happily ever after (not)

"Happily ever after" in storybooks don't exist
You just overcame the first hurdle in life,
and it is only gonna get rough and tough
because you no longer are a single person
you have to share, live together with someone
in a closed up space, for a long time,
you can't be happily ever after
you will have disagreements, misunderstandings
you will be bored, you will go grow tired,
you will be feel unloved, you will have children
you will then less time, then no time,
you will fight, you will bicker, you will get on each other's nerve

but you should also be able to find a way through it all
if you want to, if you both still love and respect each other, find a way through it all
and if there is a need to separate, please do
please do not stay in abusive relationships, be it mentally, physically or even emotionally

so, don't end the story with a happily ever after. because shit happens.

#happyeverafterdontexist

Working in science? The complication piece

The complications in science. 

When I was a bachelor's student, it was much easier. I just had to read and pass my exams. Then I got to my final year, I had a dissertation to do which involved research and stuff. At that point of my life, the only complications that I faced include shortage of reagents. materials, unfriendly.unhelpful seniors aka postgraduate students, making the experiments work, trying to figure out what I am meant to write, boss being a little bias. But that was it.

Then I moved on to work in research, started out a research assistant, with the thought that I had found the field I love. Its true, I did find something I love, still love and am still doing. But I had to grow up. 

Here, when I was working in this particular lab, when you are a research assistant or a postgraduate, you are just "hands and legs". I am really re-quoting the second in command (current boss), that's what he said to our face. You guys just do the work, no need to think. That may sound like an easy job. But we are in the field not to just to the work. The way he said it, it sounded like we did not have the capability to think, and we were stupid. Condescending, that's what I would describe those words. People working in that lab, even for many years rarely published, because it was all hoarded by the superiors. Mostly, we didn't think much of it, because those days, I was still naive, still believed in the good of people. We were also "brainwashed" to think that we aren't capable certain levels, and were made full use of. But its okay, because I had fun, I liked the job, I had good colleagues.

Then, I moved back home, to another lab. I had to start below. That is to be expected, because hierarchic is very important in my country. You pay respect to your seniors, and everyone else you were there earlier then you. In this lab, I had lots of good things happen. I got my PhD, I got to overseas for training, for conferences, for meetings, for holidays. I also found my best friends. But, all this came with a price and more complications. We were expected to work 24/7. You get phone calls at night or on weekends for work matter etc. We were "not allowed" to discuss with our boss. We had a dictator, lab meetings were subordinates reporting to the boss, not a discussion between colleagues and supervisor on how to improve/troubleshoot. We seldom got praises, it was often yellings, shoutings and fear. That's how most of the students and postdocs were, they were living in fear. Now, fear brings further complications. The boss wants results, and she doesn't seem to care how the results were obtained. Therefore, I have seen some manipulations, outright lies, plagiarism. Yet, I can't voice it out, because that's how the shit worked in that lab. Arguing, and pointing out people who shit like that only got me in the black books of my boss. The politics, internal, external, were chaos, were frightening. Like when you speak to someone from another lab, people become suspicious, are you selling out information etc.. hahaha.. it was crap. Then came the matter of publications, if you have seen some of my rantings in this blog, you would know that is whole matter on itself. No doubt, we are given credit for what we do, but the author list and order may sometimes become unbearable. 

Basically, science itself is complicated - to find answer for questions leads only to more questions. But to work in science is altogether another complication - the politics, the hierarchic, the publications, the public relations. And to top all of that, is the meager salary we are paid to work 24/7, because no matter what you say, and how you can plan your work, if you are a scientist, you would have had the "pleasure" of staying back or coming in super early to make sure that time course experiment is going as planned. Not to mention, if you have to fight for the use of the hoods and thermal cyclers. 

if you read this, and if you are a scientist, you agree? 

English Classic Hits- Triggered Memories

Sometimes I wonder who am I writing all this for? I don't get a response and most of them the post is probably "read" by bots. Then, I realize I don't need an audience, I am mostly writing because I want to, because writing allows me to vent some for my feelings out, as pent up as they can be. Hence, this blog has become a diary to me, a personal outlet where I can be creative, lame, boring, exciting, angry, happy, knowledgeable, irritating, so on and so forth. So, when you are reading most posts here (except those tagged under poetic), I am just being myself, typing out whatever I am feeling at that moment. Sometimes, there is a more true me in my writings rather than the one I present in real life.

Anyway, today I was listening to old English songs (which include Tie a Yellow Ribbon around the Old Oak Tree, In the Ghetto, Daddy Cool, Country Road, Don't Cry Joni) and I was reminded of a journey made in 2002.

December 2002, Mum, my sisters and I boarded the MAS airplane heading to Kaoshiung, Taiwan. We were going there to for holiday with Appa who was working there at that time. The plane we took made a stop transit at Kota Kinabalu, and we were allowed to disembark from the plane for a short while to visit the airport. Now, I remember my second sister who at that time was 14 years old was very besotted with the air steward, so she actually gave the crew of the flight a box of chocolate (of course, she gave it to the person she liked, but claiming it was for all) that was bought in the KK airport where we stopped for transit. I also remember her being angry at the steward/ maybe it was me during final disembarkation because the steward smiled at me. I can't really remember what was my reaction to that, but I'd like to think that I probably goaded at her, like a true sister. We got on visa on arrivals, thank god without any trouble and mostly because we sisters all spoke Mandarin. At the terminal, appa was waiting and we boarded his jeep. Thinking it was rather late we would be heading back to wherever we were staying. But no, we were first brought to be introduced to all my father's colleagues, and bosses. This took place in a tiny shop that sold fresh seafood (out of the tanks). There was like about 10-15 of us, seated on small stools. And speaking the mother tongue of my father's colleague, we practically charmed the pants off most of them. Finally, we were brought to a motel where we were to spend our stay at (this I believe was paid by my dad's boss). Seriously, at that time, exposed to the motels back home where things were crap, I was expecting the worst. When we arrived, I was surprised, for one they had strict security at the entrance of the motel itself. Second, we had our own garage at our unit for parking, from where you take the stairs up to the room. So, my dad and mum, got a smaller room and we 3 sisters got a suit or something like that. Now, this part is probably one of the most amazing part of my stay in Taiwan. The room had a small living room with a futon and a bedroom with a king sized bed where all 3 of us could fit in. But the bathroom was my highlight, it was huge, and beautiful. Most importantly it came equipped with a jet bathtub, a jacuzzi and a steam sauna. Of course also a full body shower, which shoots at every part of your body. Honestly I was wowed and right then and there I vowed that next time I bought a place for my place its gonna be exactly like that. 

The next morning, we were served breakfast in our room, which happened unexpectedly and was rather amusing when we think back about it. I think we were all deep in sleep.(I was sleeping closes to the door, squashed in between me and my second sis, was my third sis) Then, suddenly, we felt someone jumping on us, and the a loud crash, and it was my second sister who panicked with the incessant ringing at 7am and jumped over us and crash landed on the floor. Up to now, I still crack up when I remember this scene we woke up to. Haha.. Anyway, the rest of the stay involved visiting places, meeting my dad'd friends, sitting at a roadside shop and watching people chew away the betel leaves, visiting more places, meeting more friends, making new friends. There are just too many memories for me to be detailing out one by one (otherwise this post would be pages long). Some of my father's friends became our friend who we kept in touch intermittently via facebook. My father's boss' daughters are our friend on Facebook too. 

Well, I missed the point right? The reason the English old songs reminded me of this memory, was because whenever we were in father's jeep during out stay in Taiwan, we were belting out the songs by heart and without music. All of us, my sisters, my dad, my mum and I together in sync, some louder than others, but nevertheless together, singing these songs in an order that we remember from listening to the CDs back home. I think that was a precious memory, our togetherness at that moment. 

I miss them - My sisters (all grown up, all with their own life), my Appa (who has passed away almost 4 years ago), my Amma (who is 10180km away from me).

#thoughts  

#memories

#missinghome 

New Year

Happy New Year!!!

A new year, what changes? Just the date needs to be written differently, and I have to remember to write as 1/1/16 instead of 1/1/15. This has been a continuous problem for me, it happens early in the year, but mostly at odd times anytime in the year. Maybe its the trigger of doing some things, that makes you write that particular year. Well, i wouldn't know....

Time flies, 3 months in, I am settling down. Adapting, learning the language etc..

Happy New Year!!!