Brain and Heart at War

sometimes i am at war with myself.

Really, I am a total introvert. I am anti-social. I really don't like standing on stage. I don't like meeting people for the first time. I am worse when at social functions, especially if I don't have a close friend to stick to.

Recently, I have been warring with myself as to whether to step out of the house or not. Would it better to go out and explore? or would it be better to be recluse and hide in my room and watch all the drama i can watch, read all the fanfictions that I can read. My heart says one thing, and my brain says another. And the heart and brain are also completely fickle, because they switch priorities and never do agree with each other.

I want to go out, I want to walk around the city, around the country. My brain mostly says it is no problem, I can do it, I can go wherever I want. And my heart knows brain is right, but heart is not completely in it. It doesn't like going around alone, walking the streets alone, not speaking the language, with no friends, no acquaintances, hate sitting in the cafe alone (although brain says people watching is fun), my heart is not up for this adventure. Then sometimes, its the complete opposite, the heart say yes, lets go, and when I step out of the house and walk around, brain becomes paranoid, and heart starts become mellow, and wants to just go back home.

So, under such circumstances, what should I do?

#BrainAndHeartAtWar #thoughts

Love yourself

Loving yourself is the most difficult thing to do.
What would expect from others if you cannot love yourself, more over even respect yourself?
I think when you love yourself, you are automatically respecting yourself, you are taking care of yourself, you are building your confidence, and then you are ready to love everyone else in the world, be it your family, friends and even foe.
But loving oneself is the most difficult thing, ain't it?

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

#thoughts

The look

You know how sometimes when you say like you like this singer or that actor or that band, people will give you "the look". The condescending look like how could you like this person/ thing/ song. Yeah, I am sure most have received that look. In fact I am sure that I myself have previously given the look to others. And when you receive that look, you'd be like (i) defending your fav or (ii) feeling embarrassed for not "keeping up to trend". I, unfortunately, fall in the second category. I get highly embarrassed and will never mention that ever again. Although that doesn't mean that I have stopped loving whatever is it I am loving. Over the years, I have kept a lot of my favorite artist/actor/idol locked up tight in my heart, not sharing with anyone except close friends ~but sometimes even the close friends are capable of hurting your likes and dislikes~ Now, I still keep them close in my heart, but it is not because I am embarrassed, its more like I couldn't be bothered to share with you if you continue to diss them, and it is not worth the heartache. We all have our reasons for liking (or disliking) someone or something, and if you are not agreeable, just respect the other peoples' choice!

So, to conclude let me share with you actor/singers/idols/band that I have loved throughout my life (and mind you, some of them I still love)

1. Tommy, my first love, from the Power Rangers (I know this is just a character, but still people look at me like, how old are you? you watched Power Rangers? etc. I love watching Tommy, and the other rangers as well, now and then I still watch old series on youtube)
2. Aragorn, my second love, from Lord of the Rings (Yeah, yeah, no one ever judges me for loving him or the Lord of the Rings. The movie is that awesome)
3. Gong Yoo, after coffee prince, it was not only the character, but the his acting skills in that drama, that made me fall for him, of course he is not perfect, some of his drama aren't that great, but he can act
4. Kamenashi Kazuya, from KAT-TUN. Honestly, I don't think I have ever liked anyone this much. I first saw him in a drama, his acting, his micro-emotions just had me done. From there, I grew to love KATTUN too. Now I love everyone from KATTUN. (Here is where I get the terrible look, its just another idol band, who can't sing, whose members can't act, and the list goes on. You know, no, you actually don't know, but its okay for you to not know, as long as you aren't coming to face, and insulting me and my taste.)\

Hahaha.. So that's all for today. Tune in sometime soon. Au revoir

Reasons and defeat

It's never gonna be same again
As I sit stiffly, refusing to look at you or even hear you out

It's not going to work
As you kneel by me, pleading your "excuses and reasons"

It ain't easy to keep the hurt, the anger inside
As i clench my fist, making angry crescents on my palm

It's so frustrating to hear you say again and again
As you deny your lies and tell me that it was all a misunderstanding

It's even harder to let go
when you beg me to not leave, to give you a few days, to give a chance to explain

It was my breaking point
when I icily questioned, are those days for evidence ridding

It just got worse
when I realize that I was already going to give in to you

It's my fault in the end
for even starting this shit in the first place
for removing the barriers I've built so carefully around my heart

My first story

I wrote my first story, I think I was 9/10 years old. It was written on pages torn out from the middle of my school notebook. I might have written about 15-20 pages of stuff that don't exactly remember writing, What I do remember, is feeling proud of completing this without it being an excuse for school. Something that I had always thought I would love to do. So, feeling accomplished, I gave 2 persons that I adore and love ~people whom I still love today~ to read. I remember being so nervous and anxious. Of course, after reading they were praising me, and saying it was well written and all the stuff you say to a child. But me being me, an overtly observant piece of shit, even at a young age, mostly deciphered their true feelings for my story just by their expression while they were reading. Their expression seemed to have said it all. Both of them looked surprised, worried, and  mildly disturbed. ~Now that I think of it, maybe the story was too adult for my age? Well, it contained kissing and stuff, which were at those days considered not suitable for children our age. However, with the exposure of TV (at that era), of course we were bound to find kissing all over our small screens~ Seeing their expression, I remember feeling terribly embarrassed, and useless and felt like I should never ever write anything more in my life. I think I kept up to this motto until senior high school. Until I had school assignments that required me to exchange diary-like essays with random classmates. ~I still have those stored in a box back home, and boy, they do bring back lots of memories~ From then I wrote, mostly for school assignments, then I wrote personal diaries ~of which I burnt at the end of the year, so stupid of me~ and then I started writing in blogs, I had a friendster account and a blog there ~unfortunately it has been wiped out~ so I lost most of my writings there. There I had gmail, which came with blogger, and I started writing here. It feels liberating at times to just write down things, and especially when I am upset, angry or lost. It is also fun to re-visit these old writings someday, and think back what the hell did I do on this day. I also dabble in some not very poetic writings ~I suck at that~. Nowadays I read a lot of fanfictions and there are some who are really really very good at writing, very imaginative, some of them make me cry, laugh, and get emotional along with their characters. But ever since ~my first story~, I have never attempted anything serious, I don;t think I can write very well anyway, and i am not that imaginative nor am i creative. I think my confidence took a serious beating even back then.

Moral of the story: Be mindful of how you treat children, not only with your words and gestures but also your expression towards them, Because cumulatively these will create a life long lasting impression of them. Impacting their behavior and attitude in work, life, and overall being a human.,,,

Moving to another country

Two months and a week ago, I moved to another country. This time it's for work. Before leaving, I was always asked whether I was getting excited to leave. But no, honestly I did not feel "excitement", I did not understand why either, because it has been a long, long dream of mine to go to another country, to experience life elsewhere, to travel around the world. But yet, when the time came, I did not feel excited. I was not reluctant, nor was I sad. It was more like, yeah, its about time, and I am just thankful, and at the same hesitant to leave my mum alone. Nevertheless, 2  and 1/2 months later I am here in my room far away from home typing this piece of shit out. 

Before I left, I was so tied down with getting my visa, where the embassy sort of gave me fucking hell lots of problem, shuffled here and there. I was thinking, shouldn't the embassy be more welcoming, shouldn't they be more helpful? But I know, the lady was just doing her job, and probably meant well (she didn't want me to get into any trouble with the city administration here). So, I only got my visa 2/3 weeks before I was scheduled to leave. And with only my visa and lodging in mind, I never did research about the country, nor the city I was gonna live in for the next two years. I came here totally unprepared, and unwilling of help from colleagues. Still, I managed, lugging behind me 40kg worth of stuff, I boarded the plane, and I realized 99% of the passengers were French speaking. At that moment, I realize I got myself in deep shit (haha). Still, I was not worried, sat beside a guy who looked like he wanted to talk to me for the whole journey, but I was faster, jamming the earphones, pulling up my hoodie, I practically retreated into my shell (the anti-social being I am). So, I watched movies, I ate, and I slept and only during the last leg of the journey, did the guy manage to speak to me, trying to find out everything he could. He didn't speak French, and spoke Dutch, but with his halting English, he actually was kind enough to guide me through the airport and immigration where I bade him farewell. 

Next, with my limited French (thanks, monsieur Point), I managed to find my way to the train station, bought a train ticket where the mademoiselle kindly told me that I had to switch trains at certain stops. The bag was a b***h to haul up and down the train. When I reach my switch stop, I got down from the train and realized that I didn't know which track to take my train from. I paced up and down, and found a fellow passenger from the east who was looking just as bewildered as I was. Despite being antisocial, I struck up a conversation and found out that he was meant to get off here but he doesn't know where the exit is. So, off we went to an adventure of finding an exit for him and then realized that there were 2 exits, and Mr. East was not sure where he was supposed to go. I couldn't accompany him anymore, so I bid him adieu and continued searching for the track I was supposed to on. I find a board detailing the trains and their tracks. And I found 2 heading to where I was supposed to go, they were just 5 minutes apart and on totally different tracks. Again, the shy and unpleasant me had to approach another kind soul who explained to me that both trains go there, it's just that they take different routes. She wants kind enough to help me search on her app, for which train will arrive my destination earliest, An off I go to my track, waiting patiently for the train to arrive. Suddenly a guy with as many luggage as I had, along with his guitar approach me and start speaking to me in French. I said no speak french, and he happily switched to English and asked me whether I could look after his luggage while he grabbed some food to eat. He even offered to grab me some (which I declined). So, I said sure, no problem and he was gone. 5 minutes, I was panicking, because I starting thinking too much, like what if he had drugs in luggage or something, and I was in a foreign country, and i was advised to not handle stranger's luggage...blah blah blah.. of course that was me overthinking and poof, he was back with a sandwich in his hands. And I found a conversation partner who helped me with my killer luggage and thought I was very brave to travelling alone to another country without speaking the language, and without any plans... 

Well, I was not brave, I am not brave now too.. I am just a scared little nerd who had always wanted to travel (when I was young I wanted to a pilot to travel around the world), and opportunity came, and I lunged at it. Seriously though, I managed to make to my lab, and to my temporary residence. And I, with minimal help, managed to find myself a decent little studio (with a bathtub~my favorite), get all administrative stuff sorted out. I was proud of myself. But I have not managed to make any new friends, a little bit saddening, but its alright, because I am at the age where i don't need many friends, just as long as I can keep in touch with my best friends, thats enough that makes me happy.

Okay

Its okay to cry, you know

Its okay to laugh

Its okay to snort

Its okay to fart

Its okay to burp

Its okay to be yourself

Its okay to love yourself

Its okay to love everyone else

But its not okay to hurt someone intentionally 

Its never okay to tear people up

Its not okay to insult or malicious tease others

So be a kind human

spread the love, stop the ill-will

may there one day be peace

Thank you

Hey there,

I have not updated anything new about myself recently, have I?

If you are reading this blog ~hahaha,.. I am pretty no one is~, then you must have seen my angry personal blogs and also some very random poetic attempts of mine.

I graduated last year, you know. Getting there was not an easy journey. First, I lost my dad before he even got a chance to know I was gonna do my PhD. Then my supervisor schedules my seminar 3 weeks after he dies. I was so frustrated at that time, couldn't get anything right, broke down at weirdest moment. Went to get superb drunk one night with my friend, ending puking in the toilet later. You know, I almost backed out of doing a phd. Then I thought to myself, what am i gonna do then? How am I gonna support my family, I have a mum and a younger sister who will be depending on me. I had 6 dogs at home that need to be fed. So, I decided to continue, to strive along, not give up and make my parents proud.

These 3 years, I had many travelling opportunities, I met great people, people whom still have place in my heart. I has great company and friends, but somewhere along the line, somewhere in 2014, there was a rift between me and my supervisor. It all started with my thesis, although I had finished writing and given her for correction, she told me that  I need that 2 publication (which mind you, I already had), and don't need to submit my thesis until the paper which was just sent for revision was accepted. I was so angry, because she had no problem with my thesis, everything was done well, i had all the necessities to submit my thesis, but for some reason, she just didn't want me to do so. I should have left then, should have listened to my mum. But no, I was too naive, too stupid, too kind-hearted because later when she begged me to not leave her lab after I completed my thesis, i stayed. And hell broke loose in September 2014. I think I have never felt that abused in my whole life. I have felt as used as I was for the 6 months that i was there. I lost my self confidence, I lost my esteem, I lost all good memories that I had of that place. I was broken, I hit rock bottom, and remained there until the line was crossed, where I was accused to be a lousy teacher. I left. And i think that was one of the best decision I made in my whole life, I would be jobless for the next few months, but I regained myself. I became happier, I was smiling sincerely once more, I lived without fear and humiliation.

But you know, all through this diversity, I had my mum and the memory of my dad, my aunt, my sisters, my brother-in-law, my niece, my 2 good friends who walked every step with me. Some who cried with me, some that made me laugh openly, some who were silently suffering together with me. You know, without them I really really wouldn't have survived these years. I wouldn't be here now.

So despite being late for this year's thanksgiving, I want thank god for all of you who have been the pillar of my life. Thank you all for being here and there, still being here and there for me. Thank you for everything, every memory, every tear, every smile, every gift, every time spent. I love you all

sobs

you told me you'd be late
you told me you'd a meeting
you told me you'd to fly overseas
you told me lies

i never learn
i forgot the pain
i thought you were different
i fell in love with you

you come back
you act like nothing's changed
you still shower with love
or was it an act since the beginning

i don't know how to act
i can't pretend
i saw you out there with someone else
so don't try to deny the fact

you know i once told you
if you ever fall out of love
just tell it to my face
i will walk out by myself

i will not confront you
i will not scream at you
i will not make a scene
but i will leave and not let you see a tear

you stop me
you ask me why i am leaving
you look like you are going to die
why would you? you should be glad

i said i wouldn't let you see my tears
i also said i can't pretend
i try to be stone-hearted
but you had thawed that heart some time ago

so when you hugged me tight
and swore that you had no idea what was happening
all i could do was to freeze in your arms
and let out wracking sobs

It doesn't matter

It was never at first sight
Never did I believe in such trite
You were my friend first
Everything else next

Never expected things to turn out this way
Then again they say never say never
did it start with a kiss
or was there mutual acceptance and understanding prior

Sometimes the memories, they blur
they mix and blend, twist and turn
I began to get things mixed up
Was it you or did I start this

but in the end it did not matter
still it doesn't matter
because you still lie beside me
because you still have a place here

Random

Topic 1
There are days when I just wanna give up. Today is one of them. Actually I take that back, I have been feeling like this since last Thursday. Nothing complicated has happened, yet it feels like every single thing is complicated and the whole universe together is conspiring against me. Now, I wish this feeling to go away, shoo shoo go away and never come back again.

Topic 2
Time flies, doesn't it? Extremely fast. I left my job at the end of March. And before I know it, it is already end of August. In a months time, I will be spreading my and flying away. I spent 5 months, not working in the lab but elsewhere, working at home, learning new skills- plumbing, tiling, repairing, spending time with my darlings (Amma and my sweetheart). I feel refreshed, and I am ready for another adventure.

Leaving

I pack my bag and boxes
I empty drawers, discarding the unwanted
I open fridge, decanting the old
I struggle with the freezers, getting frostbites, throwing what was mine
As I near the last day
I feel pain, pain of leaving,
pain of being treated like a misfit. like useless piece of shit
when you have sacrificed years of effort, tears, sweat and blood
mind and brain power, hours of sight

But as this door closes, another opens
I am not going to dwell on the closed one any longer,
I am searching for my opened door

Thank you and goodbye

Hurt

I think if I talk to anyone now about the shit I am going through at work, I think I will be crying uncontrollably because everything hurts.

Food and knowledge

My parents taught me some very important things in life, one of them being 

"Don't be selfish with your food and knowledge"

Share your food and always prioritize other people's hunger than your own, giving them whatever/ however little you have with you. I try to do that, I try my best, but sometimes when I see some people, especially the ones who come and eats and doesn't give a damn about whether others have eaten, I really really feel like I want to hide my food away. Store it away, hide it away, don't let them see because they are really greedy with no conscience at all. But then my mother is very smart and she knows her daughter very well, and she knows who these people are, and she will scold me before I have even done anything. She says its okay, don't become like them and stoop to their level, its okay its okay, karma will bite them in their ass. So I am still okay with sharing/giving my food away.

Now, knowledge is other hand a very different thing. From young I have been taught to share my knowledge. Attending my primary school however taught me that not everyone is as generous with their knowledge, There are some sneaky assholes that go around "acquiring" knowledge from everybody else but when they are asked for some "knowledge" in return or otherwise, they will say "I don't know" or "I am not smart" or "I also don't understand". Then during the exams they go and score a million marks, with their smug little smirks. These people pisses me off and I have learnt to share my knowledge with those who do not fall into that criteria. There is also another category of people that pisses me off, those who do not make any effort to learn at all. Always expecting some spoon-feeding, to give them all the answers to the universe. Unfortunately, I can't stand people like that either.

I fail in following my parents teachings, and I can justify this as my survival in this fucked up world!!

Let it go

Sometimes it will be easier to just let it all go.

To let them do whatever they want to do.

Allow them to take your hard work

grant them the opportunity to step over you

Sometimes it will be better to just to all that

But then you sit down and think

about the years you spent

about the time you slogged

about the sweat and blood you dripped

about the sacrifices your family and friends made for you

you think it is only easy to say let it all go

never easy to do, never sits right on your conscience

because it is your work it is what you did

and why should let anyone else meddle with your shit

when its yours and those who worked hard on it

and you fight, you cry, you shed a million tears

and then you get tired

and finally decide you have had enough

you have had enough

you had done enough

and it is time to let go 

and time to leave