Bleak and dark

This situation is pretty bleak...what i see in front of me is pretty bleak and dark, with streaks of sliver linings here there, but will the sun come out in the near future? Or is it gonna get darker and darker???

Today I borrowed money again, from mum for transportation. When I was 25years and below, I never owed anyone money, when I become 26, I started to owe people money. YP, people from Jane’s lab, Mira, Vaani , YQ and those uncountable people who have lent my family money without any problems. I hate owing people money, I hate that I have to borrow to pay this and that, I hate it that I have to pay my tuition fees by borrowing people’s money, It keeps adding up, again and again, when can I pay back them all back. I don’t want to be a person in debt. that I am really sorry to all the people I have borrowed from, I am really sorry that I can’t pay back now, but I will keep a record and I will pay back when its time. Most of all, I am really sorry to my parents, sorry that I can’t even support you all at the age of 27 years old. Can’t put food on the table, can’t make u all rest at the age u all are supposed to rest, have to make my sick father work, and my poor mother so worried. So sorry because I can’t pay for my sister’s tuition, can’t buy her books, can’t give her money to go out. Sorry cause I can’t help my other sister study, when she wants to study.

I hate that I have to lie to stop spending whatever i have in my pocket for food, although my stomach is so hungry and i could die of hunger, so that i have enough money for transportation. I hate having to stand outside the shop and think, what is the cheapest food that I can have and keep me going for the rest of the day. I hate saying that I am on a diet, when it's really because I have no money to eat at all and watch everyone else devour their food. I hate that I can't tell all this to anyone without them feeling sympathy for me and trying to help, by buying me food or lending me money, I hate this because I don want your money or your sympathy but to understand my situation and not bring me anywhere anymore, because I really can't afford it. As much as you are trying to help me, all I end up is being more in debt, which I will not know how to dig myself out one day, as much as I can understand all you meant was to help me....

Really, all I see again is myself is that dark area, with really so few silver linings... I worry I might not be able to search my way out ever again.

很烦啊。

Can't you try to understand? Yes, maybe it's my fault, maybe I am not working hard enuf but I am trying my best. Why do you make me feel this way? Why? We are all in this together, just as long as we are together, all of us together, isn't that enough? Yes, money is tight. We cannot do the best in this situation, but we have a roof to live under, electric and water to use. We cannot eat the best of food but we still have food. Most importantly, we have each other, we are living together, we are going through this together, why would you want to make a situation already desperate even worse? Please try to understand, I know how important money is. I know we have to pay for this and that and medicine and chemo and bags and what not. I believe we will manage. We WILL manage, don't worry I will settle all our debts before I leave this world. Please just try to understand that I know how GRIM the situation is, but I am just trying to be THANKFUL for what we have and HAPPY that everyone is still living and together.

I pray and pray, sometimes I want to ignore my prayers but I know how much GRACE God has given us, how much He has helped us, how much more HE Will help us. It is just another passing stage, a stage where lessons and karma are to be paid back. We will pay back and not succumb into failure. We have to come out stronger ever than before.