Changes

We all change, don't we? As you grow older, circumstances change, feelings change, people move on, life goes on.. we should never expect life to be the same. Many a times, friends become busy, friends make new friends, the time you meet up become so little. you start wondering if things could ever be like those days. In the end nevertheless you die alone, so might as well learn to live alone.

Lost identity

Lately, I have been feeling lost. It feels like I have lost a part of my identity. Its like I don't know myself anymore. I have no motivation, no desire, no passion for anything. When I look at other people, they have hobbies, things they like to do, sewing, cooking, dancing etc.. while i just sit here and rot myself away. compared to 7 years ago, I am but a meagre of myself.. i used to be bubbling with self confidence, and curiousity, now its like the complete opposite.. somehow it feels like I have died inside.

dancing all by yourself

your whole life, you have danced alone.
on this stage all by yourself.
you are so comfortable in your space.
the music is all yours.
the beat controls your movement.
you dont follow no one
coz the rhythm comes to you.
you do as you wish
you sway as you want.
you are not perfect
but the stage is all yours.
you are drowning in it
but only in joy you drown you dance you move.
unknowingly capturing the eyes of many.
you are not used to that
because in real life no one pays you any attention.
but they do on this stage
some with malicious intentions
some with wonder
some just wanna join you in having fun

but you
you have danced all by yourself all your life
you do not know how to sync with another
you do not understand how some songs are meant for two
you do not feel comfortable when someone steps in your bubble
so you apologize
or you fight

its okay darling
just go on being you
just keep on dancing alone
one day you will find someone who learns what moves you
then may you find your dance partner

realization

when you realize that you have no self-esteem, self-confidence at all. when you realize that you have been putting on a facade. when you realize that you are nothing but a coward. when you realize all these you realize how broken you truly are, you realize that you may never find happiness, you realize that you do not have a direction in life. and when this is realized you will feel pain, and wonder what went wrong, and the fact is you will never know. you will just keep pretending,  pretending nothing in this world can hurt you, pretending that everything is okay, keep putting on a smile and swallowing every hurt hurled at you. Its okay.. you will numb sooner or later.. then everything is okay..

foolishness of the heart
i should have let you go
or i should have walked away
lest we feel the way we do right now
my heart is full doubt
not about you never about you
its i i doubt, its i
i never did love myself
you are so generous with love
i think it may all be gone
sooner or later you will find out
the real me the monster i am
i will tear you down
i will wear you down
i am capable of all that and more
except for loving me myself like i should
my love my sweetheart my one
i do not want you to see me thus
unfortunately you sneaked in
and you are caught in my web
i just want you happy
i just want me happy
so if you are any smarter
leave while you can
before i turn you into me
oh, my dear sweet one
oh the foolishness of our heart

Don't turn out like me

okay. whenever i hear this "you are going to turn out like her.", it breaks my heart. what is so bad about me. But its okay go ahead and keep saying that to your daughters. and while you keep telling them not to become fat like I am, don't forget to tell them also to NOT become smart like me, NOT to become filial like me, NOT to become an independent lady like I am. No, all you can see is the outer me, thats all you can see and that reflects your shallow-mindedness, you okay, i will be okay, and i will move one from your harmful words, but don forget you are just breeding another shallowminded one like you are.

stopnodontstop

stophogging
stopdrappingyourselfalloverme
stopbreathingdownmyneck
stopjuststop

lovemylove
stoppushingmeaway
stoppretendingyoudontlikethis
stopputtingupthisbarrier

darlingohmydarling
yesyesyesohyouknowmesowell
yesyesyesdontstop
dontyoudarestop

i must have done something really bad in my past life
i have so much to pay back
i have to live to serve
i have to hear unjust even though i live my life for them
i really must have done something very very bad in my past life