The damaged good

I am thinking.
Yeah, I am always thinking.
Sometimes I think too much
most of the time I try to stop thinking

You know, on the surface I may look like a confident woman. But half of the time, I am just a self-deprecating person, who totally don't feel confident at all. From young, I have always heard fat people are slow, and lazy and slow-minded. I guess the words weren't targeted at me, mostly I think derived by the too-observant little self, who takes in more than the adult can think of (which is why I advocate not gossiping/badmouthing in front of young ones). I have heard more than I should have probably. I knew I was fat from a young age. Then I went to school, and things only became worse, not only I was fat, now I was black (in a sea of yellow skinned people). These people made me feel the worst. But my young self was a relentless little girl, I must have thought then, if I can't be pretty, or look nice, then I will use my brains to fight these people off. I will show them that if I can't beat them in the "looks" area, then I will use my smartness. I had six years of miserable life (those were the worst years I guess), I fought a tough and long battle, only to be pushed down again and again (even literally), but that strong little fighter in me didn't give up. I never felt appreciated for my talents, always sidelined, so that someone with "better looks" can take the lead. Although secondary school was way better than primary school, I still faced some uncanny individuals bent on making my miserable or just had a word to say about my looks. Not always, I had many friends, true ones though rare. At home, relatives, the first thing they ask when they see me is why aren't you losing weight? or haven't you put on weight? Oh god, I am doing so well in other areas/aspect of life, and you can only pick this to comment on? So superficial. Someone is always telling me, lose your weight and all the guys will come after you like stray dogs. And one day I got tired of hearing her say this, so I told her I'd rather not have any strays following me. I want a man who can appreciate me as I am. And she was stunned. One classmate asked me, are you sure you and your sister are from the same parents? One colleague, when I said my crush spoke to me, she said you sure he was speaking to you. when someone told her a guy was flirting with me, said are you sure he was flirting? One friend told me all the people here are fat because they are eating so much and i told him, well I am fat too, which he then said oh you are not fat. When I sat down to watch a crush play basketball game, a security guard walked past and told me to my face, people like you, do you think anyone will reciprocate your feelings? And things like this go on and on. And it will never end.

I always tell myself after very conversation "sticks and stone may break my bone but words will never hurt me". I tell myself don't pay heed to people who hurt you, don't mind their words, don't take to heart. But you know, words have their ways on people, the way they seep into your soul and hurt you. They imprint themselves, gnawing at your conscious, brainwashing your mind, tearing your soul. And the damage is done. So, today I still don't dare to believe even if someone did like me, I would brush them off, and or pretend like we're just good friends. I don't understand when someone flirts with me, because I am made to believe that I am not worthy of their attention. I get tongue-tied, I get awkward because in my head you shouldn't be flirting with me, you shouldn't be paying attention to me. 

You see, how damaging words can be. Yeah I am confident in every other thing I do, yet when it comes to myself, I fail. That's how damaged I am.

So people, next time do think a little before you speak, and its not only me who is suffering, people who are fat who are suffering, but generally everybody at one point of their life who have had been made to believe that they weren't important enough, not good enough, not right enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough.

I am damaged. I don't want the future children to face the same that I have or perhaps have done to some others unconsciously. Always encourage each other, lift each other up, try to make everyone smile and maybe one day the world will be a better place

When you are hurt
you wanna hurt others back
you wanna inflict the same pain back on me
you wanna let them know how it feels to be hurt
but an eye for an eye
is no good, is a vicious cycle
going round and around the world
everyone wants a bit of revenge
or they say "let them have a taste of their own medicine"
and it goes on and on
no one's willing to stop
no one wants to forgive
no one wants to move on and forward
It's no fun hurting each another
In the end you are just hurting yourself
In the end you'll be the one who suffers
In the end you'll be at the losing end

Let go
Move on
Forgive the ones that hurt you
but I'd would not forget
because I'd want to avoid similar situations in the future
But I won't forget
because I am sure there something in this lesson for me to learn
And I will forgive
But I am not sure how to bring the relationship
back to normal, the usual
because most likely the trust is lost
because the hurt would have taught me a thing or two
because I will let go, and not hold anymore
to prevent myself from getting hurt
getting hurt (once again)

I am a puppet

once again I've been burnt
I spent tonight crying
because of words from a friend
as sharp as razor
shredding my heart into pieces
turning me even more insomniac
and i can't even defend myself
so, dear blog hear the words
I want to say, but cannot because it is a friend after all

Dear friend,
You know this problem started way back in August 2011.
It was meant to be a work of editing only, but it was that poorly written
I couldn't let it be, couldn't send it off as such
I did this with no intention of whatsoever, 
I didn't want a name
I didn't want fame
this because it wasn't my work
it wasn't my hard effort
but i changed everything
and i didn't even insert my name there
you should know better,
than accuse me of stealing your work

When my name appeared 
I didn't even realize it was first, until you mentioned to me
I didn't agree, and I was upset,
and I talked to you about this,
you should know, because we skyped

I fought, I went up and said
I'd rather not have my name at all
but you don't know, i got threatened
to be removed and you still won't be first
with someone else's name there for almost the nil work they did

Then came the whole fiasco with you wanting to be first
I had no objection, i would have relinquished the name in fact
because it is not my hardwork
and you should know what happened
it was (is still) in the emails splayed out for everyone to read
and did you forget, or were you just ignorant
to the fact that you decided to withdraw from it altogether
I still have the email as proof
if you would need a reminder of sort

it was a decision you made
I advised you against
but you said you'd rather let it all go
today, you are begrudging and accusing me for stealing your work

This was by far the hardest work I've ever done
It was kicked from one to another, then again to another
Then major revisions had to be done
which practically meant re-doing the whole bloody thing
from scratch, and I mean really from scratch
yes, it is your hardwork and effort
but it took me one and a half year to get it done
to be worthy, to be accepted
it took me a lot of effort too (by the way)
but it took even more from me
because it felt like a betrayal,
as your name was not there anymore
how many times i fretted over this issue
you will never know,
i only have god, mum and 2 other friends as witness
how much sleep, how much emotions
how I didn't know how to face you
yet i thought you would understand
as you were the one who relinquished your rights to this work
and i was a mere puppet in the games of the higher ranked people

but it hurts, to receive an email
with those kind of words
words that hurt me to the core
as if I haven't been felling guilty enough
as if I have intended all this from the very start
you say things too simply
quit and leave, you say
will you be feeding the people i have to fend?
many other options, you say?
why didn't you enlighten me earlier
when we talked about it?

I am hurt today..
really hurt..
You are my friend, but with this perhaps
we were not meant to be friends
I am sorry
I truly am
but I am also hurt, and I also have feelings
so, take my friend
 

Stupid LOVE

This is something I put up on my old blog a few years ago, and today I am feeling the same thing again. I care not to write it again, but when I look through what I wrote, they still hold the same, nothing has changed. Here it goes (yellow) is my previous blog and (red) is my how I feel now, this very minute!

Hmmm.. I am have been thinking, and thinking and pondering real hard (no more thinking too hard, it's there, in front of my eyes, in front of everyone's eyes, no point thinking already)

But still I haven’ found an answer to my question! yeah

When 2 people love each other very much, do they have to hurt each other that very much as well?

I can’t take it to see people who claim to love each other fight like dogs, argue, uncompromising, uncapable of understanding each other, not speaking the mind out, not willing to hear each other out, always hurting each other by the words they say to each other. I can’t take it, i really really cannot take, it pains me terribly moreover if it involves people I love dearly… When they fight, when one hurts the other, when they are trying their best to see who can kill each other with their poisonous words, do they ever stop to think about those around them, or even themselves and how if this person is no more in their life (even if they still are, how would they feel, how much hurt they have to bear through, how much efforts been made, how those witnessing them would feel, how this would end with broken hearts and broken souls?). Have they ever thought, I am angry, yes I am very angry, but why am I letting out my anger on someone i love dearly, someone their very life is interconnected to, someone their very soul is depended on… People can take hurtful to certain amount only, then they will retaliate or worse they will leave, either leaving them or leaving the world once and forever… Why do people take their loved ones for granted? Are they that dispensable? Are they your punching bag? But these are people you love, people you know would support you any time any place (is that the very fact, you are abusing them this way? because you know they will never leave you??)!!!!

When i ask these people, why do you even hurt each other, why do you do this to each other? Why do they fight an quarrel? Why don’t you love the other person anymor?

And the answer is always: “This is life,!!”. “Life is like this” (nowadays its worse, because they themselves don't know why they are in this kind of relationship, the one that breaks your soul)

No, if life is really like this, then I don’t want this type of life.. I don’t want to love anybody, I don’t want to be close to anybody, I don’t want to fight with anyone, I do not want to one day hurt someone I love or be hurt by someone l love. I do not want this type of life.. This is not life, I don’t know what this is, but if this really is LIFE, then forget life, take me somewhere where there is no LIFE. Take me to where the grass is green and the sky is blue, there is ample of clean water, and animals roaming freely according to their food ladder, take me to where there is love and only love. (no, i rephrase, take me to where there is happiness and peace, because LOVE only exists in fairy tales, books, and dramas)

I don’t want this type of LIFE!!! Yes, I don't want this kind of life.