Depression?

I think I have lots of pent up anger in me. Most of my anger is just towards myself, I am angry with myself for many reasons. Some I know, I should not be angry with myself, yet I can't help but be angry with myself.

I don't know what I am doing with my life. How long more will stay just as undecided as I am now. I cannot make up my mine, I cannot decide on what to do now. I know I have to work, yet my heart just doesn't want to settle for a work, just any work. Naturally, my greatest desire is to study once more. The job I am doing now (research assistant) is the best that I know of that will give me some money yet allow me to learn new things. But the pay is just not enough to support my family. This brings my heart and brains into a conflict, staying always undecided, don't know which way to take. One is rooting for more money (less freedom) and another more education and flexibility. Yet, I just can't decide.

For me, this seems the best just yet. However, I am angry because it is all I can do. I feel a great sense of disappointment with myself. As the eldest in my family, I am practically not contributing anything at all. I am 26years old and yet I can't give the best to my family, I can't relief them of their worries, i don't seem to be able to do anything. The disappointment I feel,slowly turned into anger, and now is quietly pent up in me. I am afraid of what might become, when this anger erupts, how many people am I going to hurt and at the same time, how much am i going to hurt myself.

I don't feel right at all. It is like I am waiting for something to happen. But what will happen, if I just continue sitting here, doing nothing useful. I am like a zombie, moving here and there, trying hard to live, but emotionless except for my budding anger, which is doing me nothing good.

God help me. Please send me your angel to guide me. Or please show me some sign that I am doing this right. God, dear God, I have faith in you, please help me put some faith in myself, so I'll believe myself, believe that I can make it work. I have to make it work, I have to proof that I am no useless person, not a useless daughter, sister, friend and human! Please shed some light......

missing

My sister's wedding was on the 22nd of March. It was a beautiful wedding. Mayuri look absolutely gorgeous that day. Sushant looked very handsome too. Should I put up some pictures as well? But then, why waste my time when I am talking to space, it's not like space will understand or see the pics.

Sometimes I feel so tired and pent up, I have no friends to talk to here, i left everyone I trust (of course, I trust my family, but it impossible to tell them everything, sometimes we don't even share the same wavelength) in Sarawak. Most of my friends here, I have not met them for so long, I feel so disconnected with them, i don't think it will be easy to talk to them.

Talking seems like a very good remedy for lonely souls, I miss talking,i miss laughing, joking, walking together, eating together, watching movies together, working together, fighting with each other, going for aerobics, dancing, clubbing, driving out for fun, once in awhile dinner, shopping for cheap pretty clothes. I miss many things, little things that made me feel alive, and made all my troubles seem far away.