Have been out distributing my sister's wedding card. Not a fun job,but it's exciting to see people we call relatives but hardly know each another, what are our relationship. With a smile plastered on my face, it seems like a easy job.
However, that's not my point for today. today, I am here to clarify one thing. It IS my SECOND sister getting married, and yes I am the ELDEST and I am not married.
It seems people are worried for me whenever they find out I am the eldest, and my younger sister is actually getting married before me. They tell me, don't worry, your time will come too, and more oftenly i hear people say, don't worry, you are very pretty and maybe you need to lose some weight, but still you are very pretty.
The truth is I don't need that comforting words (you call those comforting words, I call them an Insult). I am very fine with my sister getting married before me. In fact I am happy she has found her "the one" and has decided to get married.
@@@* sidetracking a little* She may be young, but if she thinks this is right, I am all for her decision. So people out there wondering (dying for a gossip, speculating) why she is getting married young, it's is none of your business why she gets married young. In this life, i think we should stop looking at age, age doesn't mean you are wise or not, it's maturity that counts. If you are ready for marriage then you are, if not then you're not. It's as simple as that!@@@
Back to my story, yeah, I am not worried bout my lil sis getting married before me. And so please don't be worried for me. I have my own reasons to why I'm not ready to marry. In fact, I have a lot reasons to not want marriage yet, but it's none of your business, right? Well, if u think you have a right to know why, we can have a discussion, like the many I've had before.
So, quit telling me I am pretty and not to worry, because I know I am pretty and I am not worried. It's just not my time *yet*. And thanks for your concern. :)
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
It's raining
It's raining.
These days I feel like I have nothing to say. In fact, it's been awhile since I have blogged or written or was imaginative. I have nothing to say anymore? nothing to think of? nothing that excites me? have I become another one of those mundane people, doing their mundane things in life, not realizing that life is passing by, that time is ticking away? I may very well seem to be that.
No, actually, I realized that many things are not to be spoken of, to be thought of, to be seen with, to be heard upon. When I started feeling down, troubled, awful, sad, hopeless, and all negative sometime last year, I started to tune things out, instead of seeking a solution, I ran away, I hid myself. And very deep and well I hid myself, holding back on tears, keeping quiet, fighting the urge to scream. I turned to watching sitcoms, Korean dramas, these things tuned me out from the real world, they bring me to a world of their own, and they keep me there. But, how long could they keep me there, one day or another I had to come out and face the world.
All these months, I have a smile on my face, no matter how hard it became, I smiled, to hide everything, to not make people worry, to not hurt people. It's is very hard to smile when all you feel is to sit down and cry your eyes out, and most days that was what I felt like doing. Sometimes, I cried on my way walking back, sometimes when I was in my room, rarely did I cry on my friends' shoulders because crying alone is all I can do.
Maybe all these crying, hiding and finding fantasy worlds have numbed me, have altered some part of me, that I no longer am able to write something interesting.
Whatever it is, it may very well seem like I am talking to myself again :)
These days I feel like I have nothing to say. In fact, it's been awhile since I have blogged or written or was imaginative. I have nothing to say anymore? nothing to think of? nothing that excites me? have I become another one of those mundane people, doing their mundane things in life, not realizing that life is passing by, that time is ticking away? I may very well seem to be that.
No, actually, I realized that many things are not to be spoken of, to be thought of, to be seen with, to be heard upon. When I started feeling down, troubled, awful, sad, hopeless, and all negative sometime last year, I started to tune things out, instead of seeking a solution, I ran away, I hid myself. And very deep and well I hid myself, holding back on tears, keeping quiet, fighting the urge to scream. I turned to watching sitcoms, Korean dramas, these things tuned me out from the real world, they bring me to a world of their own, and they keep me there. But, how long could they keep me there, one day or another I had to come out and face the world.
All these months, I have a smile on my face, no matter how hard it became, I smiled, to hide everything, to not make people worry, to not hurt people. It's is very hard to smile when all you feel is to sit down and cry your eyes out, and most days that was what I felt like doing. Sometimes, I cried on my way walking back, sometimes when I was in my room, rarely did I cry on my friends' shoulders because crying alone is all I can do.
Maybe all these crying, hiding and finding fantasy worlds have numbed me, have altered some part of me, that I no longer am able to write something interesting.
Whatever it is, it may very well seem like I am talking to myself again :)
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Some random thoughts of mine:
{The few posts before this were taken from my friendster blog.}
[It's 1am and I'm not asleep, considering the fact that i slept at 11plus last night and woke up at 5 this morning. I am so tired, but my brain is so restless. Why? I don't know why, or maybe I do know but I just don't want to acknowledge them.]
~Does anyone actually read my blog? why would you be reading my blog? who am i communicating with?~
#I miss kuching very much. i miss my friends very much, friends whom I have only known for 5 years yet stood by me through sunshine and rain. I miss my ex-colleagues who I thinks loves me dearly, I miss going out ang having fun, i miss dancing, I miss aerobics in the gym, i miss talking the most#
^I hate the busy life here in KL. It is really stressful. Come on people, chill out a bit^
*Is it the coffee?? is that why i am still awake?*
@go to sleep, go to sleep@
{The few posts before this were taken from my friendster blog.}
[It's 1am and I'm not asleep, considering the fact that i slept at 11plus last night and woke up at 5 this morning. I am so tired, but my brain is so restless. Why? I don't know why, or maybe I do know but I just don't want to acknowledge them.]
~Does anyone actually read my blog? why would you be reading my blog? who am i communicating with?~
#I miss kuching very much. i miss my friends very much, friends whom I have only known for 5 years yet stood by me through sunshine and rain. I miss my ex-colleagues who I thinks loves me dearly, I miss going out ang having fun, i miss dancing, I miss aerobics in the gym, i miss talking the most#
^I hate the busy life here in KL. It is really stressful. Come on people, chill out a bit^
*Is it the coffee?? is that why i am still awake?*
@go to sleep, go to sleep@
Hope
A glimmer of hope, hope that everything will be fine between us… that’s it, that’s all I had left: hope. But you had to go and dash it, break it and shatter it.
Hope…
The very word that brings out some other emotions in me…The very word I love and hate… More that I love and hate my self… What is this hope? What?
According to wikipedia: Hope, is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. To hope is to wish for something with the expectation of the wish being fulfilled
Everyone hopes for one thing or another; hopes to be someone one day, hopes for wealth, success and happiness. But, these are just general hopes, I’d bet everyone has similar hopes. How about specific hopes/wishes and how about giving others hope?
I think it is because of hope, a lot of people are depressed, angry, sad, hopeless, devastated, frustrated… Why? It’s because they have placed too much hope on something they have been wanting, expecting the person to fully understand and comprehend what you are hoping for.
It could be,
“I hope you wouldn’t lie to me anymore”
“I hope that you can stop and listen to me for awhile”
“I hope tomorrow I would very rich”
Or perhaps, it could be
-parents having high hopes on their children, to achieve things and stuff
-couples hoping for positive changes in each other”
Or, it may be simple things like,
#hoping for people to understand each other
#hoping that someone realizes that they are hurting someone else
#hoping that people realize that you wear masks and you are not happy as you look
Hope, a lot of people have hopes and desires but they never speak of their desire and hopes, well, I guess that’s why it is called hope. But sometimes, certain things, by just having hope, things aren’t going to go like you want them to, or worse your hope might be dashed.
Found this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/09/magazine/09_23_hope.html by Marina Krakovsky in the New York Times
“Hope Can Be Worse Than Hopelessness”
Of coz hope has its positive side, the side which I love, hoping by practicing/having an action which leads towards the hope you have…
I hope I was thin, well, I can’t just sit there hoping for it, can I? I’ll have to do something about it, right?
I hope there will be a change in the government and its policies, but I can’t just whine and cry about it, can I? I’ll to play a part, like go and vote, right?
I hope there will world peace, but that ain’t so easy, but I could start at home, respecting each another’s’ culture and differences, each another’s religion would be the first step.
I hope for you to understand me, perhaps, people would if I talked about myself more? Or perhaps if people opened their ears and listened with their heart? Or perhaps, it’s just better I don’t have like this kind of a hope, because, knowing the nature of human, ok, and myself, it’s best I don’t have this kind of hope at all….
Hope…
The very word that brings out some other emotions in me…The very word I love and hate… More that I love and hate my self… What is this hope? What?
According to wikipedia: Hope, is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. To hope is to wish for something with the expectation of the wish being fulfilled
Everyone hopes for one thing or another; hopes to be someone one day, hopes for wealth, success and happiness. But, these are just general hopes, I’d bet everyone has similar hopes. How about specific hopes/wishes and how about giving others hope?
I think it is because of hope, a lot of people are depressed, angry, sad, hopeless, devastated, frustrated… Why? It’s because they have placed too much hope on something they have been wanting, expecting the person to fully understand and comprehend what you are hoping for.
It could be,
“I hope you wouldn’t lie to me anymore”
“I hope that you can stop and listen to me for awhile”
“I hope tomorrow I would very rich”
Or perhaps, it could be
-parents having high hopes on their children, to achieve things and stuff
-couples hoping for positive changes in each other”
Or, it may be simple things like,
#hoping for people to understand each other
#hoping that someone realizes that they are hurting someone else
#hoping that people realize that you wear masks and you are not happy as you look
Hope, a lot of people have hopes and desires but they never speak of their desire and hopes, well, I guess that’s why it is called hope. But sometimes, certain things, by just having hope, things aren’t going to go like you want them to, or worse your hope might be dashed.
Found this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/09/magazine/09_23_hope.html by Marina Krakovsky in the New York Times
“Hope Can Be Worse Than Hopelessness”
Of coz hope has its positive side, the side which I love, hoping by practicing/having an action which leads towards the hope you have…
I hope I was thin, well, I can’t just sit there hoping for it, can I? I’ll have to do something about it, right?
I hope there will be a change in the government and its policies, but I can’t just whine and cry about it, can I? I’ll to play a part, like go and vote, right?
I hope there will world peace, but that ain’t so easy, but I could start at home, respecting each another’s’ culture and differences, each another’s religion would be the first step.
I hope for you to understand me, perhaps, people would if I talked about myself more? Or perhaps if people opened their ears and listened with their heart? Or perhaps, it’s just better I don’t have like this kind of a hope, because, knowing the nature of human, ok, and myself, it’s best I don’t have this kind of hope at all….
Loneliness
Loneliness…
Loneliness…
Loneliness…
How many of us here are afraid of loneliness? I think most people are afraid of being lonely. Perhaps that’s why we surround ourselves with people, friends, family and enemies. And when one has no choice, and is always lonely without family and friends, why does he do? He’ll probably find lots of work to do, chores to finish and any excuses so that he wouldn’t feel lonely. But then when everything is done, he doesn’t have any work left, and he doesn’t have anyone around, what does he do? He could meditate (meditation is another topic I love but don’t practise) and whisk himself to a totally different world altogether, well, that’s if he knows the proper technique of meditation. But if a lonely person doesn’t find a way to rid himself of loneliness, this loneliness will slowly eat into his soul, leaving a permanent mark on his soul, making him all reclusive. He will slowly succumb into this feeling of loneliness, feeling that he will always be alone and letting the loneliness win, creating an empty soul. How many people in this world are so lonely and empty? Hmmm.. I wonder…
I am lonely too. So far away from home, from my parents, from my sisters, from people who love me. Here, I have friends, but somehow, there is nagging sense of loneliness. Then, I wonder, perhaps loneliness is NOT JUST about having people around you. It is just not about having people around you, but more to having people you trust and are completely comfortable with, even if it means just having a single person in your life, would completely change the scenario of being lonely. Just one person whom you can talk your heart out to, just one person who is willing to open his/her heart and listen to what you have to say. I wish there were many more people out there to listen to people, listen to what they have to say… So far, I have never actually met a person who actually listens, and when I say listen, I mean not just with the ears but with the heart, without interrupting the conversation with some other things or telling their own problems when another is pouring their heart out. That’s probably the ONE main reason I don’t tell people my problems, it’s sometimes their attitude that puts me off and make me decide that I will never share any of my problems with that person. I, may be for some people, a tad sensitive and demanding and perhaps with a high expectation of people but that’s the way I am. And this could be the very reason I feel lonely, because I haven’t found someone who I can communicate heart to heart…
“Nobody knows who I really am,
I’ve never felt this empty before,
If I ever need someone to come along,
Who’s gonna comfort me and keep me strong”
(Quoted from the song Life is like a boat, Bleach)
What I can do? The only thing I try to do is to not let this loneliness eat my soul away by always remembering that even if I am faraway from my family and I don’t have that “someone” and lots of friends, I still and always will have people loving me, people who have and will be my guiding souls in times of need, people who are always happy for me and try to make me happy, people who know me and inspire me, people who are my role models, people who need me even if it is just for a short time, people who have taught me many things in life… remembering all these, chases the feeling of being lonely in this world.
Loneliness… I am not afraid of you……
Loneliness…
Loneliness…
How many of us here are afraid of loneliness? I think most people are afraid of being lonely. Perhaps that’s why we surround ourselves with people, friends, family and enemies. And when one has no choice, and is always lonely without family and friends, why does he do? He’ll probably find lots of work to do, chores to finish and any excuses so that he wouldn’t feel lonely. But then when everything is done, he doesn’t have any work left, and he doesn’t have anyone around, what does he do? He could meditate (meditation is another topic I love but don’t practise) and whisk himself to a totally different world altogether, well, that’s if he knows the proper technique of meditation. But if a lonely person doesn’t find a way to rid himself of loneliness, this loneliness will slowly eat into his soul, leaving a permanent mark on his soul, making him all reclusive. He will slowly succumb into this feeling of loneliness, feeling that he will always be alone and letting the loneliness win, creating an empty soul. How many people in this world are so lonely and empty? Hmmm.. I wonder…
I am lonely too. So far away from home, from my parents, from my sisters, from people who love me. Here, I have friends, but somehow, there is nagging sense of loneliness. Then, I wonder, perhaps loneliness is NOT JUST about having people around you. It is just not about having people around you, but more to having people you trust and are completely comfortable with, even if it means just having a single person in your life, would completely change the scenario of being lonely. Just one person whom you can talk your heart out to, just one person who is willing to open his/her heart and listen to what you have to say. I wish there were many more people out there to listen to people, listen to what they have to say… So far, I have never actually met a person who actually listens, and when I say listen, I mean not just with the ears but with the heart, without interrupting the conversation with some other things or telling their own problems when another is pouring their heart out. That’s probably the ONE main reason I don’t tell people my problems, it’s sometimes their attitude that puts me off and make me decide that I will never share any of my problems with that person. I, may be for some people, a tad sensitive and demanding and perhaps with a high expectation of people but that’s the way I am. And this could be the very reason I feel lonely, because I haven’t found someone who I can communicate heart to heart…
“Nobody knows who I really am,
I’ve never felt this empty before,
If I ever need someone to come along,
Who’s gonna comfort me and keep me strong”
(Quoted from the song Life is like a boat, Bleach)
What I can do? The only thing I try to do is to not let this loneliness eat my soul away by always remembering that even if I am faraway from my family and I don’t have that “someone” and lots of friends, I still and always will have people loving me, people who have and will be my guiding souls in times of need, people who are always happy for me and try to make me happy, people who know me and inspire me, people who are my role models, people who need me even if it is just for a short time, people who have taught me many things in life… remembering all these, chases the feeling of being lonely in this world.
Loneliness… I am not afraid of you……
such a fool…
How is it always, we end up hurting people we love?
How is we do not realize, what we say/do hurt another?
Are we ignorant to the fact that everyone has feelings?
Are we just plain stupid?
I said I love you, you said I love you too.
But is just saying these words enough for everyone?
Are we just satisfied by these words?
Don’t action count? A hug, a pat, a kiss, a comforting shoulder, a smile, and all the other tiny tiny actions, don’t they count too?
Why do we fight? Why do argue? Why do we quarrel? Why do we pull long faces at each another?
Is it true that there are no marriages without fights?
Can there be a happy marriage without fight?
Is it not possible?
Is it also true that fights/quarrels/arguments, build a stronger marriage/patnership?
Look at ourselves, where have we gotten to? What have we done? Why is there fights when we love each another?
Ego? Self-centeredness? Selfish?
How is we do not realize, what we say/do hurt another?
Are we ignorant to the fact that everyone has feelings?
Are we just plain stupid?
I said I love you, you said I love you too.
But is just saying these words enough for everyone?
Are we just satisfied by these words?
Don’t action count? A hug, a pat, a kiss, a comforting shoulder, a smile, and all the other tiny tiny actions, don’t they count too?
Why do we fight? Why do argue? Why do we quarrel? Why do we pull long faces at each another?
Is it true that there are no marriages without fights?
Can there be a happy marriage without fight?
Is it not possible?
Is it also true that fights/quarrels/arguments, build a stronger marriage/patnership?
Look at ourselves, where have we gotten to? What have we done? Why is there fights when we love each another?
Ego? Self-centeredness? Selfish?
Shattered
i am sitting here
alone and so full of tear
they understand d meaning of near
yet so far away to be heard
why don u open ur eyes
look out and become wise
for he’ll always remain iced
it’s u who believed in his lies
i can’t accept the truth
dun speak dun talk jus be mute
it can’t be him, he was so crude
it’s not him that brought me to this route
now u blame me for speakin
see u, i didn’t say nothing
for it is u who shud be listening
out there for the wind whisperin
shush shush…………………………..
……………………………………………
…………………………………………….
no i cannot hear nothing…………..
alone and so full of tear
they understand d meaning of near
yet so far away to be heard
why don u open ur eyes
look out and become wise
for he’ll always remain iced
it’s u who believed in his lies
i can’t accept the truth
dun speak dun talk jus be mute
it can’t be him, he was so crude
it’s not him that brought me to this route
now u blame me for speakin
see u, i didn’t say nothing
for it is u who shud be listening
out there for the wind whisperin
shush shush…………………………..
……………………………………………
…………………………………………….
no i cannot hear nothing…………..
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