Annoyed

How easily i get annoyed

annoyed because of little things

irritated because of certain actions

then getting all depressed

because i get annoyed and irritated

at meaningless things

and most importantly at people who mean the world to me

and especially when i conscious that I am hurting them

and what's the point is feeling regret

when all has been said and done

when regret don't mean a thing

when this keeps happening again and again

this side of me that never seems to change

as much as i feel like i need to change

i still get bloody annoyed and irritated

Envy?

sometimes i bloody hate why the hell I am still here

but just sometimes

when everyone seems to be somewhere

having a family

having a stable job

having fun studying in place I wanna be

having lots of fun in life

with many hobbies

and I am all stuck here.

Not that i don't like what I am doing

I take everything I do with the same fervor I take in life

serious and yet i try my best to make as fun as possible

perhaps I am just envious of people

Looking at others, seeing their achievements, and their enjoyment

makes me feel like I haven't been doing the best in my life

Envy: one of the greatest sin

Envy brings unhappiness right?

I shouldn't be envious of others and of what they have

because I have done enough ~trying my best to console myself that I've tried my best~

because I have a family, a roof over my head and food on my table

I am thankful, and for that i am glad

yet sometimes, i feel so envious of others

just because I feel I deserve better ~i am a SNOB for saying this, right?~

because I feel i haven't given my best ~i am trying though..~

I hate the me today

I wonder what did I do to myself and my dreams

why I am here?

~Fret not~ consoling myself ~one day, your day will come when you can soar high and achieve whatever you want to achieve, just hold on, keep holding on~

Leave

Go on

make a move

show me what you've got

prove that you are you

if not, just leave

don't waste my time

don't waste your breathe

go on

move on

find someone else

someone who is good enough for you

go on

show or leave

trust and me

how do i state this

how do i tell you all these

how do i open my heart to you

and let you in

when i am so insecure

when i am full of mistrust

when i am one who trust no one

so pray tell me how do i let you in

will you work your way in

will you never stray too far from me

will you slowly earn my trust

or you will just leave me

cause i am too big of a burden

too quiet for your liking

too sudden with my gestures

and you have given up on me

Don't come any closer

Don't come any closer

your smell invades

permeates my cells

every single one of them

Don't come any closer

your touch hurts

leaving unseen marks

invisible yet always there

Don't come any close

your hold transfixes

holds me still

send my heart into a running mess

Don't come any closer

your whispers confuses

brain goes haywire

half tuned half gone

Don't come any closer

Any closer

I'll burn, be burned

combust and turn to ash

Don't come any closer

any closer

i'll turn around and run

cause all i really wanna do is crush into you

you

in my dreams

you appear

always faceless

with tender love

why are you faceless

why are you so tender

why do you hold me like that

and whisper sweet nothingness

but you only come in my dreams

your kisses is just a dream

who are you

will you ever appear

and make everything alright

Disturbed

Disturbed

this is how i feel (today)

depressed

bouncing way back to reality

sometimes i wonder, is my acting that good that people really see me as a full of self-confidence person? or i am really full of self-confidence?

on days like today

all i feel is self-loathe

self-hatred and self pity

i feel like i am the worst person in the world

i remember, that one day when I sat there and watch him play basketball, just sitting there admiring him (as i've always done, admiring him from afar), and then it happened someone saw me and said this "people like you (fat and ugly) don't even think of having a crush, do you think that guy will like you, do you know how embarrassing it would be for him to know that someone like you likes him?". I was astounded, i only watched him (from afar), and i've never even approached him, I was hurt but i did not show the person my hurt. I put a smile on my face, sat there for another 15minutes (the maximum my heart could take, before it decided it couldn't last any longer) and walked away with a smile. All i wanted to do was cry, in fact! I never meant to hurt or embarrass anyone. All the way I walked with a smile, occasionally cracking a joke or two with my friends. And when I reached my room, i jumped into my bed, and stared at the double decker above me, willing my tears away, hoping my friends would leave me alone, so that i can wallow in my self loathsome. They didn't leave, (and today I am very thankful for that) and they seem to detect my distress. The next thing i know, i had two friends on both sides of me, holding me close, and telling me it's ok to cry, it's ok, don't listen to a fuck that guy was saying, don't ever think that way, you're beautiful, you're fine as you are. With all that hugs and kisses on my face, naturally my dam broke, and for the very first time, my walls cracked, i was heaving, sobbing, crying my eyes out to the two bestest friends i've had.

now, (today)

when I sat in that bus and saw you

i wonder why did those words of that bastard come back

why did i not forget them already

or how much truth was in what that guy had said

and my smile naturally faded away and my eyes welled with tears

and i decided, go back to reality

because those words seems like reality (today)

I wish

I am trying hard
to forget, but I think it's bcoz I still cannot forgive you
or maybe I can't forgive myself

I wish I was by your side
You were the only who can understand me
Know what to say and what not to say
you knew how to calm my fear

I wish you were by my side
You talked to me openly
no secrets, just talk on and on
and I never grew bored

I wish we were still together
bcoz it seemed like we were meant for each other
maybe not in the way I want it
but it was there, strong and sure
our love for each other

But now... I just wish

we are just together

Delusional me

do you think i'm delusional?

i appear giddy and giggly

but don't ever think i am delusional

i know where i stand

i know where is my place

i've been reminded of my place

constantly

that i've got it all in my head

i know how i look

just average looking face

with a below average looking body

i know exactly how i look in your eyes

i know how is it

because i wouldn't look at myself if i were you

i try not to get my hopes up

when with friends

all your looks (if they were intended for me)

are for them

that's what i constantly remind myself

to not get my hopes up

but all the same i pretend to be giddy and giggly

as if they were meant for me

and when i am alone

why do you still look

take your eyes away

there's only me there

so why are you still looking

so why are you still staring

i am not gonna make myself delusional

and think that you have "it" for me

but all the same i pretend

to appear giddy and giggly

and remind myself

i'm in no one's league

in no one's league.