Angry

I am so tired.. really so tired
I am mentally exhausted, physically exhausted..
I can't do this anymore..
You have no right to do this to me
No right at all
I have done all work, everything i should do
everything little thing, down to the most menial matter
yet in the end you fucking do this to me
FUCK you.. really fuck you
You have no rights to toy me around
to blackmail me, to play around like this
to hold my life in your fucking hands
FUCK you and your shit
FUCK you and your bloody moodswings
FUCK you again again and again
FUCK you until you die
You can't go around changing your mind every 2 seconds
You can't play with peoples' hard work
You can't play with my work.
I've been a good, I've listened to you
But you don't get to toy me around
You wanna play rough, I'll give you rough
you FUCKer!!!

Not this again

Oh god, there it comes again

Seems like I am doomed with these issues

Seriously, can't you guys work it out amongst yourselves?

I don't wanna get invloved

I am tired of this problem

I am tired of being the middleman

I am tired of being the puppet

Frankly, I don't care if I am not first author and shit

But I don't want to be in-between

I've had enough for the first

I and him may done the shit

you may have tutored us

and you may have supervised us

but you didn't do no shit

and if I have to sit down and write it by myself

and frankly I think you guys don't deserve first not last

maybe i'll be first

and he'll be last

and you guys can stick it in the middle

Hohoho and how i wish i can say all this in front your faces!!!!

Depression?

I think I have lots of pent up anger in me. Most of my anger is just towards myself, I am angry with myself for many reasons. Some I know, I should not be angry with myself, yet I can't help but be angry with myself.

I don't know what I am doing with my life. How long more will stay just as undecided as I am now. I cannot make up my mine, I cannot decide on what to do now. I know I have to work, yet my heart just doesn't want to settle for a work, just any work. Naturally, my greatest desire is to study once more. The job I am doing now (research assistant) is the best that I know of that will give me some money yet allow me to learn new things. But the pay is just not enough to support my family. This brings my heart and brains into a conflict, staying always undecided, don't know which way to take. One is rooting for more money (less freedom) and another more education and flexibility. Yet, I just can't decide.

For me, this seems the best just yet. However, I am angry because it is all I can do. I feel a great sense of disappointment with myself. As the eldest in my family, I am practically not contributing anything at all. I am 26years old and yet I can't give the best to my family, I can't relief them of their worries, i don't seem to be able to do anything. The disappointment I feel,slowly turned into anger, and now is quietly pent up in me. I am afraid of what might become, when this anger erupts, how many people am I going to hurt and at the same time, how much am i going to hurt myself.

I don't feel right at all. It is like I am waiting for something to happen. But what will happen, if I just continue sitting here, doing nothing useful. I am like a zombie, moving here and there, trying hard to live, but emotionless except for my budding anger, which is doing me nothing good.

God help me. Please send me your angel to guide me. Or please show me some sign that I am doing this right. God, dear God, I have faith in you, please help me put some faith in myself, so I'll believe myself, believe that I can make it work. I have to make it work, I have to proof that I am no useless person, not a useless daughter, sister, friend and human! Please shed some light......