The damaged good

I am thinking.
Yeah, I am always thinking.
Sometimes I think too much
most of the time I try to stop thinking

You know, on the surface I may look like a confident woman. But half of the time, I am just a self-deprecating person, who totally don't feel confident at all. From young, I have always heard fat people are slow, and lazy and slow-minded. I guess the words weren't targeted at me, mostly I think derived by the too-observant little self, who takes in more than the adult can think of (which is why I advocate not gossiping/badmouthing in front of young ones). I have heard more than I should have probably. I knew I was fat from a young age. Then I went to school, and things only became worse, not only I was fat, now I was black (in a sea of yellow skinned people). These people made me feel the worst. But my young self was a relentless little girl, I must have thought then, if I can't be pretty, or look nice, then I will use my brains to fight these people off. I will show them that if I can't beat them in the "looks" area, then I will use my smartness. I had six years of miserable life (those were the worst years I guess), I fought a tough and long battle, only to be pushed down again and again (even literally), but that strong little fighter in me didn't give up. I never felt appreciated for my talents, always sidelined, so that someone with "better looks" can take the lead. Although secondary school was way better than primary school, I still faced some uncanny individuals bent on making my miserable or just had a word to say about my looks. Not always, I had many friends, true ones though rare. At home, relatives, the first thing they ask when they see me is why aren't you losing weight? or haven't you put on weight? Oh god, I am doing so well in other areas/aspect of life, and you can only pick this to comment on? So superficial. Someone is always telling me, lose your weight and all the guys will come after you like stray dogs. And one day I got tired of hearing her say this, so I told her I'd rather not have any strays following me. I want a man who can appreciate me as I am. And she was stunned. One classmate asked me, are you sure you and your sister are from the same parents? One colleague, when I said my crush spoke to me, she said you sure he was speaking to you. when someone told her a guy was flirting with me, said are you sure he was flirting? One friend told me all the people here are fat because they are eating so much and i told him, well I am fat too, which he then said oh you are not fat. When I sat down to watch a crush play basketball game, a security guard walked past and told me to my face, people like you, do you think anyone will reciprocate your feelings? And things like this go on and on. And it will never end.

I always tell myself after very conversation "sticks and stone may break my bone but words will never hurt me". I tell myself don't pay heed to people who hurt you, don't mind their words, don't take to heart. But you know, words have their ways on people, the way they seep into your soul and hurt you. They imprint themselves, gnawing at your conscious, brainwashing your mind, tearing your soul. And the damage is done. So, today I still don't dare to believe even if someone did like me, I would brush them off, and or pretend like we're just good friends. I don't understand when someone flirts with me, because I am made to believe that I am not worthy of their attention. I get tongue-tied, I get awkward because in my head you shouldn't be flirting with me, you shouldn't be paying attention to me. 

You see, how damaging words can be. Yeah I am confident in every other thing I do, yet when it comes to myself, I fail. That's how damaged I am.

So people, next time do think a little before you speak, and its not only me who is suffering, people who are fat who are suffering, but generally everybody at one point of their life who have had been made to believe that they weren't important enough, not good enough, not right enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough.

I am damaged. I don't want the future children to face the same that I have or perhaps have done to some others unconsciously. Always encourage each other, lift each other up, try to make everyone smile and maybe one day the world will be a better place

9th March 2013

There's was this man who loved me. He used to sing me to sleep, buy me my favorite food, get me things that I didn't need, he looked after me like I was his daughter. There were some things I didn't like about him and I told him off to his face, sometimes rudely. And I never apologized. Somehow, he'll always made it like nothing ever happened, always back to his usual self. I know I must hurt him a lot because he probably loved me the most. I couldn't even look after him, never could pay back all the things he had done for me. I never told him I loved him, just like I never tell anyone else I love. I thought he would know, but how would someone know if you don't tell them, right? Then, when I am far away, he left. I love him, and the last thing I said to him just before he left was " My bonnie lies over the ocean, please bring back my bonnie to me". That's what he used to sing me to sleep. Bye-bye Periappa. I love you and I am sorry I couldn't be there for you.

A sleepless night

woke up missing your warmth
in the dark, tried to get my eyes adjusted
wondering where did you slip off to
in the middle of night

I saw you sitting in front of the window
lost in thoughts, with a deep frown
untangling myself from the cocoon 
I sneaked towards you

You startled and tensed a moment
when I wrapped my arms around your waist
and then you leaned against my chest
murmuring apologies for having woken me up

I kissed your hair, I nibbled you earlobe
you squirmed and giggled
and tried too wriggle out of my grasp
but i just held on tighter

then you sighed, and exhaled a deep breathe
you became silent again
so unlike you, unlike you to be this restless
and i knew you would speak when you felt like it

so there we sat quietly
as you pulled me to the front
with your chin of my shoulders
and  your hands rubbing my tummy incessantly 

I must have fallen asleep in your embrace
because the next time I opened my eyes
sunlight was streaming in
and i was snuggled into your chest on our tiny little bed.