Stupid LOVE

This is something I put up on my old blog a few years ago, and today I am feeling the same thing again. I care not to write it again, but when I look through what I wrote, they still hold the same, nothing has changed. Here it goes (yellow) is my previous blog and (red) is my how I feel now, this very minute!

Hmmm.. I am have been thinking, and thinking and pondering real hard (no more thinking too hard, it's there, in front of my eyes, in front of everyone's eyes, no point thinking already)

But still I haven’ found an answer to my question! yeah

When 2 people love each other very much, do they have to hurt each other that very much as well?

I can’t take it to see people who claim to love each other fight like dogs, argue, uncompromising, uncapable of understanding each other, not speaking the mind out, not willing to hear each other out, always hurting each other by the words they say to each other. I can’t take it, i really really cannot take, it pains me terribly moreover if it involves people I love dearly… When they fight, when one hurts the other, when they are trying their best to see who can kill each other with their poisonous words, do they ever stop to think about those around them, or even themselves and how if this person is no more in their life (even if they still are, how would they feel, how much hurt they have to bear through, how much efforts been made, how those witnessing them would feel, how this would end with broken hearts and broken souls?). Have they ever thought, I am angry, yes I am very angry, but why am I letting out my anger on someone i love dearly, someone their very life is interconnected to, someone their very soul is depended on… People can take hurtful to certain amount only, then they will retaliate or worse they will leave, either leaving them or leaving the world once and forever… Why do people take their loved ones for granted? Are they that dispensable? Are they your punching bag? But these are people you love, people you know would support you any time any place (is that the very fact, you are abusing them this way? because you know they will never leave you??)!!!!

When i ask these people, why do you even hurt each other, why do you do this to each other? Why do they fight an quarrel? Why don’t you love the other person anymor?

And the answer is always: “This is life,!!”. “Life is like this” (nowadays its worse, because they themselves don't know why they are in this kind of relationship, the one that breaks your soul)

No, if life is really like this, then I don’t want this type of life.. I don’t want to love anybody, I don’t want to be close to anybody, I don’t want to fight with anyone, I do not want to one day hurt someone I love or be hurt by someone l love. I do not want this type of life.. This is not life, I don’t know what this is, but if this really is LIFE, then forget life, take me somewhere where there is no LIFE. Take me to where the grass is green and the sky is blue, there is ample of clean water, and animals roaming freely according to their food ladder, take me to where there is love and only love. (no, i rephrase, take me to where there is happiness and peace, because LOVE only exists in fairy tales, books, and dramas)

I don’t want this type of LIFE!!! Yes, I don't want this kind of life.

Family

So much to say yet so sometimes it's hard to express in writing.

It's almost a year, 2010 is almost at an end. A year flew by, just like that. At this time last year, I was at Sarawak, crying almost daily, thinking about my future, what lies ahead, how to survive etc etc. Although lots of my best times were in Sarawak, when I was studying, when I worked, it is only now i realize my heart is at peace at home where my family is. I miss all my friends there, but it feels so natural to be at home. Even though, life isn't easy here, I feel glad that I am back home, I don't cry as much as I used to, I can see my loved ones everyday.

One year, I have counted many blessings along the way, faced many hardships, watched many things unfold, seen things I should never see in my life, learnt lessons along. I faced again and again financial problems, never enough to pay this and that off, never enough to spend on myself. I don't really care, as long as I can pay for the loan, water, electricity and provide some food for my family, I am really really thankful. I know how my mother and father worry and feel bad that their daughter is carrying the burden now, I saw tears in my dad's eyes because he could not give us any angpow for Deepavali, where all these years he have given us, no matter little or a lot, I can imagine how he feels, how my mother will always say to me that I cannot do anything I want, because of all that I carry.

But, all that doesn't matter to me, because it is my family, they are my parents, they have done their very best to bring me up to who I am today. And it is my duty, my responsibility to make them happy. Don't feel bad about me, don't think I am not happy because I can't spend anything for myself, because all that matters to me is that my family is happy, your happiness is my happiness.

I also am very thankful that my sister is contributing some to help out with the family, to put food on the table. I am even grateful to my youngest sister, for being a good sister, an understanding sister, who never ask for anything, always trying to not put any burden on us, pushing away all the trips her school organize, because she knows we have no money to spend.

Now, you tell me, how do I not feel thankful and grateful when I have a family like this. Things never go right, but all I care, really care is that I have my family with me.

Stupid depressing mood

Feeling down, feeling down..

why is this feeling back?

This feeling, a yearning, a desire, a want (not necessarily a need)

It comes not very often, once in a blue moon, this feeling I have, this desire I have.

This absurd feeling comes as little as it can, but makes me feel like I've drowned/suffocated a million times.

yet as depressing as it gets, it just disappears over night.

Just like that, i am back to me, the old self me

gone are those feelings, desires, wants...

But they still linger, gnawing my heart, tearing my soul, eating my mind...

I just want to be loved

Your Sol

thankful

But it's not so true, is it?

Life is beautiful, isn't it?

No matter how hard it becomes, we just have to remember to look at what is good, what we still have.

Good: by my definition, is having my family around me, having some friends that stand by me, having a roof under me and my family, having food (even if it is less than before, cheaper than before) on my family's table, having a job that feeds.

I want to thank everyone that have stood/are not waveringly standing by me, I am alive because of you.

Life is beautiful, isn't it?

Ain't it all so true?

I don't know

I used to eat like a hungry wolf. But these days when I eat out I realized that I am almost the last to finish. I enjoy the food I eat, but these days every meal I eat weighs heavily on my shoulders. Each mouthful of food I take, I think how selfish I am, if only I curb my food intake, the money can be used for medicines, bills, provisions and food for home. Yet, each time I still spend some money to eat out, blame it on my lack of will power, lack of discipline, my thorough selfishness for putting myself first before thinking of my family.

Lame, I call myself, giving myself excuses, it is pretty obvious that I need a part time job, an extra income, yet I don't do anything about it. Some people may think: what la this girl, don just complaint, do something about, get a part time job, go earn that extra bit of money. do you wanna listen to my excuses? Apparently, I hate sales (so any sales job is out of the question) and I don't like to give tuition (I don't like to teach for money). Lame lame lame excuses, right? But I don't know how long I can last? I am very tired these days, and I don't think my health is very good either. How am I supposed to stand after work, and on weekends? Will I be able to, if I put my mind to it? Can I really do something I don't like for the sake of my family, knowing how detrimental it will be to my health? I don't know I really don't know.

It is all worse, because sometimes (most of the time) I have to hide all this from public eyes, from my family and my friends. I have to hide my tears, be strong like everyone expects me to be. I am not strong, I often need a shoulder to cry on, but as always I end up writing something stupid like this, sitting in front of the PC and and crying my eyes out. It's too heavy, this burden is too heavy, how much longer can I take before I collapse altogether. Yet, it is my burden, my responsibility to carry, my only thing that still roots me to this life, because in the end I only have my family, and their happiness is my happiness. They are suffering under my incapable hands, their suffering make it the worst, because I keep feeling like I am never doing good enough, never trying hard enough. They never feel that way, I know, but still I cannot bear to see them so unhappy, yet trying to hide it from me, trying to protect me, trying to show that I have done my best.

Am I doing all this wrong? Is everything I do wrong? I don know i really don know

How I wish I had someone to cry to, instead of my pillow and the laptop screen........

In the end, I still don't know.....