Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas!!!

Haven't written for a long time, have I?

I have been melancholy, wondering about my purpose in life..

I work I eat I sleep I work I eat I sleep

I don't have family here, I don't have friends here. But I guess its part and parcel of life.

Usually I am not affected, but since its Christmas, a time where everyone gathers family, friends, lovers, children, cousins, colleagues. So I guess I am human after all. Been thinking that I must have been turned into a robot or something, with the way I live my life.

Anyway, have a merry Christmas and a blessed New Year

sleepless

Sometimes I lie here, unable to sleep because thoughts just keep going back and forth in my head. i dont want to think too much. but i cant stop myself. i am weird generally, on the outer layer, i am strong, cold, harsh, inpenetrable, stubborn. but inside i worry a lot.

you know, if you have been reading my blog since long ago, you would know that my family is very important to me. So when something happens i get worried, i cannot sleep. most of the time, i am the one telling my mom to not worry, everything will work out because thats what i want to believe in. but at night when you are alone, everything resurfaces. it makes me worried.

to the person involved, if you are reading this: how can i help you, if you dont help yourself... on one hand i want to help you but on the other hand i dont want to help you. i understand (no i dont understand and i cannot even remotedly imagine how you felt) you are broken, by someone whom you were bound to, someone whom you love. you could have handled this better, trusted someone to tell them about this, and solved it another way instead you took the road where you hurt yourself, you damaged yourself, and slowly that toxic spread to your family. you should have been firmer in your strength and resolution, you should have left with dignity, and not as you are now. not in way you are now. what you are doing now is highly despicable, not for yourself only, but everyone else involved (and there are many involved). i wished you were less selfish, open your eyes and see that you are not the only one suffering. i want to help you, but i think the only way for me to help you is to let you be. you need to learn to be independent, to learn the harsh reality of life (which you have been pretty cocooned), to rebuild yourself, to find your way and strength and self confidence again. I am sorry, i really am, i cannot do more, but i still cannot forgive what you are doing now (but that doesnt matter, does it). so when you think you have found your way and you have become yourself again, come find me!

Belong

Almost all of us want to belong somewhere, be it with a single person or with a crowd.
But, somehow this is not where i belong. This workplace is not somewhere i can belong, not even be a part of it. Its frustrating when you can't fit in, even though you have tried. When this is the "coldest"place i have ever been to, no one talks to the foreign one unless a question is asked. But they talk amongst themselves in a language i am yet to grasp. When my boss is speaking to everyone in a language neither me nor the other foreign one understands, it pisses me off more. Makes me put on my earphones, blast my music, because it hurts to not feel belonged.
Well, i shall just bear with it, its only another one and half year...

I would have loved to have a perfect family, but then again nothing is perfect.
I would like to say my family is broken, but that's not true when you compare to people who come really broken ones
Maybe I would say there is no harmony in my family. Every time we gather, so somewhat gather, there will be a fight, involving some tears, some shouting, some yelling... and I hate when things become that erratic.
But the worse part of all, is i can't do anything to make it better.
And to see your mom sad, to see her cry, to know in her heart she probably feels like she is just troubling of us all, and at the same time an outsider in her own family, it breaks my heart.
I want to make her happy, something I couldn't do for my dad. But happiness doesn't come from me having money and bringing her around the world. Happiness for her is to see her daughters' happiness, her granddaughter's happiness. And I can't make her happy in that sense, because there are my sisters, and they would have to feel the same. I am not perfect, i have hurt my mom again and again, many times, not only in the past but also recently. But i try to not, because she is all i have left. because if she is not there anymore, I won't have anyone, not my sisters who have their own life, not my relatives, not even my friends. But I just can't seem to make her happy, just like I failed to make my father happy;
Why is having an harmonious family like an impossible mission? Why....

Unhappy

I am beginning to think that I suck at a being a person.
I am frustrated living here, I have no problem with my work and work is pretty fine.
But I don't have any friends. My colleagues are super unfriendly, they only speak french and mingle among themselves. If they tell a joke, and all of them are laughing, they don't bother to tell us. If there is something going on, bad or good, everything is hush hush. That includes my boss as well. Everyday, I go to work, do my work and sit at my desk. I buy lunch and have it at my desk. The only friendly person I have encountered is the lady at the cafeteria who sells me my food. This is beginning to get to me. I feel unhappy to be in this state. Then I go to french class. Everyone is friendly and all, at least in class. But most of them have cliques and other friends. I never get invited out for drinks or anything basically. Today, the girl I thought who could be my friend, said she hated me and called me a bitch. I don't even know whether she was joking and she meant it. Seriously. there must be something wrong with me. I know I am an introvert and most of the time I don't mind being alone. But this is too much and before this place I have had people to be friends with (who still are my friends), people who loved me (still loves me). This place is sucking my happiness away from me. I used to smile a lot, even when I am sad. Now, sometimes I can't even bring myself to smile anymore. I tell myself, I am strong, I am okay, I am doing just fine, to lift my head up and walk proudly because I am perfect in the way I am, Then I cry while walking home (alone).

happily ever after (not)

"Happily ever after" in storybooks don't exist
You just overcame the first hurdle in life,
and it is only gonna get rough and tough
because you no longer are a single person
you have to share, live together with someone
in a closed up space, for a long time,
you can't be happily ever after
you will have disagreements, misunderstandings
you will be bored, you will go grow tired,
you will be feel unloved, you will have children
you will then less time, then no time,
you will fight, you will bicker, you will get on each other's nerve

but you should also be able to find a way through it all
if you want to, if you both still love and respect each other, find a way through it all
and if there is a need to separate, please do
please do not stay in abusive relationships, be it mentally, physically or even emotionally

so, don't end the story with a happily ever after. because shit happens.

#happyeverafterdontexist

Working in science? The complication piece

The complications in science. 

When I was a bachelor's student, it was much easier. I just had to read and pass my exams. Then I got to my final year, I had a dissertation to do which involved research and stuff. At that point of my life, the only complications that I faced include shortage of reagents. materials, unfriendly.unhelpful seniors aka postgraduate students, making the experiments work, trying to figure out what I am meant to write, boss being a little bias. But that was it.

Then I moved on to work in research, started out a research assistant, with the thought that I had found the field I love. Its true, I did find something I love, still love and am still doing. But I had to grow up. 

Here, when I was working in this particular lab, when you are a research assistant or a postgraduate, you are just "hands and legs". I am really re-quoting the second in command (current boss), that's what he said to our face. You guys just do the work, no need to think. That may sound like an easy job. But we are in the field not to just to the work. The way he said it, it sounded like we did not have the capability to think, and we were stupid. Condescending, that's what I would describe those words. People working in that lab, even for many years rarely published, because it was all hoarded by the superiors. Mostly, we didn't think much of it, because those days, I was still naive, still believed in the good of people. We were also "brainwashed" to think that we aren't capable certain levels, and were made full use of. But its okay, because I had fun, I liked the job, I had good colleagues.

Then, I moved back home, to another lab. I had to start below. That is to be expected, because hierarchic is very important in my country. You pay respect to your seniors, and everyone else you were there earlier then you. In this lab, I had lots of good things happen. I got my PhD, I got to overseas for training, for conferences, for meetings, for holidays. I also found my best friends. But, all this came with a price and more complications. We were expected to work 24/7. You get phone calls at night or on weekends for work matter etc. We were "not allowed" to discuss with our boss. We had a dictator, lab meetings were subordinates reporting to the boss, not a discussion between colleagues and supervisor on how to improve/troubleshoot. We seldom got praises, it was often yellings, shoutings and fear. That's how most of the students and postdocs were, they were living in fear. Now, fear brings further complications. The boss wants results, and she doesn't seem to care how the results were obtained. Therefore, I have seen some manipulations, outright lies, plagiarism. Yet, I can't voice it out, because that's how the shit worked in that lab. Arguing, and pointing out people who shit like that only got me in the black books of my boss. The politics, internal, external, were chaos, were frightening. Like when you speak to someone from another lab, people become suspicious, are you selling out information etc.. hahaha.. it was crap. Then came the matter of publications, if you have seen some of my rantings in this blog, you would know that is whole matter on itself. No doubt, we are given credit for what we do, but the author list and order may sometimes become unbearable. 

Basically, science itself is complicated - to find answer for questions leads only to more questions. But to work in science is altogether another complication - the politics, the hierarchic, the publications, the public relations. And to top all of that, is the meager salary we are paid to work 24/7, because no matter what you say, and how you can plan your work, if you are a scientist, you would have had the "pleasure" of staying back or coming in super early to make sure that time course experiment is going as planned. Not to mention, if you have to fight for the use of the hoods and thermal cyclers. 

if you read this, and if you are a scientist, you agree? 

English Classic Hits- Triggered Memories

Sometimes I wonder who am I writing all this for? I don't get a response and most of them the post is probably "read" by bots. Then, I realize I don't need an audience, I am mostly writing because I want to, because writing allows me to vent some for my feelings out, as pent up as they can be. Hence, this blog has become a diary to me, a personal outlet where I can be creative, lame, boring, exciting, angry, happy, knowledgeable, irritating, so on and so forth. So, when you are reading most posts here (except those tagged under poetic), I am just being myself, typing out whatever I am feeling at that moment. Sometimes, there is a more true me in my writings rather than the one I present in real life.

Anyway, today I was listening to old English songs (which include Tie a Yellow Ribbon around the Old Oak Tree, In the Ghetto, Daddy Cool, Country Road, Don't Cry Joni) and I was reminded of a journey made in 2002.

December 2002, Mum, my sisters and I boarded the MAS airplane heading to Kaoshiung, Taiwan. We were going there to for holiday with Appa who was working there at that time. The plane we took made a stop transit at Kota Kinabalu, and we were allowed to disembark from the plane for a short while to visit the airport. Now, I remember my second sister who at that time was 14 years old was very besotted with the air steward, so she actually gave the crew of the flight a box of chocolate (of course, she gave it to the person she liked, but claiming it was for all) that was bought in the KK airport where we stopped for transit. I also remember her being angry at the steward/ maybe it was me during final disembarkation because the steward smiled at me. I can't really remember what was my reaction to that, but I'd like to think that I probably goaded at her, like a true sister. We got on visa on arrivals, thank god without any trouble and mostly because we sisters all spoke Mandarin. At the terminal, appa was waiting and we boarded his jeep. Thinking it was rather late we would be heading back to wherever we were staying. But no, we were first brought to be introduced to all my father's colleagues, and bosses. This took place in a tiny shop that sold fresh seafood (out of the tanks). There was like about 10-15 of us, seated on small stools. And speaking the mother tongue of my father's colleague, we practically charmed the pants off most of them. Finally, we were brought to a motel where we were to spend our stay at (this I believe was paid by my dad's boss). Seriously, at that time, exposed to the motels back home where things were crap, I was expecting the worst. When we arrived, I was surprised, for one they had strict security at the entrance of the motel itself. Second, we had our own garage at our unit for parking, from where you take the stairs up to the room. So, my dad and mum, got a smaller room and we 3 sisters got a suit or something like that. Now, this part is probably one of the most amazing part of my stay in Taiwan. The room had a small living room with a futon and a bedroom with a king sized bed where all 3 of us could fit in. But the bathroom was my highlight, it was huge, and beautiful. Most importantly it came equipped with a jet bathtub, a jacuzzi and a steam sauna. Of course also a full body shower, which shoots at every part of your body. Honestly I was wowed and right then and there I vowed that next time I bought a place for my place its gonna be exactly like that. 

The next morning, we were served breakfast in our room, which happened unexpectedly and was rather amusing when we think back about it. I think we were all deep in sleep.(I was sleeping closes to the door, squashed in between me and my second sis, was my third sis) Then, suddenly, we felt someone jumping on us, and the a loud crash, and it was my second sister who panicked with the incessant ringing at 7am and jumped over us and crash landed on the floor. Up to now, I still crack up when I remember this scene we woke up to. Haha.. Anyway, the rest of the stay involved visiting places, meeting my dad'd friends, sitting at a roadside shop and watching people chew away the betel leaves, visiting more places, meeting more friends, making new friends. There are just too many memories for me to be detailing out one by one (otherwise this post would be pages long). Some of my father's friends became our friend who we kept in touch intermittently via facebook. My father's boss' daughters are our friend on Facebook too. 

Well, I missed the point right? The reason the English old songs reminded me of this memory, was because whenever we were in father's jeep during out stay in Taiwan, we were belting out the songs by heart and without music. All of us, my sisters, my dad, my mum and I together in sync, some louder than others, but nevertheless together, singing these songs in an order that we remember from listening to the CDs back home. I think that was a precious memory, our togetherness at that moment. 

I miss them - My sisters (all grown up, all with their own life), my Appa (who has passed away almost 4 years ago), my Amma (who is 10180km away from me).

#thoughts  

#memories

#missinghome 

New Year

Happy New Year!!!

A new year, what changes? Just the date needs to be written differently, and I have to remember to write as 1/1/16 instead of 1/1/15. This has been a continuous problem for me, it happens early in the year, but mostly at odd times anytime in the year. Maybe its the trigger of doing some things, that makes you write that particular year. Well, i wouldn't know....

Time flies, 3 months in, I am settling down. Adapting, learning the language etc..

Happy New Year!!!