the world today

Violence..
everywhere
robbery, snatch thefts, raping, murder, war..
the world is seeing its doom
whats more pathetic and scary
is that
no one helps, no one offers help,
no one tries to help
passerby just look, no offer of help
just looking
how pathetic have we become
how low have we sunken to
how much lower can we go
until we no longer emote
no longer are humans

16 April 2012

20th October 1952, he took his first breath

16th April 2012, he took his last breath

Three days ago, I lost the best man of my life, my father.

His last breath was shared among people whom he loved dearly and those who loved him just as equally much. He spent the last few minutes, in prayers, and chants, and love.

He spent his last 5 days in the hospital, embroiled in pain, without being able to speak, eat or drink.

He spent the last 3 years of his life battling cancer, with frequent visits to hospitals and shrines and temples.

He spent 28 years of his life, working hard, raising the three of us, making sure we had food, drink, a roof, transportation, clothes, and every other luxury he could afford. All for us and nothing less. But most of all, he gave us the love that could never surpass anyone else in the world (besides my mother), and that has shaped us into what we are today.

He spent 39 years of his life, in love with my mother. 10 years before marriage and 29 after. He spent these years loving her in his very own ways.

And on the 16th of April 2012, this man left us, to a better place where sufferings cease, and hopefully he is happier no matter where he is.

My dear Appa, thank you for all that you have done, everything you have given, every minute that you spent with us, for all the love you showered us. Thank you.

We will miss you.

Death

Once again, I am not feeling too well. Physically I am fine, it's my heart that isn't feeling too well.

Too many things going on. What is my focus now? Where I am standing now?

Can I talk about death? (I know, an abrupt change of topic). Or maybe I've been thinking about death all these time?

Hmmm... I've always said I am not afraid of death, until recently I realized that actually I am terrified of death. I am not scared about dying, it's more like I am scared of people around me dying.

I, for one, cannot handle death of anybody, be it stranger, a friend or a family. I never go to funerals, I avoid them like plague (the last funeral I've been was my grandfather in 1995). I was still a child then, but very much more braver than I am now. I can't bear to see my loved ones on a deathbed, even the thought of them dying, just makes me feel like crying.

But, everyone has to go one right? But I want to the first to go, I don't want to see my dad/mum/uncle/sisters/relatives/friends go before me, especially those close to me. I feel like I would naturally follow them to wherever they are, I feel like I might go into depression and never come out again, or I might go insane.

I am not one who shows much affection, or emotion, the only thing I do, is try to be happy, how do I deal with death? But in my heart, I cry, I laugh, I love, I care, and when I am going to lose someone I love very much, I don't think I'll be able to take it anymore, I might just succumb to whatever that is in store for me, I'm not as strong/ cold-hearted as a lot people see me, I am just another weak one, weak when it comes to losing the ones I love.

So, Dear God, please listen to my prayers, I am praying real hard. Please let my parents, my sisters, my uncles and aunties, my friends live a long happy life. Keep them strong and healthy. Keep them always happy. Please God, please do this for me. Please let them all live longer than I will.