Sometimes it feels like he has just taken for another overseas job
(and its easier to think of it like that)
then I remember he won't ever come back,
I wouldn't be seeing a physical manifestation of him anymore
it breaks my heart, it breaks all of our hearts
Sometimes I am just assaulted by memories
many many memories of him
the other i drove past the bus stop,
and i remembered the day we had a flat tyre and with his sickness
he still insisted on changing the tyre, and not letting me do it
(now, who is going to change the tyre for me?)
When i take the bus to work, and all along the federal highway
all I think of is the days, he or Amma drove him to work in Subang
and all this while he was sick while he was fighting his cancer
and just because with my salary, there was no way to support the family
and when i think of this, i feel regretful that till the end of his days
i could never have done enough for him
I could not give him the best that he deserves
I could not repay him all the things he had done for us (from the very beginning)
And when we run out gas, we still don't know how to change the knob
(although he taught me many times, i keep forgetting),
but with no one to pamper us that, I remember it clearly now
And no ones there to cut the tree, change the bulb,
no one watches the favorite channels of his, discovery, science, history, animal planet and whatnot
no one to wait me up in the living room when i come back late in the night
no one who i can bite his face and irritate him with my saliva all over his face
no one to sit in the kennel and play with the puppies
no one who be as strong as my father (even when he was sick)
No matter what i write here, it would never be sufficient to express how much I miss him
No matter what we go through daily life, I don't think any of us (Amma and us) will ever go a day without thinking and missing him
No matter how we pretend that we are fine, and all smiles, each of us carry one big hole in our hearts
because he took it when he left us forever
