I would have loved to have a perfect family, but then again nothing is perfect.
I would like to say my family is broken, but that's not true when you compare to people who come really broken ones
Maybe I would say there is no harmony in my family. Every time we gather, so somewhat gather, there will be a fight, involving some tears, some shouting, some yelling... and I hate when things become that erratic.
But the worse part of all, is i can't do anything to make it better.
And to see your mom sad, to see her cry, to know in her heart she probably feels like she is just troubling of us all, and at the same time an outsider in her own family, it breaks my heart.
I want to make her happy, something I couldn't do for my dad. But happiness doesn't come from me having money and bringing her around the world. Happiness for her is to see her daughters' happiness, her granddaughter's happiness. And I can't make her happy in that sense, because there are my sisters, and they would have to feel the same. I am not perfect, i have hurt my mom again and again, many times, not only in the past but also recently. But i try to not, because she is all i have left. because if she is not there anymore, I won't have anyone, not my sisters who have their own life, not my relatives, not even my friends. But I just can't seem to make her happy, just like I failed to make my father happy;
Why is having an harmonious family like an impossible mission? Why....

English Classic Hits- Triggered Memories

Sometimes I wonder who am I writing all this for? I don't get a response and most of them the post is probably "read" by bots. Then, I realize I don't need an audience, I am mostly writing because I want to, because writing allows me to vent some for my feelings out, as pent up as they can be. Hence, this blog has become a diary to me, a personal outlet where I can be creative, lame, boring, exciting, angry, happy, knowledgeable, irritating, so on and so forth. So, when you are reading most posts here (except those tagged under poetic), I am just being myself, typing out whatever I am feeling at that moment. Sometimes, there is a more true me in my writings rather than the one I present in real life.

Anyway, today I was listening to old English songs (which include Tie a Yellow Ribbon around the Old Oak Tree, In the Ghetto, Daddy Cool, Country Road, Don't Cry Joni) and I was reminded of a journey made in 2002.

December 2002, Mum, my sisters and I boarded the MAS airplane heading to Kaoshiung, Taiwan. We were going there to for holiday with Appa who was working there at that time. The plane we took made a stop transit at Kota Kinabalu, and we were allowed to disembark from the plane for a short while to visit the airport. Now, I remember my second sister who at that time was 14 years old was very besotted with the air steward, so she actually gave the crew of the flight a box of chocolate (of course, she gave it to the person she liked, but claiming it was for all) that was bought in the KK airport where we stopped for transit. I also remember her being angry at the steward/ maybe it was me during final disembarkation because the steward smiled at me. I can't really remember what was my reaction to that, but I'd like to think that I probably goaded at her, like a true sister. We got on visa on arrivals, thank god without any trouble and mostly because we sisters all spoke Mandarin. At the terminal, appa was waiting and we boarded his jeep. Thinking it was rather late we would be heading back to wherever we were staying. But no, we were first brought to be introduced to all my father's colleagues, and bosses. This took place in a tiny shop that sold fresh seafood (out of the tanks). There was like about 10-15 of us, seated on small stools. And speaking the mother tongue of my father's colleague, we practically charmed the pants off most of them. Finally, we were brought to a motel where we were to spend our stay at (this I believe was paid by my dad's boss). Seriously, at that time, exposed to the motels back home where things were crap, I was expecting the worst. When we arrived, I was surprised, for one they had strict security at the entrance of the motel itself. Second, we had our own garage at our unit for parking, from where you take the stairs up to the room. So, my dad and mum, got a smaller room and we 3 sisters got a suit or something like that. Now, this part is probably one of the most amazing part of my stay in Taiwan. The room had a small living room with a futon and a bedroom with a king sized bed where all 3 of us could fit in. But the bathroom was my highlight, it was huge, and beautiful. Most importantly it came equipped with a jet bathtub, a jacuzzi and a steam sauna. Of course also a full body shower, which shoots at every part of your body. Honestly I was wowed and right then and there I vowed that next time I bought a place for my place its gonna be exactly like that. 

The next morning, we were served breakfast in our room, which happened unexpectedly and was rather amusing when we think back about it. I think we were all deep in sleep.(I was sleeping closes to the door, squashed in between me and my second sis, was my third sis) Then, suddenly, we felt someone jumping on us, and the a loud crash, and it was my second sister who panicked with the incessant ringing at 7am and jumped over us and crash landed on the floor. Up to now, I still crack up when I remember this scene we woke up to. Haha.. Anyway, the rest of the stay involved visiting places, meeting my dad'd friends, sitting at a roadside shop and watching people chew away the betel leaves, visiting more places, meeting more friends, making new friends. There are just too many memories for me to be detailing out one by one (otherwise this post would be pages long). Some of my father's friends became our friend who we kept in touch intermittently via facebook. My father's boss' daughters are our friend on Facebook too. 

Well, I missed the point right? The reason the English old songs reminded me of this memory, was because whenever we were in father's jeep during out stay in Taiwan, we were belting out the songs by heart and without music. All of us, my sisters, my dad, my mum and I together in sync, some louder than others, but nevertheless together, singing these songs in an order that we remember from listening to the CDs back home. I think that was a precious memory, our togetherness at that moment. 

I miss them - My sisters (all grown up, all with their own life), my Appa (who has passed away almost 4 years ago), my Amma (who is 10180km away from me).

#thoughts  

#memories

#missinghome 

Thank you

Hey there,

I have not updated anything new about myself recently, have I?

If you are reading this blog ~hahaha,.. I am pretty no one is~, then you must have seen my angry personal blogs and also some very random poetic attempts of mine.

I graduated last year, you know. Getting there was not an easy journey. First, I lost my dad before he even got a chance to know I was gonna do my PhD. Then my supervisor schedules my seminar 3 weeks after he dies. I was so frustrated at that time, couldn't get anything right, broke down at weirdest moment. Went to get superb drunk one night with my friend, ending puking in the toilet later. You know, I almost backed out of doing a phd. Then I thought to myself, what am i gonna do then? How am I gonna support my family, I have a mum and a younger sister who will be depending on me. I had 6 dogs at home that need to be fed. So, I decided to continue, to strive along, not give up and make my parents proud.

These 3 years, I had many travelling opportunities, I met great people, people whom still have place in my heart. I has great company and friends, but somewhere along the line, somewhere in 2014, there was a rift between me and my supervisor. It all started with my thesis, although I had finished writing and given her for correction, she told me that  I need that 2 publication (which mind you, I already had), and don't need to submit my thesis until the paper which was just sent for revision was accepted. I was so angry, because she had no problem with my thesis, everything was done well, i had all the necessities to submit my thesis, but for some reason, she just didn't want me to do so. I should have left then, should have listened to my mum. But no, I was too naive, too stupid, too kind-hearted because later when she begged me to not leave her lab after I completed my thesis, i stayed. And hell broke loose in September 2014. I think I have never felt that abused in my whole life. I have felt as used as I was for the 6 months that i was there. I lost my self confidence, I lost my esteem, I lost all good memories that I had of that place. I was broken, I hit rock bottom, and remained there until the line was crossed, where I was accused to be a lousy teacher. I left. And i think that was one of the best decision I made in my whole life, I would be jobless for the next few months, but I regained myself. I became happier, I was smiling sincerely once more, I lived without fear and humiliation.

But you know, all through this diversity, I had my mum and the memory of my dad, my aunt, my sisters, my brother-in-law, my niece, my 2 good friends who walked every step with me. Some who cried with me, some that made me laugh openly, some who were silently suffering together with me. You know, without them I really really wouldn't have survived these years. I wouldn't be here now.

So despite being late for this year's thanksgiving, I want thank god for all of you who have been the pillar of my life. Thank you all for being here and there, still being here and there for me. Thank you for everything, every memory, every tear, every smile, every gift, every time spent. I love you all

Family

So much to say yet so sometimes it's hard to express in writing.

It's almost a year, 2010 is almost at an end. A year flew by, just like that. At this time last year, I was at Sarawak, crying almost daily, thinking about my future, what lies ahead, how to survive etc etc. Although lots of my best times were in Sarawak, when I was studying, when I worked, it is only now i realize my heart is at peace at home where my family is. I miss all my friends there, but it feels so natural to be at home. Even though, life isn't easy here, I feel glad that I am back home, I don't cry as much as I used to, I can see my loved ones everyday.

One year, I have counted many blessings along the way, faced many hardships, watched many things unfold, seen things I should never see in my life, learnt lessons along. I faced again and again financial problems, never enough to pay this and that off, never enough to spend on myself. I don't really care, as long as I can pay for the loan, water, electricity and provide some food for my family, I am really really thankful. I know how my mother and father worry and feel bad that their daughter is carrying the burden now, I saw tears in my dad's eyes because he could not give us any angpow for Deepavali, where all these years he have given us, no matter little or a lot, I can imagine how he feels, how my mother will always say to me that I cannot do anything I want, because of all that I carry.

But, all that doesn't matter to me, because it is my family, they are my parents, they have done their very best to bring me up to who I am today. And it is my duty, my responsibility to make them happy. Don't feel bad about me, don't think I am not happy because I can't spend anything for myself, because all that matters to me is that my family is happy, your happiness is my happiness.

I also am very thankful that my sister is contributing some to help out with the family, to put food on the table. I am even grateful to my youngest sister, for being a good sister, an understanding sister, who never ask for anything, always trying to not put any burden on us, pushing away all the trips her school organize, because she knows we have no money to spend.

Now, you tell me, how do I not feel thankful and grateful when I have a family like this. Things never go right, but all I care, really care is that I have my family with me.