am tired of being the puppet

Frankly, I don't care if I am not first author and shit

But I don't want to be in-between

I've had enough for the first

I and him may done the shit

you may have tutored us

and you may have supervised us

but you didn't do no shit

and if I have to sit down and write it by myself

and frankly I think you guys don't deserve first not last

maybe i'll be first

and he'll be last

and you guys can stick it in the middle

Hohoho and how i wish i can say all this in front your faces!!!!

The damaged good

I am thinking.
Yeah, I am always thinking.
Sometimes I think too much
most of the time I try to stop thinking

You know, on the surface I may look like a confident woman. But half of the time, I am just a self-deprecating person, who totally don't feel confident at all. From young, I have always heard fat people are slow, and lazy and slow-minded. I guess the words weren't targeted at me, mostly I think derived by the too-observant little self, who takes in more than the adult can think of (which is why I advocate not gossiping/badmouthing in front of young ones). I have heard more than I should have probably. I knew I was fat from a young age. Then I went to school, and things only became worse, not only I was fat, now I was black (in a sea of yellow skinned people). These people made me feel the worst. But my young self was a relentless little girl, I must have thought then, if I can't be pretty, or look nice, then I will use my brains to fight these people off. I will show them that if I can't beat them in the "looks" area, then I will use my smartness. I had six years of miserable life (those were the worst years I guess), I fought a tough and long battle, only to be pushed down again and again (even literally), but that strong little fighter in me didn't give up. I never felt appreciated for my talents, always sidelined, so that someone with "better looks" can take the lead. Although secondary school was way better than primary school, I still faced some uncanny individuals bent on making my miserable or just had a word to say about my looks. Not always, I had many friends, true ones though rare. At home, relatives, the first thing they ask when they see me is why aren't you losing weight? or haven't you put on weight? Oh god, I am doing so well in other areas/aspect of life, and you can only pick this to comment on? So superficial. Someone is always telling me, lose your weight and all the guys will come after you like stray dogs. And one day I got tired of hearing her say this, so I told her I'd rather not have any strays following me. I want a man who can appreciate me as I am. And she was stunned. One classmate asked me, are you sure you and your sister are from the same parents? One colleague, when I said my crush spoke to me, she said you sure he was speaking to you. when someone told her a guy was flirting with me, said are you sure he was flirting? One friend told me all the people here are fat because they are eating so much and i told him, well I am fat too, which he then said oh you are not fat. When I sat down to watch a crush play basketball game, a security guard walked past and told me to my face, people like you, do you think anyone will reciprocate your feelings? And things like this go on and on. And it will never end.

I always tell myself after very conversation "sticks and stone may break my bone but words will never hurt me". I tell myself don't pay heed to people who hurt you, don't mind their words, don't take to heart. But you know, words have their ways on people, the way they seep into your soul and hurt you. They imprint themselves, gnawing at your conscious, brainwashing your mind, tearing your soul. And the damage is done. So, today I still don't dare to believe even if someone did like me, I would brush them off, and or pretend like we're just good friends. I don't understand when someone flirts with me, because I am made to believe that I am not worthy of their attention. I get tongue-tied, I get awkward because in my head you shouldn't be flirting with me, you shouldn't be paying attention to me. 

You see, how damaging words can be. Yeah I am confident in every other thing I do, yet when it comes to myself, I fail. That's how damaged I am.

So people, next time do think a little before you speak, and its not only me who is suffering, people who are fat who are suffering, but generally everybody at one point of their life who have had been made to believe that they weren't important enough, not good enough, not right enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough.

I am damaged. I don't want the future children to face the same that I have or perhaps have done to some others unconsciously. Always encourage each other, lift each other up, try to make everyone smile and maybe one day the world will be a better place