Someone asked me, why am i so addicted to korean dramas?

I guess many addicts like me would say:

1) so many handsome (flower or non flower) boys and man

2) funny and heart tugging stories

I was no a big movie/drama watcher, the most i used to watch was the weekly Macgyver series, CSI, NCSI, Criminal Minds, so on. Even when I used to watch korean dramas those days (winter sonata, autumn in my heart) I never really got addicted. So, why today I am labelled as a korean drama addict?

I don't think it's merely the actors or the story itself, it's more than that, it is what connects with me. What feels like it has everything to do with me. The truth I don watch all korean dramas, but just a selectively few ones that I watch repetitiously. in fact, the first drama I ever got addicted to was not a korean drama, it was a latin drama "yo soy betty la fea". It was one drama that hit very close to home. At that age, suffering from low esteem, I felt like Betty, the ugly one, everyday I had to sit and watch her grow, watch her pain, because most of the times I felt like that. With Betty, I had hope perhaps one day someone would love me for who I am and not what I look like.

Then, there was a gap where I hardly got addicted to anything. Until, one day when I turned 24, I watched "coffee prince". Again, the theme was about the same, it gave me hope. But I grew wiser, I knew that happy endings only happen in books and movies and dramas, not in real life. So, I just watched because the actors and the actresses did an excellent job at acting.

At 25, when I suffered from loneliness, and a period of so much confusion, heartache, pain, and so much of the unknown, I become officially addicted to korean dramas. They were the ones who got rid of my misery and unhappiness. I watched for hours and hours, with my pillow and blanket, a bowl of noodles, a cup of milo, a tin of biscuits, locked up in my room, watching and rewatching the dramas that made me laugh, again and again. There is one in particular, " You're beautiful", a sensational hit around the world, that really captured me, just because that was when i was truly lost and in pain. I hid myself into their world, a world where there was Hwang taeKyung, and I only. Until today, I still have to thank Jang Geun Suk-shi for that time, because i would have collapsed without him (of course, there were my friends and family as well). But my point is that the drama became my fantasy land, whenever I had problems, issues, all i needed to do was to switch on my laptop and watch those I love. Immediately, I was transported into a world without pain, without hurt.

These days, I still watch k-dramas, not as addicted as I was last two years, but I choose what I watch, only watching those that are funny and interesting. I still wait for the latest episodes to be uploaded, watching with chinese subs first, then with english subs. But no where near to the craziness i felt two years ago.

So, will I ever leave K-dramas to themselves and spend more quality time with people I love? I guess not, btw, i only spend like 16hours (not even a day) watching the whole drama!!!

Worried

I am worried now. What if I don't get either of the scholarship, because seems like they are not calling me for the internal one. So left only the external one, and if I don make that, then how? Then what do I do? In April, I have no more income then how? I don have Gras also. How la?

now i am all bingung, if it doesn't work out, should I just quit midway, or maybe I should not register at all? Oh dear God, is this another one of your test? How many more are you gonna give me? How much longer are you gonna test me? Have I done so much mistakes in my past, that I have to pay so much back? my heart feels like a heavy stone pressed on it, my eyes never seem to be dry, my wheels up there, never cease to slow down, my whole body feels weak. What if I fail them, no, I will not fail them. Anything can to me, maybe I will not be studying, but as long as i am healthy, I will work to not fail them, if that is what it takes.

I must be stupid, right? what's the point of studying hard, what's the meaning of that paper, when I can't keep my loved ones happy? What I am doing? What the hell am I doing? What? :'(

numb

Why do I feel blank, numb?

I don't know how to describe this feeling.

Where do I even begin?

When will it ever end?

This numbness, seeping into my tiny cells,

Sending my mind blank

All i see sometimes is what i do and what i am going to do next

Don't have any hope or aspirations

Did I lose all my confidence alongside my ambitions

When the road I took, decide it would set hurdles

Not any hurdles, but life altering barriers

Along this road, it seems i have lost directions

Lost my sense directions, lost in the woods I am

I am still walking on this road, because it is the road set for me

but I hope I would not lose my soul

As I trudge alone on this empty street

because then life would be meaningles

Sorry

My dear friends,

mian haeyo. jeongmal jeongmal mianhae.

wasted all your time.

Stupid LOVE

This is something I put up on my old blog a few years ago, and today I am feeling the same thing again. I care not to write it again, but when I look through what I wrote, they still hold the same, nothing has changed. Here it goes (yellow) is my previous blog and (red) is my how I feel now, this very minute!

Hmmm.. I am have been thinking, and thinking and pondering real hard (no more thinking too hard, it's there, in front of my eyes, in front of everyone's eyes, no point thinking already)

But still I haven’ found an answer to my question! yeah

When 2 people love each other very much, do they have to hurt each other that very much as well?

I can’t take it to see people who claim to love each other fight like dogs, argue, uncompromising, uncapable of understanding each other, not speaking the mind out, not willing to hear each other out, always hurting each other by the words they say to each other. I can’t take it, i really really cannot take, it pains me terribly moreover if it involves people I love dearly… When they fight, when one hurts the other, when they are trying their best to see who can kill each other with their poisonous words, do they ever stop to think about those around them, or even themselves and how if this person is no more in their life (even if they still are, how would they feel, how much hurt they have to bear through, how much efforts been made, how those witnessing them would feel, how this would end with broken hearts and broken souls?). Have they ever thought, I am angry, yes I am very angry, but why am I letting out my anger on someone i love dearly, someone their very life is interconnected to, someone their very soul is depended on… People can take hurtful to certain amount only, then they will retaliate or worse they will leave, either leaving them or leaving the world once and forever… Why do people take their loved ones for granted? Are they that dispensable? Are they your punching bag? But these are people you love, people you know would support you any time any place (is that the very fact, you are abusing them this way? because you know they will never leave you??)!!!!

When i ask these people, why do you even hurt each other, why do you do this to each other? Why do they fight an quarrel? Why don’t you love the other person anymor?

And the answer is always: “This is life,!!”. “Life is like this” (nowadays its worse, because they themselves don't know why they are in this kind of relationship, the one that breaks your soul)

No, if life is really like this, then I don’t want this type of life.. I don’t want to love anybody, I don’t want to be close to anybody, I don’t want to fight with anyone, I do not want to one day hurt someone I love or be hurt by someone l love. I do not want this type of life.. This is not life, I don’t know what this is, but if this really is LIFE, then forget life, take me somewhere where there is no LIFE. Take me to where the grass is green and the sky is blue, there is ample of clean water, and animals roaming freely according to their food ladder, take me to where there is love and only love. (no, i rephrase, take me to where there is happiness and peace, because LOVE only exists in fairy tales, books, and dramas)

I don’t want this type of LIFE!!! Yes, I don't want this kind of life.