Disturbed

Disturbed

this is how i feel (today)

depressed

bouncing way back to reality

sometimes i wonder, is my acting that good that people really see me as a full of self-confidence person? or i am really full of self-confidence?

on days like today

all i feel is self-loathe

self-hatred and self pity

i feel like i am the worst person in the world

i remember, that one day when I sat there and watch him play basketball, just sitting there admiring him (as i've always done, admiring him from afar), and then it happened someone saw me and said this "people like you (fat and ugly) don't even think of having a crush, do you think that guy will like you, do you know how embarrassing it would be for him to know that someone like you likes him?". I was astounded, i only watched him (from afar), and i've never even approached him, I was hurt but i did not show the person my hurt. I put a smile on my face, sat there for another 15minutes (the maximum my heart could take, before it decided it couldn't last any longer) and walked away with a smile. All i wanted to do was cry, in fact! I never meant to hurt or embarrass anyone. All the way I walked with a smile, occasionally cracking a joke or two with my friends. And when I reached my room, i jumped into my bed, and stared at the double decker above me, willing my tears away, hoping my friends would leave me alone, so that i can wallow in my self loathsome. They didn't leave, (and today I am very thankful for that) and they seem to detect my distress. The next thing i know, i had two friends on both sides of me, holding me close, and telling me it's ok to cry, it's ok, don't listen to a fuck that guy was saying, don't ever think that way, you're beautiful, you're fine as you are. With all that hugs and kisses on my face, naturally my dam broke, and for the very first time, my walls cracked, i was heaving, sobbing, crying my eyes out to the two bestest friends i've had.

now, (today)

when I sat in that bus and saw you

i wonder why did those words of that bastard come back

why did i not forget them already

or how much truth was in what that guy had said

and my smile naturally faded away and my eyes welled with tears

and i decided, go back to reality

because those words seems like reality (today)