life's dance

we are still dancing
around each other
here, to the same music
with eyes never straying away
from one another
you'd take a step forward
and i'll move 2 steps backwards
yet we are not dancing with each other
yet we haven't reach a mutual distance
i wonder is it me
or is just the way dance is meant to be
for all i really want (sometimes)
is to be in your arms
at your mercy
with you leading the dance
grasping me tightly
never letting me go

100th Post

This is my 100th posting here.
I can't even believe I actually could reach that number, or maybe I should be ashamed that I've only 100 posts for these years. Nevertheless, ometodou!!!

Do you wanna know how I got this "Blackwinter" name?
No, I don't have winter in my country.
The name came about about 13years ago ~wow, that's like ages ago~, when I was a young immature ~not that I've changed much though~, sensitive ~still am~, foolish ~hopefully i've become a little wiser, though I doubt it~, irritable ~occasionally i am still very much irritable~ girl who lacked self confidence, was very depressed, almost suicidal, who took everything in world personally and was angry at the world and everyone for reasons which I won't delve into. You know how ICQ was very famous then at that time, no FB, twitter, tumblr, it was ICQ, and chatrooms that was dominating the world. I could never find a suitable online ID, one day i was stonecold, the next, blackblack, then coldwinter, until one day one of my ICQ buddy said stop changing my name, he couldn't find me in his list, and suddenly I was blackwinter. The name has stuck with me for these many years, followed me through changes, through friendster, friendster blog, through almost everything i do online. I used imagine myself as harsh as a black winter day where the days were cold, dark, and harsh, and people hated this time, just like how they hated me at that time. These days though, I've learned that I couldn't be bothered to give a fuck to those who hate me, I can't please everyone, and I should never ever take things too personally. I've chilled slightly, relaxed a bit, learned that life's only hard when u make it hard, that winters can be beautiful even if its dark, ad many people don't like it. Because somewhere in the world, there's someone who loves the winter, snow, and all.

So people, if you are reading tonight/today, whatever the time it is out there. Please know that there some one out there in this small world that cares for you, loves you and wants you to always have a smile on your face. And when you feel like you don't have anyone for you, drop by, send me nudge, then let me tell you that I love you, stranger...

Hurting You

Enough enough
I can't take it anymore
I can't bear it any longer
Would you leave, please
I begged I pleaded
Just leave, I don't want this
I don't want to do this anymore
I don't want to keep hurting you
I don't want to keep hurting me
I don't want to keep hurting us
I will never be in peace
nor will you be happy with me
I just have this tendency
to keep hurting the ones i love
I just have this urge
to hurt before I get hurt
I just have this little madness
to keep thinking that happiness is unattainable
I just have to tear a part of my heart
to send it to you
along with you
when you leave
if you leave
if you 
if

But you sit there like a mule
Mouth zipped up
Eyes stoic and cold
forehead creased up
waiting for me to calm down
why wait? just go
this has happened way too many times
i've snapped at you 
for so many times
that i've lost count
so why do you still insist on being here
so why do you insist we can work this out
so why do you insist that love's more than enough
so why do you insist you still love me
and love me more than ever
after all i've put you through
I don't think i'll ever be ready
I don't think I'll ever work up enough
courage, self-confidence, self esteem
to stand by you, 
to face you as an equal
to understand that I'm not a broken
a broken doll, a messed up freak
a fat mapped up creature
to ever realize that you probably just
love me as I am

So, could you leave before I hurt us more?

Sick

woke up sweating
wondering in the haze of sleep
did i turn the heater to the max
or was it summer already
tried moving
only to realize i've been trapped
in between your arms and legs
and the heat is radiating off you
you don't give out this much heat
not usually, 
definitely not while sleeping like a log
worriedly I brought my arms 
to your forehead
to confirm my suspicions true indeed
and you're feverish
prying myself away
(which was too much of an effort)
and still you lay deep in sleep
bringing up the pills and water
sitting by you
trying to wake you up
you moan, you struggle
you finally blink those beautiful eyes open
(but, really, they weren't that pretty when all swollen)
helping you up
wordlessly you swallowed the pills
and slid back into sleep
 

When you are hurt
you wanna hurt others back
you wanna inflict the same pain back on me
you wanna let them know how it feels to be hurt
but an eye for an eye
is no good, is a vicious cycle
going round and around the world
everyone wants a bit of revenge
or they say "let them have a taste of their own medicine"
and it goes on and on
no one's willing to stop
no one wants to forgive
no one wants to move on and forward
It's no fun hurting each another
In the end you are just hurting yourself
In the end you'll be the one who suffers
In the end you'll be at the losing end

Let go
Move on
Forgive the ones that hurt you
but I'd would not forget
because I'd want to avoid similar situations in the future
But I won't forget
because I am sure there something in this lesson for me to learn
And I will forgive
But I am not sure how to bring the relationship
back to normal, the usual
because most likely the trust is lost
because the hurt would have taught me a thing or two
because I will let go, and not hold anymore
to prevent myself from getting hurt
getting hurt (once again)

dancing

Come on baby
Let's dance
but you refuse
so i hit the floor myself

With the alcohol buzzing
I can't stop moving
I don't care for other
dancing in my little own world

but they never leave me in peace
always wanting to dance with me
always trying to get their lecherous hands on me
always spoiling my fun, disturbing my world

when i felt the next pair of hands
i turned around 
with my fist all ready
to deliver as mighty as a blow as I can

to almost punch the daylights out of you
thank goodness 
for your fast reflexes
or perhaps it was me who was too boozed up

you try to get me off the floor
but the night was still young
and the music's still good
and maybe you can dance with me

realizing it'll be futile
to persuade me off
you just slip your arm around my waist
lingering on the small of my back

i grinned, i giggled into your chest
baby, this not a romantic song
why are you trying to waltz me around
before i knew it, you were storming your way to the bar