Self-reflection

It's very depressing that in all the "dramas" that have happened in my life, I am always considered as the bad one, the one triggering all the bloody drama.

People always say if one person says that, then it could be a misunderstanding, but if many people says the same thing, perhaps its time to reflect on oneself.

Maybe its time I reflect on myself, to see gravely whether it IS me that is wrong in all the situation.

Mostly it's because I can't control my emotions, my face reflects whatever i feel, I may not talk, may not say, but my face shows, shows how much i dislike whatever is happening.

That's because i don have a poker face, i don know how to pretend, how to lick others' ass, cock and shoes and whatever else they want me to lick, i don know how to not be angry when someone else is in the wrong and yet others get blamed, i don know how to close my eyes to all the injustice in the world (for example, getting recognition that you don deserve, and not doing anything to rectify it or even point to those who actually contributed), i don understand how people can be so two-faced, talking nicely in front of others and talking badly behind their backs, and yes, i can't do that, if i don't like you, i don't like you, and my face will show you that, if i don respect you, my face will show you exactly that!

Maybe its time i do reflect, and not be all that, or maybe i could just continue be me, let everyone else fuck off!!!

Fight

But it was never intention

nor was it pre-mediated

I liked you and you liked me

So what's the big deal

You wanna pick a fight

Pick your weapon and I'll not shy

I'll stand by me

and I'll stand all alone

even if the world was against me

and standing by yourside

I'll not cower and fly

cause I know this time

I'm right and you're a poor sight

so I'll shall not cry

or wail

or be sorry for my plight

Come, be strong and face me

I'll be waiting

Fallen

i have fallen

at last i have fallen too

~bitter laugh~

into this mundane lifeless life of mine

i don't know what has gotten into me

but its been two months and i can't shift away from this feeling/behaviour/attitude

its bringing me down, very much down

its tearing me into pieces

i don find the joy anymore

i feel like a walking corpse

i force out laughters/smiles because i know people are worries

but truthfully i don even feel like laughing

all i feel i want to do is isolate myself and disappear from this world

lock myself up and cut myself up

and the worst is i have no idea why i am feeling this way

~bsides the fact i am a useless daughter, uncaring sister, unfeeling friend~

i really can't pinpoint this despair i feel

and i don't know how to crawl out of this dark pit i've fallen into

A dream or subconscious speaking?

I had a dream the other night
I received a letter from my first love


Dear _______,


Haven't you forgiven me yet?
Why do you still act "cold" towards me?
Don't you think it's time you forgave me?
You have to, ______, because if you don't,
you will never move on.....


Yours truly,
______________


Is my subconscious trying to tell me something??
I wonder.....

i have deluded myself far enough.

i just din want to see what was happening,

preferring to dumb at all others' suffering

and now it hits me so badly

this heart is so heavy

both literally and physically,

weighted down by those words

weighted down by MONEY

how could i have deluded myself this far?

how could i not understand the situation in detail?

and now what should i do?