Mother's Day

My dear Mother,

Today's Mother's Day,and yet once again I don't have anything to give this lady, my mum.

Chandra Davee is her name. The name of the woman who brought me and my sisters up. The amount of sacrifice she has given for the sake of her family, for us, only we know, only God knows. We have been naughty, lazy, rebellious, inattentive, uncaring, sometimes so rude, it would have torn her heart into a million pieces each time we said or did somethings. Yet, this lady stood by us, and is still standing by us, no matter how good or how bad we have been. Only a lady like her, can endure everything life has set for her, the pain, the hurt, and the good and happy times.

From my memories, (i have a short term memory) I remember her coming to school every afternoon to feed me (because I was a vegetarian, and there was no food available in the canteen), she would check my homework, help me out with my homework, teach me this and that, she would meet my school teachers regularly for an update on my progress (although at that time I hated that), she would check my schoolbag/drawer for rubbish (as usual, I will always kena hemtam), she would carry thameesha in one hand, mayuri's bag in another, tagging me along to catch the bus from sentul to chow kit, form chow kit to klang bus stand, from klang bus stand to brickfields, so that we can go for dance classes. When we finally got a van, at the age of 39, she went and took up driving lessons, so she will be able to drive us to school,classes etc. Until now, she does all of the housework, she makes sure there is food for us, she takes care of her husband, as well as her kids. She pays bills, drives around for endless chores, she .......

She cries very often now, worried about many things, too many things that make her sad.

I feel like a useless daughter to you, amma. I cannot even make you happy for a day. I am unable to bring peace nor happiness to you. I am really sorry I cannot do anything for you now.

But you must know, one day, when I am successful, when my time has come, I will never forget what you have done for us. I will try to repay as much as I can, although no matter how much I pay, it will never be enough to repay all the love and sacrifice you have given us.

Amma, I am sorry for all the wrongs I have done and am still doing. I love you, no we love you. I can give assurance, that we all love you and appa so much that even if next life we were born, I will still want to be your daughter. You are the bestest mother in the world. Happy Mother's Day!!! :)

Death

Once again, I am not feeling too well. Physically I am fine, it's my heart that isn't feeling too well.

Too many things going on. What is my focus now? Where I am standing now?

Can I talk about death? (I know, an abrupt change of topic). Or maybe I've been thinking about death all these time?

Hmmm... I've always said I am not afraid of death, until recently I realized that actually I am terrified of death. I am not scared about dying, it's more like I am scared of people around me dying.

I, for one, cannot handle death of anybody, be it stranger, a friend or a family. I never go to funerals, I avoid them like plague (the last funeral I've been was my grandfather in 1995). I was still a child then, but very much more braver than I am now. I can't bear to see my loved ones on a deathbed, even the thought of them dying, just makes me feel like crying.

But, everyone has to go one right? But I want to the first to go, I don't want to see my dad/mum/uncle/sisters/relatives/friends go before me, especially those close to me. I feel like I would naturally follow them to wherever they are, I feel like I might go into depression and never come out again, or I might go insane.

I am not one who shows much affection, or emotion, the only thing I do, is try to be happy, how do I deal with death? But in my heart, I cry, I laugh, I love, I care, and when I am going to lose someone I love very much, I don't think I'll be able to take it anymore, I might just succumb to whatever that is in store for me, I'm not as strong/ cold-hearted as a lot people see me, I am just another weak one, weak when it comes to losing the ones I love.

So, Dear God, please listen to my prayers, I am praying real hard. Please let my parents, my sisters, my uncles and aunties, my friends live a long happy life. Keep them strong and healthy. Keep them always happy. Please God, please do this for me. Please let them all live longer than I will.

I suddenly have this urge to talk about the guys I have had fallen for.

My 1st one, is a guy from school. About my height, not muscular (almost towards being thin), small but charming eyes, and a smile that could lift my world. We were good friends. We hung out quite a bit. But by the time i realized i liked him, he already had a girlfriend. But that never stopped us in being friends. Not many realized i liked him, except for a few close friends. And they were not very happy with my choice. said i had absolutely bad taste in men. But he was my first, I did not listen. When he broke up with his girl, I stood by him. I watched his tears, his anger, I consoled, and was a shoulder for him to cry. It pained me to see him cry. Months later, I finally found the courage to tell him that I like him. He rejected me but in a nice way (I think). It did not really hurt me much, I was just glad we still could be friends, even if I had to forget about him. when we left school and parted, we still wrote to each other (absence of hp and my particular interest in writing letters). We talked bout stuff and so on. he always gave me advice. But, slowly letters stopped coming in, i guess that was bcoz we both were busy with our own life. Then, one day, I met him (and his friends) at a bus. He pretended to not know me, he did that, he just ignored me. Not a word, nothing at all. I was so disappointed. Extremely disappointed, not to mention the fact that we rode the same bus. I was crying all the way back home, I cried and cried, and cried. I just couldn't believe he did that. He could not love me back,I understand, but I couldn't accept that he ignored a close friend. He tore my heart. It took me months to recover, to forget and even longer to forgive. My heart never became the same again after that.

My 2nd was during my Uni years. This guy is slightly taller than me, looks more muscular, wears specs, walks straight with an air of arrogance. I was first attracted to his voice. To the way he dared to ask what was on his mind without fearing that people might hate him. He's always alone, walks alone, eats alone. I like him from the very beginning. But his arrogance, really left a distaste in my mouth. I talked about him in Chinese, not realizing that he knows Chinese. Too late, but he din say anything. He probably din realize i existed. Then our first group assignment together, the first sentence he asked me was, why i did i speak such bad BM. I was surprised and covered myself with a joke. But i did not hate him, I was awed by his frankness, even though it hurt. All it did was to allow my admiration for him to grow. yet I was never in his eyes. I did not know anything about him as well. For 3 years I liked him secretly. Watching him, listening to him, feeling his pain when he told me he was dumped, watching him pretend to be happy, trying to understand him. But nothing was done face to face, all was through msges. We never talked when in public unless the occasion permitted it. I always wondered why was it like that.

Maybe you were wondering did ever tell him I loved him? Yeah, I did after 4 years i told him. Of course, only to be rejected again. "Definitely not your fault", he said, just like the first guy, "definitely nothing to do with u". Hmmmm, I was hurt by the first guy i liked, maybe if i did not have that much fear in me, perhaps i would have gotten the second one? Or maybe (like i prefer to believe) these were all not meant to be. I will meet someone who will truly love and take care of me. And if I don't, it's ok because I've loved and am being loved right now by all those around me. I am thankful for their presence and unending love for me. :)

Depression?

I think I have lots of pent up anger in me. Most of my anger is just towards myself, I am angry with myself for many reasons. Some I know, I should not be angry with myself, yet I can't help but be angry with myself.

I don't know what I am doing with my life. How long more will stay just as undecided as I am now. I cannot make up my mine, I cannot decide on what to do now. I know I have to work, yet my heart just doesn't want to settle for a work, just any work. Naturally, my greatest desire is to study once more. The job I am doing now (research assistant) is the best that I know of that will give me some money yet allow me to learn new things. But the pay is just not enough to support my family. This brings my heart and brains into a conflict, staying always undecided, don't know which way to take. One is rooting for more money (less freedom) and another more education and flexibility. Yet, I just can't decide.

For me, this seems the best just yet. However, I am angry because it is all I can do. I feel a great sense of disappointment with myself. As the eldest in my family, I am practically not contributing anything at all. I am 26years old and yet I can't give the best to my family, I can't relief them of their worries, i don't seem to be able to do anything. The disappointment I feel,slowly turned into anger, and now is quietly pent up in me. I am afraid of what might become, when this anger erupts, how many people am I going to hurt and at the same time, how much am i going to hurt myself.

I don't feel right at all. It is like I am waiting for something to happen. But what will happen, if I just continue sitting here, doing nothing useful. I am like a zombie, moving here and there, trying hard to live, but emotionless except for my budding anger, which is doing me nothing good.

God help me. Please send me your angel to guide me. Or please show me some sign that I am doing this right. God, dear God, I have faith in you, please help me put some faith in myself, so I'll believe myself, believe that I can make it work. I have to make it work, I have to proof that I am no useless person, not a useless daughter, sister, friend and human! Please shed some light......

missing

My sister's wedding was on the 22nd of March. It was a beautiful wedding. Mayuri look absolutely gorgeous that day. Sushant looked very handsome too. Should I put up some pictures as well? But then, why waste my time when I am talking to space, it's not like space will understand or see the pics.

Sometimes I feel so tired and pent up, I have no friends to talk to here, i left everyone I trust (of course, I trust my family, but it impossible to tell them everything, sometimes we don't even share the same wavelength) in Sarawak. Most of my friends here, I have not met them for so long, I feel so disconnected with them, i don't think it will be easy to talk to them.

Talking seems like a very good remedy for lonely souls, I miss talking,i miss laughing, joking, walking together, eating together, watching movies together, working together, fighting with each other, going for aerobics, dancing, clubbing, driving out for fun, once in awhile dinner, shopping for cheap pretty clothes. I miss many things, little things that made me feel alive, and made all my troubles seem far away.