Let it go

Sometimes it will be easier to just let it all go.

To let them do whatever they want to do.

Allow them to take your hard work

grant them the opportunity to step over you

Sometimes it will be better to just to all that

But then you sit down and think

about the years you spent

about the time you slogged

about the sweat and blood you dripped

about the sacrifices your family and friends made for you

you think it is only easy to say let it all go

never easy to do, never sits right on your conscience

because it is your work it is what you did

and why should let anyone else meddle with your shit

when its yours and those who worked hard on it

and you fight, you cry, you shed a million tears

and then you get tired

and finally decide you have had enough

you have had enough

you had done enough

and it is time to let go 

and time to leave

Words that aren't coming out

Quanter of a year
That's how long since I've been gone
away from this place
in between many a times
I stopped by
looked at the white sheet
stared hard and yet
words just didn't come out
up to now it still doesn't come out
words.. seems like i've forgotten how to emote
like i've locked my feelings
bottled them up tightly
that even words don't come out anymore

and still it hurts, especially here in the heart
with too much to hold
and too little to be shared
and too exhausting
too far gone....

The damaged good

I am thinking.
Yeah, I am always thinking.
Sometimes I think too much
most of the time I try to stop thinking

You know, on the surface I may look like a confident woman. But half of the time, I am just a self-deprecating person, who totally don't feel confident at all. From young, I have always heard fat people are slow, and lazy and slow-minded. I guess the words weren't targeted at me, mostly I think derived by the too-observant little self, who takes in more than the adult can think of (which is why I advocate not gossiping/badmouthing in front of young ones). I have heard more than I should have probably. I knew I was fat from a young age. Then I went to school, and things only became worse, not only I was fat, now I was black (in a sea of yellow skinned people). These people made me feel the worst. But my young self was a relentless little girl, I must have thought then, if I can't be pretty, or look nice, then I will use my brains to fight these people off. I will show them that if I can't beat them in the "looks" area, then I will use my smartness. I had six years of miserable life (those were the worst years I guess), I fought a tough and long battle, only to be pushed down again and again (even literally), but that strong little fighter in me didn't give up. I never felt appreciated for my talents, always sidelined, so that someone with "better looks" can take the lead. Although secondary school was way better than primary school, I still faced some uncanny individuals bent on making my miserable or just had a word to say about my looks. Not always, I had many friends, true ones though rare. At home, relatives, the first thing they ask when they see me is why aren't you losing weight? or haven't you put on weight? Oh god, I am doing so well in other areas/aspect of life, and you can only pick this to comment on? So superficial. Someone is always telling me, lose your weight and all the guys will come after you like stray dogs. And one day I got tired of hearing her say this, so I told her I'd rather not have any strays following me. I want a man who can appreciate me as I am. And she was stunned. One classmate asked me, are you sure you and your sister are from the same parents? One colleague, when I said my crush spoke to me, she said you sure he was speaking to you. when someone told her a guy was flirting with me, said are you sure he was flirting? One friend told me all the people here are fat because they are eating so much and i told him, well I am fat too, which he then said oh you are not fat. When I sat down to watch a crush play basketball game, a security guard walked past and told me to my face, people like you, do you think anyone will reciprocate your feelings? And things like this go on and on. And it will never end.

I always tell myself after very conversation "sticks and stone may break my bone but words will never hurt me". I tell myself don't pay heed to people who hurt you, don't mind their words, don't take to heart. But you know, words have their ways on people, the way they seep into your soul and hurt you. They imprint themselves, gnawing at your conscious, brainwashing your mind, tearing your soul. And the damage is done. So, today I still don't dare to believe even if someone did like me, I would brush them off, and or pretend like we're just good friends. I don't understand when someone flirts with me, because I am made to believe that I am not worthy of their attention. I get tongue-tied, I get awkward because in my head you shouldn't be flirting with me, you shouldn't be paying attention to me. 

You see, how damaging words can be. Yeah I am confident in every other thing I do, yet when it comes to myself, I fail. That's how damaged I am.

So people, next time do think a little before you speak, and its not only me who is suffering, people who are fat who are suffering, but generally everybody at one point of their life who have had been made to believe that they weren't important enough, not good enough, not right enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough.

I am damaged. I don't want the future children to face the same that I have or perhaps have done to some others unconsciously. Always encourage each other, lift each other up, try to make everyone smile and maybe one day the world will be a better place