I suddenly have this urge to talk about the guys I have had fallen for.

My 1st one, is a guy from school. About my height, not muscular (almost towards being thin), small but charming eyes, and a smile that could lift my world. We were good friends. We hung out quite a bit. But by the time i realized i liked him, he already had a girlfriend. But that never stopped us in being friends. Not many realized i liked him, except for a few close friends. And they were not very happy with my choice. said i had absolutely bad taste in men. But he was my first, I did not listen. When he broke up with his girl, I stood by him. I watched his tears, his anger, I consoled, and was a shoulder for him to cry. It pained me to see him cry. Months later, I finally found the courage to tell him that I like him. He rejected me but in a nice way (I think). It did not really hurt me much, I was just glad we still could be friends, even if I had to forget about him. when we left school and parted, we still wrote to each other (absence of hp and my particular interest in writing letters). We talked bout stuff and so on. he always gave me advice. But, slowly letters stopped coming in, i guess that was bcoz we both were busy with our own life. Then, one day, I met him (and his friends) at a bus. He pretended to not know me, he did that, he just ignored me. Not a word, nothing at all. I was so disappointed. Extremely disappointed, not to mention the fact that we rode the same bus. I was crying all the way back home, I cried and cried, and cried. I just couldn't believe he did that. He could not love me back,I understand, but I couldn't accept that he ignored a close friend. He tore my heart. It took me months to recover, to forget and even longer to forgive. My heart never became the same again after that.

My 2nd was during my Uni years. This guy is slightly taller than me, looks more muscular, wears specs, walks straight with an air of arrogance. I was first attracted to his voice. To the way he dared to ask what was on his mind without fearing that people might hate him. He's always alone, walks alone, eats alone. I like him from the very beginning. But his arrogance, really left a distaste in my mouth. I talked about him in Chinese, not realizing that he knows Chinese. Too late, but he din say anything. He probably din realize i existed. Then our first group assignment together, the first sentence he asked me was, why i did i speak such bad BM. I was surprised and covered myself with a joke. But i did not hate him, I was awed by his frankness, even though it hurt. All it did was to allow my admiration for him to grow. yet I was never in his eyes. I did not know anything about him as well. For 3 years I liked him secretly. Watching him, listening to him, feeling his pain when he told me he was dumped, watching him pretend to be happy, trying to understand him. But nothing was done face to face, all was through msges. We never talked when in public unless the occasion permitted it. I always wondered why was it like that.

Maybe you were wondering did ever tell him I loved him? Yeah, I did after 4 years i told him. Of course, only to be rejected again. "Definitely not your fault", he said, just like the first guy, "definitely nothing to do with u". Hmmmm, I was hurt by the first guy i liked, maybe if i did not have that much fear in me, perhaps i would have gotten the second one? Or maybe (like i prefer to believe) these were all not meant to be. I will meet someone who will truly love and take care of me. And if I don't, it's ok because I've loved and am being loved right now by all those around me. I am thankful for their presence and unending love for me. :)