The look

You know how sometimes when you say like you like this singer or that actor or that band, people will give you "the look". The condescending look like how could you like this person/ thing/ song. Yeah, I am sure most have received that look. In fact I am sure that I myself have previously given the look to others. And when you receive that look, you'd be like (i) defending your fav or (ii) feeling embarrassed for not "keeping up to trend". I, unfortunately, fall in the second category. I get highly embarrassed and will never mention that ever again. Although that doesn't mean that I have stopped loving whatever is it I am loving. Over the years, I have kept a lot of my favorite artist/actor/idol locked up tight in my heart, not sharing with anyone except close friends ~but sometimes even the close friends are capable of hurting your likes and dislikes~ Now, I still keep them close in my heart, but it is not because I am embarrassed, its more like I couldn't be bothered to share with you if you continue to diss them, and it is not worth the heartache. We all have our reasons for liking (or disliking) someone or something, and if you are not agreeable, just respect the other peoples' choice!

So, to conclude let me share with you actor/singers/idols/band that I have loved throughout my life (and mind you, some of them I still love)

1. Tommy, my first love, from the Power Rangers (I know this is just a character, but still people look at me like, how old are you? you watched Power Rangers? etc. I love watching Tommy, and the other rangers as well, now and then I still watch old series on youtube)
2. Aragorn, my second love, from Lord of the Rings (Yeah, yeah, no one ever judges me for loving him or the Lord of the Rings. The movie is that awesome)
3. Gong Yoo, after coffee prince, it was not only the character, but the his acting skills in that drama, that made me fall for him, of course he is not perfect, some of his drama aren't that great, but he can act
4. Kamenashi Kazuya, from KAT-TUN. Honestly, I don't think I have ever liked anyone this much. I first saw him in a drama, his acting, his micro-emotions just had me done. From there, I grew to love KATTUN too. Now I love everyone from KATTUN. (Here is where I get the terrible look, its just another idol band, who can't sing, whose members can't act, and the list goes on. You know, no, you actually don't know, but its okay for you to not know, as long as you aren't coming to face, and insulting me and my taste.)\

Hahaha.. So that's all for today. Tune in sometime soon. Au revoir

Thank you

Hey there,

I have not updated anything new about myself recently, have I?

If you are reading this blog ~hahaha,.. I am pretty no one is~, then you must have seen my angry personal blogs and also some very random poetic attempts of mine.

I graduated last year, you know. Getting there was not an easy journey. First, I lost my dad before he even got a chance to know I was gonna do my PhD. Then my supervisor schedules my seminar 3 weeks after he dies. I was so frustrated at that time, couldn't get anything right, broke down at weirdest moment. Went to get superb drunk one night with my friend, ending puking in the toilet later. You know, I almost backed out of doing a phd. Then I thought to myself, what am i gonna do then? How am I gonna support my family, I have a mum and a younger sister who will be depending on me. I had 6 dogs at home that need to be fed. So, I decided to continue, to strive along, not give up and make my parents proud.

These 3 years, I had many travelling opportunities, I met great people, people whom still have place in my heart. I has great company and friends, but somewhere along the line, somewhere in 2014, there was a rift between me and my supervisor. It all started with my thesis, although I had finished writing and given her for correction, she told me that  I need that 2 publication (which mind you, I already had), and don't need to submit my thesis until the paper which was just sent for revision was accepted. I was so angry, because she had no problem with my thesis, everything was done well, i had all the necessities to submit my thesis, but for some reason, she just didn't want me to do so. I should have left then, should have listened to my mum. But no, I was too naive, too stupid, too kind-hearted because later when she begged me to not leave her lab after I completed my thesis, i stayed. And hell broke loose in September 2014. I think I have never felt that abused in my whole life. I have felt as used as I was for the 6 months that i was there. I lost my self confidence, I lost my esteem, I lost all good memories that I had of that place. I was broken, I hit rock bottom, and remained there until the line was crossed, where I was accused to be a lousy teacher. I left. And i think that was one of the best decision I made in my whole life, I would be jobless for the next few months, but I regained myself. I became happier, I was smiling sincerely once more, I lived without fear and humiliation.

But you know, all through this diversity, I had my mum and the memory of my dad, my aunt, my sisters, my brother-in-law, my niece, my 2 good friends who walked every step with me. Some who cried with me, some that made me laugh openly, some who were silently suffering together with me. You know, without them I really really wouldn't have survived these years. I wouldn't be here now.

So despite being late for this year's thanksgiving, I want thank god for all of you who have been the pillar of my life. Thank you all for being here and there, still being here and there for me. Thank you for everything, every memory, every tear, every smile, every gift, every time spent. I love you all

I suddenly have this urge to talk about the guys I have had fallen for.

My 1st one, is a guy from school. About my height, not muscular (almost towards being thin), small but charming eyes, and a smile that could lift my world. We were good friends. We hung out quite a bit. But by the time i realized i liked him, he already had a girlfriend. But that never stopped us in being friends. Not many realized i liked him, except for a few close friends. And they were not very happy with my choice. said i had absolutely bad taste in men. But he was my first, I did not listen. When he broke up with his girl, I stood by him. I watched his tears, his anger, I consoled, and was a shoulder for him to cry. It pained me to see him cry. Months later, I finally found the courage to tell him that I like him. He rejected me but in a nice way (I think). It did not really hurt me much, I was just glad we still could be friends, even if I had to forget about him. when we left school and parted, we still wrote to each other (absence of hp and my particular interest in writing letters). We talked bout stuff and so on. he always gave me advice. But, slowly letters stopped coming in, i guess that was bcoz we both were busy with our own life. Then, one day, I met him (and his friends) at a bus. He pretended to not know me, he did that, he just ignored me. Not a word, nothing at all. I was so disappointed. Extremely disappointed, not to mention the fact that we rode the same bus. I was crying all the way back home, I cried and cried, and cried. I just couldn't believe he did that. He could not love me back,I understand, but I couldn't accept that he ignored a close friend. He tore my heart. It took me months to recover, to forget and even longer to forgive. My heart never became the same again after that.

My 2nd was during my Uni years. This guy is slightly taller than me, looks more muscular, wears specs, walks straight with an air of arrogance. I was first attracted to his voice. To the way he dared to ask what was on his mind without fearing that people might hate him. He's always alone, walks alone, eats alone. I like him from the very beginning. But his arrogance, really left a distaste in my mouth. I talked about him in Chinese, not realizing that he knows Chinese. Too late, but he din say anything. He probably din realize i existed. Then our first group assignment together, the first sentence he asked me was, why i did i speak such bad BM. I was surprised and covered myself with a joke. But i did not hate him, I was awed by his frankness, even though it hurt. All it did was to allow my admiration for him to grow. yet I was never in his eyes. I did not know anything about him as well. For 3 years I liked him secretly. Watching him, listening to him, feeling his pain when he told me he was dumped, watching him pretend to be happy, trying to understand him. But nothing was done face to face, all was through msges. We never talked when in public unless the occasion permitted it. I always wondered why was it like that.

Maybe you were wondering did ever tell him I loved him? Yeah, I did after 4 years i told him. Of course, only to be rejected again. "Definitely not your fault", he said, just like the first guy, "definitely nothing to do with u". Hmmmm, I was hurt by the first guy i liked, maybe if i did not have that much fear in me, perhaps i would have gotten the second one? Or maybe (like i prefer to believe) these were all not meant to be. I will meet someone who will truly love and take care of me. And if I don't, it's ok because I've loved and am being loved right now by all those around me. I am thankful for their presence and unending love for me. :)