I don't know

I used to eat like a hungry wolf. But these days when I eat out I realized that I am almost the last to finish. I enjoy the food I eat, but these days every meal I eat weighs heavily on my shoulders. Each mouthful of food I take, I think how selfish I am, if only I curb my food intake, the money can be used for medicines, bills, provisions and food for home. Yet, each time I still spend some money to eat out, blame it on my lack of will power, lack of discipline, my thorough selfishness for putting myself first before thinking of my family.

Lame, I call myself, giving myself excuses, it is pretty obvious that I need a part time job, an extra income, yet I don't do anything about it. Some people may think: what la this girl, don just complaint, do something about, get a part time job, go earn that extra bit of money. do you wanna listen to my excuses? Apparently, I hate sales (so any sales job is out of the question) and I don't like to give tuition (I don't like to teach for money). Lame lame lame excuses, right? But I don't know how long I can last? I am very tired these days, and I don't think my health is very good either. How am I supposed to stand after work, and on weekends? Will I be able to, if I put my mind to it? Can I really do something I don't like for the sake of my family, knowing how detrimental it will be to my health? I don't know I really don't know.

It is all worse, because sometimes (most of the time) I have to hide all this from public eyes, from my family and my friends. I have to hide my tears, be strong like everyone expects me to be. I am not strong, I often need a shoulder to cry on, but as always I end up writing something stupid like this, sitting in front of the PC and and crying my eyes out. It's too heavy, this burden is too heavy, how much longer can I take before I collapse altogether. Yet, it is my burden, my responsibility to carry, my only thing that still roots me to this life, because in the end I only have my family, and their happiness is my happiness. They are suffering under my incapable hands, their suffering make it the worst, because I keep feeling like I am never doing good enough, never trying hard enough. They never feel that way, I know, but still I cannot bear to see them so unhappy, yet trying to hide it from me, trying to protect me, trying to show that I have done my best.

Am I doing all this wrong? Is everything I do wrong? I don know i really don know

How I wish I had someone to cry to, instead of my pillow and the laptop screen........

In the end, I still don't know.....