Thank you

Hey there,

I have not updated anything new about myself recently, have I?

If you are reading this blog ~hahaha,.. I am pretty no one is~, then you must have seen my angry personal blogs and also some very random poetic attempts of mine.

I graduated last year, you know. Getting there was not an easy journey. First, I lost my dad before he even got a chance to know I was gonna do my PhD. Then my supervisor schedules my seminar 3 weeks after he dies. I was so frustrated at that time, couldn't get anything right, broke down at weirdest moment. Went to get superb drunk one night with my friend, ending puking in the toilet later. You know, I almost backed out of doing a phd. Then I thought to myself, what am i gonna do then? How am I gonna support my family, I have a mum and a younger sister who will be depending on me. I had 6 dogs at home that need to be fed. So, I decided to continue, to strive along, not give up and make my parents proud.

These 3 years, I had many travelling opportunities, I met great people, people whom still have place in my heart. I has great company and friends, but somewhere along the line, somewhere in 2014, there was a rift between me and my supervisor. It all started with my thesis, although I had finished writing and given her for correction, she told me that  I need that 2 publication (which mind you, I already had), and don't need to submit my thesis until the paper which was just sent for revision was accepted. I was so angry, because she had no problem with my thesis, everything was done well, i had all the necessities to submit my thesis, but for some reason, she just didn't want me to do so. I should have left then, should have listened to my mum. But no, I was too naive, too stupid, too kind-hearted because later when she begged me to not leave her lab after I completed my thesis, i stayed. And hell broke loose in September 2014. I think I have never felt that abused in my whole life. I have felt as used as I was for the 6 months that i was there. I lost my self confidence, I lost my esteem, I lost all good memories that I had of that place. I was broken, I hit rock bottom, and remained there until the line was crossed, where I was accused to be a lousy teacher. I left. And i think that was one of the best decision I made in my whole life, I would be jobless for the next few months, but I regained myself. I became happier, I was smiling sincerely once more, I lived without fear and humiliation.

But you know, all through this diversity, I had my mum and the memory of my dad, my aunt, my sisters, my brother-in-law, my niece, my 2 good friends who walked every step with me. Some who cried with me, some that made me laugh openly, some who were silently suffering together with me. You know, without them I really really wouldn't have survived these years. I wouldn't be here now.

So despite being late for this year's thanksgiving, I want thank god for all of you who have been the pillar of my life. Thank you all for being here and there, still being here and there for me. Thank you for everything, every memory, every tear, every smile, every gift, every time spent. I love you all

Random

Topic 1
There are days when I just wanna give up. Today is one of them. Actually I take that back, I have been feeling like this since last Thursday. Nothing complicated has happened, yet it feels like every single thing is complicated and the whole universe together is conspiring against me. Now, I wish this feeling to go away, shoo shoo go away and never come back again.

Topic 2
Time flies, doesn't it? Extremely fast. I left my job at the end of March. And before I know it, it is already end of August. In a months time, I will be spreading my and flying away. I spent 5 months, not working in the lab but elsewhere, working at home, learning new skills- plumbing, tiling, repairing, spending time with my darlings (Amma and my sweetheart). I feel refreshed, and I am ready for another adventure.

Depression?

I think I have lots of pent up anger in me. Most of my anger is just towards myself, I am angry with myself for many reasons. Some I know, I should not be angry with myself, yet I can't help but be angry with myself.

I don't know what I am doing with my life. How long more will stay just as undecided as I am now. I cannot make up my mine, I cannot decide on what to do now. I know I have to work, yet my heart just doesn't want to settle for a work, just any work. Naturally, my greatest desire is to study once more. The job I am doing now (research assistant) is the best that I know of that will give me some money yet allow me to learn new things. But the pay is just not enough to support my family. This brings my heart and brains into a conflict, staying always undecided, don't know which way to take. One is rooting for more money (less freedom) and another more education and flexibility. Yet, I just can't decide.

For me, this seems the best just yet. However, I am angry because it is all I can do. I feel a great sense of disappointment with myself. As the eldest in my family, I am practically not contributing anything at all. I am 26years old and yet I can't give the best to my family, I can't relief them of their worries, i don't seem to be able to do anything. The disappointment I feel,slowly turned into anger, and now is quietly pent up in me. I am afraid of what might become, when this anger erupts, how many people am I going to hurt and at the same time, how much am i going to hurt myself.

I don't feel right at all. It is like I am waiting for something to happen. But what will happen, if I just continue sitting here, doing nothing useful. I am like a zombie, moving here and there, trying hard to live, but emotionless except for my budding anger, which is doing me nothing good.

God help me. Please send me your angel to guide me. Or please show me some sign that I am doing this right. God, dear God, I have faith in you, please help me put some faith in myself, so I'll believe myself, believe that I can make it work. I have to make it work, I have to proof that I am no useless person, not a useless daughter, sister, friend and human! Please shed some light......