pampered princess

Occasionally, it is nice to be pampered. To have someone look after you, and treat you like a princess.

Being me, i find it hard to trust people easily, so when one treats me extraordinarily nice, i'll begun to wonder what are their motives (this applies to people I am not that close with). But with people I am close with (i have at least 90% faith and trust in them), it feels nice to be acknowledged, to be a a circle, to sometimes just listen to each other bicker and argue, to then make up by buying each other food, or having dinner together, it's nice when you are treated like 'princess" and sometimes like the "greatest enemy". But being me, I just can't accept all these for a long term, although it feels very nice. Why? Because I don't like getting used to things like this, it becomes a habit, a die hard habit, I'll then start to rely on people, I'll become dependent, I'll forget what it's like to be alone and lonely. And finally when these (close) people leave me, I'll be so heartbroken, that I won't know how to manage at all... So, sometimes people wonder why I am behaving in manner that can be compared to an Ass, this is precisely why... and don't bother telling me that you won't leave me one day, because everyone leaves one day.

It may be very nice to fell protected, and treated like a princess, I'll still need to preserve my shell.

Hinduism and me

today i am writing about my religion.

I am a Hindu.

But before i go in detail, let me say that i am by no means an expert/learned in any religion even my own. Everything written here, is just my opinion and the way I look at things,.

Just like every other religion in the world, Hinduism has also its own branches. Every sector has its own beliefs etc... You have people praying to Krishna (Hare Krishna movement), Shiva (Saivaites), Kali (goddesses), and so many other Gods in the Hindu scriptures.

Someone was telling me a story. It goes like this, there were three men, these men were arguing to which God of theirs were more powerful. The first man, prays to Kali, Muruga, and a few others, the second man prays Vishnu, Ganesha etc and the last pray to Shiva. To prove the powers of their Gods, they decided to have cliff jumping competition, to see which God is more powerful. the first and second man, before jumping called out to all their favorite deities and jumped, both died. The reason being because the one god expected the other to save the men, so in the end none went. While the third man, praying to Shiva the almighty, jumped and Shiva came to save the man. the person telling the story said the moral of the story is Shiva is the One and Only god.

This story I have heard previously from another person but in an extremely uncomfortable situation where someone's life was truly in dire need. At that time I was angry, felt everything the guy said was BS. Now I think back and this is what prompts me to write this blog.

So the moral is Shiva is the Almighty or is it you can only believe in one God because there is ONLY one God, no matter what you want to call HIM/HER??? I am not too sure....

From young i was taught (by my parents/self taught) that there is only one GOD, in all religions, may it be Hindu, Christianity or Islam. Only thing different is the name we call our God. in Hinduism (at least the one I practice), the other deities are angels (that exist in other religions as well). So when I hear something like this, it always makes me ponder and wonder.

What if the people who believed that many gods equals to much more united force in saving/protecting them? They would not have expected the Gods to be like human, and not extend their hands, just because they called another god's name, just to spite them or because the gods have miscommunication, and behaves like a human, in delaying things! What about people who truly believed that there is only one God, but still prays to all other deities thinking of them as angels, would God ditch them as well? What if I believe there is only one God and I call Him/Her in another name, won't He/She come save me?

I know I am questioning my religion. But no, I truly believe in the existence of God, He resides in my heart, there is only one God for me, he has seen me through many many things in life and has set me up many may more hurdles in life. But I know there is GOD.

This kind of stories always leave me flustered, making me wish there was clear teaching in Hinduism without further sectoring of the religion. I want to learn to truth, but what is the truth? people are so known of changing truth to fit what they like, after so many many millennium, how do I know what is taught is the pure form of Hinduism? Or any other religion by way? Now I go reading some more... bits from here and there...

But I truly have no doubt there is a God and He is one and all.

Hard to be me

It's so hard to be me.

I am very conflicting,

i find myself conflicting

more than often confused and confusing

I laugh at one minute

and go depressed in the other

mood's like today's weather

unpredictable and

quite often deadly

I turn here and run there

I say no but my heart is yelling yes

I want to go but

I can just be silly and refuse

just because I can

I don understand myself

you ask me

what's wrong

I say oh oh, everything's perfectly perfect

but my face looks like poop

Everyone says eat less

cause I keep getting fatter

even if I don't eat as much as they do

I left a lot of bad eating habits behind

Do you want to me to finally not eat

and live or thin air

okay, then you eat moderately

do more exercise,

Well, thats where I am at fault

I don exercise well

I can walk bit I can't jog nor run

I can swim but in no gym

I love dancing, but i so miss my dancing partner

I pretend too much

or so i think,

if not i wouldn't have a face like poop

nor would I be running away from friends

I guess I forgotten how to pretend

Or maybe I have grown too attached

and my brain is ordering me

to detach

just like how they put some trypsin

it's feel like time to distance

to avoid

to make sure I never get hurt

to shelter my heart from possible heartache

you see,

even I can't comprehend myself

what more if you think you can

stop deluding yourself

you don't know me and

will never understand me

and I don blame you

Cause I fail to do so myself

"Ignorance"

I realized that people never liked to confront issues as they are, when they can. Everyone just closes their eyes and make as if the issue did not happen. Probably because ignorance is a bliss??

No one talks or tries to solve things amicably... Everything is shoved inside a closet, and when the closet gets a little too full, you can definitely expect a volcanic eruption. I hate seeing this happen, and always wonder will I also one day become like this. Become someone who never addresses the issue when I can, so that I will have peaceful nights of sleep??? I try to solve issues, but what if my partner refuses to participate, won't I be clapping single handedly? Perhaps it is better to just be blissfully "ignorant"??? HA HA ... I guess I will never know

Bleak and dark

This situation is pretty bleak...what i see in front of me is pretty bleak and dark, with streaks of sliver linings here there, but will the sun come out in the near future? Or is it gonna get darker and darker???

Today I borrowed money again, from mum for transportation. When I was 25years and below, I never owed anyone money, when I become 26, I started to owe people money. YP, people from Jane’s lab, Mira, Vaani , YQ and those uncountable people who have lent my family money without any problems. I hate owing people money, I hate that I have to borrow to pay this and that, I hate it that I have to pay my tuition fees by borrowing people’s money, It keeps adding up, again and again, when can I pay back them all back. I don’t want to be a person in debt. that I am really sorry to all the people I have borrowed from, I am really sorry that I can’t pay back now, but I will keep a record and I will pay back when its time. Most of all, I am really sorry to my parents, sorry that I can’t even support you all at the age of 27 years old. Can’t put food on the table, can’t make u all rest at the age u all are supposed to rest, have to make my sick father work, and my poor mother so worried. So sorry because I can’t pay for my sister’s tuition, can’t buy her books, can’t give her money to go out. Sorry cause I can’t help my other sister study, when she wants to study.

I hate that I have to lie to stop spending whatever i have in my pocket for food, although my stomach is so hungry and i could die of hunger, so that i have enough money for transportation. I hate having to stand outside the shop and think, what is the cheapest food that I can have and keep me going for the rest of the day. I hate saying that I am on a diet, when it's really because I have no money to eat at all and watch everyone else devour their food. I hate that I can't tell all this to anyone without them feeling sympathy for me and trying to help, by buying me food or lending me money, I hate this because I don want your money or your sympathy but to understand my situation and not bring me anywhere anymore, because I really can't afford it. As much as you are trying to help me, all I end up is being more in debt, which I will not know how to dig myself out one day, as much as I can understand all you meant was to help me....

Really, all I see again is myself is that dark area, with really so few silver linings... I worry I might not be able to search my way out ever again.