Sometimes I lie here, unable to sleep because thoughts just keep going back and forth in my head. i dont want to think too much. but i cant stop myself. i am weird generally, on the outer layer, i am strong, cold, harsh, inpenetrable, stubborn. but inside i worry a lot.
you know, if you have been reading my blog since long ago, you would know that my family is very important to me. So when something happens i get worried, i cannot sleep. most of the time, i am the one telling my mom to not worry, everything will work out because thats what i want to believe in. but at night when you are alone, everything resurfaces. it makes me worried.
to the person involved, if you are reading this: how can i help you, if you dont help yourself... on one hand i want to help you but on the other hand i dont want to help you. i understand (no i dont understand and i cannot even remotedly imagine how you felt) you are broken, by someone whom you were bound to, someone whom you love. you could have handled this better, trusted someone to tell them about this, and solved it another way instead you took the road where you hurt yourself, you damaged yourself, and slowly that toxic spread to your family. you should have been firmer in your strength and resolution, you should have left with dignity, and not as you are now. not in way you are now. what you are doing now is highly despicable, not for yourself only, but everyone else involved (and there are many involved). i wished you were less selfish, open your eyes and see that you are not the only one suffering. i want to help you, but i think the only way for me to help you is to let you be. you need to learn to be independent, to learn the harsh reality of life (which you have been pretty cocooned), to rebuild yourself, to find your way and strength and self confidence again. I am sorry, i really am, i cannot do more, but i still cannot forgive what you are doing now (but that doesnt matter, does it). so when you think you have found your way and you have become yourself again, come find me!
