Ice cream

Someone once told me: Someone who loves to eat ice cream, is a very lonely person."

Because I sat down and ate a whole tub of ice cream by myself. Was I lonely? Am I lonely?

Perhaps it is true, I am a lonely person, I sat down, ate the ice cream, thinking of the past/present/future, shed some lonely tears, and moved on with life.

I still do that sometimes.

But I love ice cream, it is not only when I am lonely I eat ice cream, I eat it when I am HAPPY, PANICKY, STRESSED, IN LOVE, OUT OF LOVE, WITH FRIENDS, TEMPTED.

I just love ice creams.. Standing in front of Baskins/Haagen/Lecka/Gelato, I can't ever make up my mind to eat which. Although most of the times, I just end looking at them because of their high prices, and end up eating McD's RM1 tax excluded ICE cream. Poor me. Give me an opportunity and lots of money, everyday I could but an ice cream to eat and never get bored with that much of variety around.

Hmmmm.. Ice cream oh ice cream.. I am so craving for one :)

Mother's Day

My dear Mother,

Today's Mother's Day,and yet once again I don't have anything to give this lady, my mum.

Chandra Davee is her name. The name of the woman who brought me and my sisters up. The amount of sacrifice she has given for the sake of her family, for us, only we know, only God knows. We have been naughty, lazy, rebellious, inattentive, uncaring, sometimes so rude, it would have torn her heart into a million pieces each time we said or did somethings. Yet, this lady stood by us, and is still standing by us, no matter how good or how bad we have been. Only a lady like her, can endure everything life has set for her, the pain, the hurt, and the good and happy times.

From my memories, (i have a short term memory) I remember her coming to school every afternoon to feed me (because I was a vegetarian, and there was no food available in the canteen), she would check my homework, help me out with my homework, teach me this and that, she would meet my school teachers regularly for an update on my progress (although at that time I hated that), she would check my schoolbag/drawer for rubbish (as usual, I will always kena hemtam), she would carry thameesha in one hand, mayuri's bag in another, tagging me along to catch the bus from sentul to chow kit, form chow kit to klang bus stand, from klang bus stand to brickfields, so that we can go for dance classes. When we finally got a van, at the age of 39, she went and took up driving lessons, so she will be able to drive us to school,classes etc. Until now, she does all of the housework, she makes sure there is food for us, she takes care of her husband, as well as her kids. She pays bills, drives around for endless chores, she .......

She cries very often now, worried about many things, too many things that make her sad.

I feel like a useless daughter to you, amma. I cannot even make you happy for a day. I am unable to bring peace nor happiness to you. I am really sorry I cannot do anything for you now.

But you must know, one day, when I am successful, when my time has come, I will never forget what you have done for us. I will try to repay as much as I can, although no matter how much I pay, it will never be enough to repay all the love and sacrifice you have given us.

Amma, I am sorry for all the wrongs I have done and am still doing. I love you, no we love you. I can give assurance, that we all love you and appa so much that even if next life we were born, I will still want to be your daughter. You are the bestest mother in the world. Happy Mother's Day!!! :)

Death

Once again, I am not feeling too well. Physically I am fine, it's my heart that isn't feeling too well.

Too many things going on. What is my focus now? Where I am standing now?

Can I talk about death? (I know, an abrupt change of topic). Or maybe I've been thinking about death all these time?

Hmmm... I've always said I am not afraid of death, until recently I realized that actually I am terrified of death. I am not scared about dying, it's more like I am scared of people around me dying.

I, for one, cannot handle death of anybody, be it stranger, a friend or a family. I never go to funerals, I avoid them like plague (the last funeral I've been was my grandfather in 1995). I was still a child then, but very much more braver than I am now. I can't bear to see my loved ones on a deathbed, even the thought of them dying, just makes me feel like crying.

But, everyone has to go one right? But I want to the first to go, I don't want to see my dad/mum/uncle/sisters/relatives/friends go before me, especially those close to me. I feel like I would naturally follow them to wherever they are, I feel like I might go into depression and never come out again, or I might go insane.

I am not one who shows much affection, or emotion, the only thing I do, is try to be happy, how do I deal with death? But in my heart, I cry, I laugh, I love, I care, and when I am going to lose someone I love very much, I don't think I'll be able to take it anymore, I might just succumb to whatever that is in store for me, I'm not as strong/ cold-hearted as a lot people see me, I am just another weak one, weak when it comes to losing the ones I love.

So, Dear God, please listen to my prayers, I am praying real hard. Please let my parents, my sisters, my uncles and aunties, my friends live a long happy life. Keep them strong and healthy. Keep them always happy. Please God, please do this for me. Please let them all live longer than I will.