Negativity and me

I have this whole bunch of negativity stirring in me, bubbling, boiling,

and since its in me, it is suppressed, occasionally rearing its ugly fugly head,

taking down those closest to me, hurting those i love the most

these negative charges- sadness, grief, hurt, inferiority, lack of confidence, loneliness,

need to go, need to leave, need an outlet, need to be let, in a single stream, slow and steadily

I need to let go of every fucking thing that is bringing me down, that is hurting me,

I need to let go of the steam, before I begin my journey away from home

I need to gain some positivity, some hope, some desire of living, some life

I need to live again and belief again, need to love and let go again,

I need so many things, to do so many things, its overwhelming,

but I need to do so

in the hope that I'd never succumb to all this negativity that I have and live the reset of my life

as a walking zombie.

For who I am or for what I have

For who I am or for what I have?

Why can't you see me

for who I am

and not what I have?

Why won't give yourself a chance

if only you could look deeper

you'd see that I've more to offer?

Why should I dress up, to doll up, to look nice

so that you would pass me a look

Am I not beautiful without being made up?

Why do you all go on saying

that if I lost weight, i'd definitely have more suitors

what makes you think that I don't have one already?

Why should I get hurt again and again

by people who cannot accept me as I am

as They only see what I have?

I am tired, Sometime I cry, sometimes I blank out

sometimes it weighs me down, sometimes it makes me frown

I want to shrug it all away,

and just believe in myself,

just accept the way I am,

just keep telling myself I am who I am,

and if you can't see me that way,

and it's your lost!

2 months

Another 3 days, he'll be gone for 2 months

In 2 months many things have happened, mostly good.

But despite all these good things, there's a part of me that feels so alone,

feels like there's a part missing, feels like there nothing that can replace this part,

I miss him. I really really do.

Sometimes he comes to my dream, but when I wake up, I can't remember them at all.

Sometimes it feels like he's still around, still at home, still hanging around...

If I can feel like this, I really don't know ow my mum is coping,

she has been with him for 38 years, 38 long years, always with him, how is she coping?

None like him

Another 6 days, it would be a month since I lost him

Sometimes it feels like he has just taken for another overseas job

(and its easier to think of it like that)

then I remember he won't ever come back,

I wouldn't be seeing a physical manifestation of him anymore

it breaks my heart, it breaks all of our hearts

Sometimes I am just assaulted by memories

many many memories of him

the other i drove past the bus stop,

and i remembered the day we had a flat tyre and with his sickness

he still insisted on changing the tyre, and not letting me do it

(now, who is going to change the tyre for me?)

When i take the bus to work, and all along the federal highway

all I think of is the days, he or Amma drove him to work in Subang

and all this while he was sick while he was fighting his cancer

and just because with my salary, there was no way to support the family

and when i think of this, i feel regretful that till the end of his days

i could never have done enough for him

I could not give him the best that he deserves

I could not repay him all the things he had done for us (from the very beginning)

And when we run out gas, we still don't know how to change the knob

(although he taught me many times, i keep forgetting),

but with no one to pamper us that, I remember it clearly now

And no ones there to cut the tree, change the bulb,

no one watches the favorite channels of his, discovery, science, history, animal planet and whatnot

no one to wait me up in the living room when i come back late in the night

no one who i can bite his face and irritate him with my saliva all over his face

no one to sit in the kennel and play with the puppies

no one who be as strong as my father (even when he was sick)

No matter what i write here, it would never be sufficient to express how much I miss him

No matter what we go through daily life, I don't think any of us (Amma and us) will ever go a day without thinking and missing him

No matter how we pretend that we are fine, and all smiles, each of us carry one big hole in our hearts

because he took it when he left us forever

16 April 2012

20th October 1952, he took his first breath

16th April 2012, he took his last breath

Three days ago, I lost the best man of my life, my father.

His last breath was shared among people whom he loved dearly and those who loved him just as equally much. He spent the last few minutes, in prayers, and chants, and love.

He spent his last 5 days in the hospital, embroiled in pain, without being able to speak, eat or drink.

He spent the last 3 years of his life battling cancer, with frequent visits to hospitals and shrines and temples.

He spent 28 years of his life, working hard, raising the three of us, making sure we had food, drink, a roof, transportation, clothes, and every other luxury he could afford. All for us and nothing less. But most of all, he gave us the love that could never surpass anyone else in the world (besides my mother), and that has shaped us into what we are today.

He spent 39 years of his life, in love with my mother. 10 years before marriage and 29 after. He spent these years loving her in his very own ways.

And on the 16th of April 2012, this man left us, to a better place where sufferings cease, and hopefully he is happier no matter where he is.

My dear Appa, thank you for all that you have done, everything you have given, every minute that you spent with us, for all the love you showered us. Thank you.

We will miss you.