Once again, I am not feeling too well. Physically I am fine, it's my heart that isn't feeling too well.
Too many things going on. What is my focus now? Where I am standing now?
Can I talk about death? (I know, an abrupt change of topic). Or maybe I've been thinking about death all these time?
Hmmm... I've always said I am not afraid of death, until recently I realized that actually I am terrified of death. I am not scared about dying, it's more like I am scared of people around me dying.
I, for one, cannot handle death of anybody, be it stranger, a friend or a family. I never go to funerals, I avoid them like plague (the last funeral I've been was my grandfather in 1995). I was still a child then, but very much more braver than I am now. I can't bear to see my loved ones on a deathbed, even the thought of them dying, just makes me feel like crying.
But, everyone has to go one right? But I want to the first to go, I don't want to see my dad/mum/uncle/sisters/relatives/friends go before me, especially those close to me. I feel like I would naturally follow them to wherever they are, I feel like I might go into depression and never come out again, or I might go insane.
I am not one who shows much affection, or emotion, the only thing I do, is try to be happy, how do I deal with death? But in my heart, I cry, I laugh, I love, I care, and when I am going to lose someone I love very much, I don't think I'll be able to take it anymore, I might just succumb to whatever that is in store for me, I'm not as strong/ cold-hearted as a lot people see me, I am just another weak one, weak when it comes to losing the ones I love.
So, Dear God, please listen to my prayers, I am praying real hard. Please let my parents, my sisters, my uncles and aunties, my friends live a long happy life. Keep them strong and healthy. Keep them always happy. Please God, please do this for me. Please let them all live longer than I will.
Teehee~ Bump in to your blog. There were times that I thought the same too, but after that I thought, will I be too selfish to choose to go first and let them bear the pain that I am too fearful to bear?
ReplyDeleteHello my dearest,
ReplyDeletei wont say that this feeling that you are experiencing is wrong or right. Because i dont really know what is right and wat is wrong. I myself cant bear the fact that death will leave us with the cold and take away every warmth we have in life. But, there is one thing i would want to extend to you, I ask that of God, to grant you peace. Peace in everything, calmness and strength to surpass any obstacles He has given you. As for God knows that he will not test you more than you can bear and handle dear. I ask that of God to grant you a lifetime of understanding that Death is a part of this very precious life that God has given us and be certain that once any one of His creation is called back to Him, they will be in good hands my dear. good hands. Am feeling the same way as i see my mom day by day weakened by this worldly human life's importance. I feel that there is so much i havent repay her for and yet, she is getting weaker and tired-er by the moment. I feel this pain of mine is unbearable for me, yet the only prayer i have left is to pray for peace and with that peace that i have i want to wake up every morning, wanting to make sure that she (or everyone around me) has a smile on her face, at least to know that she has the strength to smile for me till her very end too or till my very end.
Loads of love from me to you my dearest. always.