kitchen

You did not realize my presence
Constantly humming to yourself
With earphones, you sway along with the music
in the kitchen, chopping "dinner"

I stand there and watch you
marveling at how at ease you are
admiring your view and kitchen skills
thinking how lucky I am

10 minutes, I'm still watching you
and you still haven't noticed me yet
seems like sad song you're listening to 
as your movements become slower, gentler

Smirking, I crept up to you
Knowing this would scare you off
Waiting for a reaction (out of the ordinary)
that will probably crack me up

True to my thoughts
You screamed, when I touched your hips
dropping the spatula onto the floor
thank God, it wasn't a knife or my favorite bowl

I doubled over in laughter
When you finally turned around
in fact, I was a heap on the floor
laughing too hard, till tears flowed out

As the good sport, you always are
straddling me (on the floor)
soon you were joining in the laughter
to only be interrupted by the lingering burning smell
 

I am a puppet

once again I've been burnt
I spent tonight crying
because of words from a friend
as sharp as razor
shredding my heart into pieces
turning me even more insomniac
and i can't even defend myself
so, dear blog hear the words
I want to say, but cannot because it is a friend after all

Dear friend,
You know this problem started way back in August 2011.
It was meant to be a work of editing only, but it was that poorly written
I couldn't let it be, couldn't send it off as such
I did this with no intention of whatsoever, 
I didn't want a name
I didn't want fame
this because it wasn't my work
it wasn't my hard effort
but i changed everything
and i didn't even insert my name there
you should know better,
than accuse me of stealing your work

When my name appeared 
I didn't even realize it was first, until you mentioned to me
I didn't agree, and I was upset,
and I talked to you about this,
you should know, because we skyped

I fought, I went up and said
I'd rather not have my name at all
but you don't know, i got threatened
to be removed and you still won't be first
with someone else's name there for almost the nil work they did

Then came the whole fiasco with you wanting to be first
I had no objection, i would have relinquished the name in fact
because it is not my hardwork
and you should know what happened
it was (is still) in the emails splayed out for everyone to read
and did you forget, or were you just ignorant
to the fact that you decided to withdraw from it altogether
I still have the email as proof
if you would need a reminder of sort

it was a decision you made
I advised you against
but you said you'd rather let it all go
today, you are begrudging and accusing me for stealing your work

This was by far the hardest work I've ever done
It was kicked from one to another, then again to another
Then major revisions had to be done
which practically meant re-doing the whole bloody thing
from scratch, and I mean really from scratch
yes, it is your hardwork and effort
but it took me one and a half year to get it done
to be worthy, to be accepted
it took me a lot of effort too (by the way)
but it took even more from me
because it felt like a betrayal,
as your name was not there anymore
how many times i fretted over this issue
you will never know,
i only have god, mum and 2 other friends as witness
how much sleep, how much emotions
how I didn't know how to face you
yet i thought you would understand
as you were the one who relinquished your rights to this work
and i was a mere puppet in the games of the higher ranked people

but it hurts, to receive an email
with those kind of words
words that hurt me to the core
as if I haven't been felling guilty enough
as if I have intended all this from the very start
you say things too simply
quit and leave, you say
will you be feeding the people i have to fend?
many other options, you say?
why didn't you enlighten me earlier
when we talked about it?

I am hurt today..
really hurt..
You are my friend, but with this perhaps
we were not meant to be friends
I am sorry
I truly am
but I am also hurt, and I also have feelings
so, take my friend
 

fight

Walked into the pitch dark room
there you were, on the bed
on your side of the bed, stiff
unlike always, sprawled all over

Rarely this happened
Its always me who's raging
It's always I who would be fuming
but today, i could feel the anger simmering in the room

I didn't know what to do
nor how to approach you
i knew you are not asleep
I apologized earlier, but I've disappointed you, again

I could pretend and just go to bed
make it like nothing ever happened
but i know we won't be sleeping
and i hate unresolved issue

mostly, i hate turning you into this mess
the most patient being, being angry
i hate that i broke this promise 
and not for the first time, it'd even seem a deliberate plan 

Never knowing how to appease you
I just crept up the bed
slowly moving until i was spooning you
your stiff body becoming rigid, before you start breathing heavily

I wanted to apologize (again)\
but the words got stuck in my throat
I felt like I was gonna puke, or cry, or yell
before anything was done, you beat me to it

removing my arms harshly
sitting up, switching on the lamp
pacing around, with that frowning face of yours
If i'd look closely, there'll probably be steam puffing out your ears

Then all of a sudden, you turn to look at me
with your eyes blazing
i felt my heart tearing, shredding
will this be the end?

I couldn't look up anymore\
the questions you were firing at me, didn't registered
all i wanted to know
did i overstep the boundaries, and did you finally crack

once again, you were on the bed
cupping my face, with a little more strength than usual
making me look into your eyes
"do you love me at all?"

numbed by fear of losing you,
i didn't answer, i just looked at you
saw the fire in your eyes, dimming, changing
and now its the sea, the ocean of tears

You moved away
You went to the cupboards
you grabbed your suitcase
and you started packing, you started packing

you were leaving me,
you were leaving me, just i like i thought you would
you said you'd never leave
you told me no matter what, you'll never leave

I love you
I love you 
I really really love you
i chanted in my brain, if i don't, why does it hurt..

you stopped whatever you were doing
did i say that out loud
you just stood there, staring
was i still saying it out loud

it hurts, and i don't want you to leave
not because of something i did
i don't want you to leave
i love you, and i really don't want you to leave

then why? you asked me
why did you back off last minute?
why does it feel like you are not ready for this?
for us?

i did not do it on purpose
i do not go back on my words,
like i told you earlier, there a last minute urgent deal
i couldn't leave, i did not plan for it

i'm sorry, i'm so sorry..
i...........................................
will you come back to bed
willl you..............please i'm sorry

Surprising me

Pulling me along

hands tightly in yours

where are we going

what's the hurry

Bundling me up

in that humongous coat of yours

i am in my houseclothes

and its middle of night

Shoving me into

the still running car of yours

you did not answer my question

where are we going

Eyeing me up and down

rewarding me with a smirk so typically yours

fine, fine, if you aren't gonna answer

at least turn the heater up

Stealing glances

Brushing fingers

Sheepish grins

but still no word spoken

stirring me up

so gently with your lips on mine

i must have fallen asleep

where are we

Opening the door and tugging me with you

with your arms securely fasten around my waist

Oh, oh, oh, why... how... 

but.. I.. you... it's so beautiful

Silencing me

first gently, then more passionately

we didn't need any more words

just the stars, the moon, and you

My workaholic brain

I can't stop thinking. Seems like my brain is on an overdrive. I'm seriously mentally exhausted, but this brain of mine doesn't seem to have turn off switch. The moment work comes in, it keeps moving, turning, spinning, without any rest, even i go to bed, it doesn't stop. It'd be thinking of why this didn't work, how can that improved, which analysis should be used. I'd force it to stop thinking, meditating perhaps, but mostly the max it'll go off is like 5 minutes, then back to square one. I'd thinking about other things ~yeah, other things~, but eventually it'd be back to work again. I don't want to have a workaholic brain, i'm tired. Can it let me rest for a bit, i swear if u let me rest a bit, tomorrow you'll be in full running mode, all polished and waxed, in your running gears, but now, i feel like I ran a marathon ~and I don't run, don't like running~. So dear brain of mine, would you let me sleep now ~and sleep in tomorrow morning~??

possessive arms

where have you been?
why are you coming back at this time?
who did you go out with?

I haven't even taken off my shoes
and I don't need this now
I don't need this ever

Rolling my eyes, I just head to my favorite place
the one place, my one sanctuary
Filling up the bathtub, I stare at my reflection

I can hear your footsteps
I can hear you, like a pacing tiger
I wonder the extent of your possesiveness

Sliding into the hot scalding water
Closing my eyes, I slid deeper, submerged
until I couldn't breathe anymore

the hot water relaxing my stiff shoulder
send me into drowsy, sleepy state
forgetting about everything, including time

When I opened my eyes next
I was in my bed, wrapped up in the fluffiest robe
with a warm blanket, and a warm (possessive) arm around me

i'm sorry, whispered into my hair
i just.... i don't know.. choked out
i'm just sorry, i know how much you hate me doing that

Pulling me closer into an embrace
I could hear the unsteady heartbeat
I linked my fingers with the possessive ones on my tummy

Thank you, another whisper
and then it was silence, and I drifted off to sleep
with the last words of the night being, i love you

Frustrated me

Frustrated (PMSing) me

Baby, look at me
open your eyes please..
Come one, open your eyes
Oi!!! Are you gonna look at me now??

Refusing outright
All I did was to burrow deeper
Deeper in to safety haven, under the pillows
Waiting till you get tired and leave

Being stubborn ain't gonna send me away
Can't we talk about it? Just talk..
Don't be unreasonable...
At least look at me

I don't want to listen 
Not in this state.. Not when I am angry
Not when I might snap.. Not when I may hurt you
again...

Listen, I'm sorry
Will you forgive me?
I'll do anything to make it up to you
Please, baby, don't be mad

I snap, throwing the covers away
Why the fuck are you apologizing for?
You didn't do anything wrong.
Why are you saying sorry

What? Why are you like this?
You don't talk to me, you don't let me say anything
You don't let me in, I don't understand wha..
No baby, don't cry, don't cry..

I was pulled into a hug
angry frustrated tears rolling down
Don't say sorry, don't, just don't..
I hate you... I hate myself even more

Hush hush baby... cry them all out
Cry what ever's bothering you out
I'm sorry i forced you to talk,
Don't say anything but let me be here with you

Sobbing uncontrollably
i'm sorry i'm sorry..sorry.. 
there i stayed in your arms
until there were no more tears

Dawn

Approaching dawn

in the haze of sleep
felt your fingers in my navel
they circle the sensitive bellybutton
i can't help but shiver
the tremors you no doubt felt
made you braver
a kiss to my nape
a lick at my earlobes
i smiled, and shut my eyes tigher
refusing to wake
hands now my hips
never ceasing their movement
i couldn't help but
feel so comfortable
and soon i am back to sleep

Sleep..

Your beautiful face 

deep in sleep as you are

your arms wraps me close

your breath tickles the nape of neck

your heat warms me up

i wiggle and jiggle slowly

trying to glimpse at you

fingers tracing the contour of your face

lingering on those lips

you whine a little

moving your face away

away from my inquisitive fingers

but never letting me go

i keep watching you sleep

pondering how did i end up here

in your arms and your mercy

until i fell asleep snuggled into your chest