Self-reflection

It's very depressing that in all the "dramas" that have happened in my life, I am always considered as the bad one, the one triggering all the bloody drama.

People always say if one person says that, then it could be a misunderstanding, but if many people says the same thing, perhaps its time to reflect on oneself.

Maybe its time I reflect on myself, to see gravely whether it IS me that is wrong in all the situation.

Mostly it's because I can't control my emotions, my face reflects whatever i feel, I may not talk, may not say, but my face shows, shows how much i dislike whatever is happening.

That's because i don have a poker face, i don know how to pretend, how to lick others' ass, cock and shoes and whatever else they want me to lick, i don know how to not be angry when someone else is in the wrong and yet others get blamed, i don know how to close my eyes to all the injustice in the world (for example, getting recognition that you don deserve, and not doing anything to rectify it or even point to those who actually contributed), i don understand how people can be so two-faced, talking nicely in front of others and talking badly behind their backs, and yes, i can't do that, if i don't like you, i don't like you, and my face will show you that, if i don respect you, my face will show you exactly that!

Maybe its time i do reflect, and not be all that, or maybe i could just continue be me, let everyone else fuck off!!!

Fight

But it was never intention

nor was it pre-mediated

I liked you and you liked me

So what's the big deal

You wanna pick a fight

Pick your weapon and I'll not shy

I'll stand by me

and I'll stand all alone

even if the world was against me

and standing by yourside

I'll not cower and fly

cause I know this time

I'm right and you're a poor sight

so I'll shall not cry

or wail

or be sorry for my plight

Come, be strong and face me

I'll be waiting

Fallen

i have fallen

at last i have fallen too

~bitter laugh~

into this mundane lifeless life of mine

i don't know what has gotten into me

but its been two months and i can't shift away from this feeling/behaviour/attitude

its bringing me down, very much down

its tearing me into pieces

i don find the joy anymore

i feel like a walking corpse

i force out laughters/smiles because i know people are worries

but truthfully i don even feel like laughing

all i feel i want to do is isolate myself and disappear from this world

lock myself up and cut myself up

and the worst is i have no idea why i am feeling this way

~bsides the fact i am a useless daughter, uncaring sister, unfeeling friend~

i really can't pinpoint this despair i feel

and i don't know how to crawl out of this dark pit i've fallen into

A dream or subconscious speaking?

I had a dream the other night
I received a letter from my first love


Dear _______,


Haven't you forgiven me yet?
Why do you still act "cold" towards me?
Don't you think it's time you forgave me?
You have to, ______, because if you don't,
you will never move on.....


Yours truly,
______________


Is my subconscious trying to tell me something??
I wonder.....

i have deluded myself far enough.

i just din want to see what was happening,

preferring to dumb at all others' suffering

and now it hits me so badly

this heart is so heavy

both literally and physically,

weighted down by those words

weighted down by MONEY

how could i have deluded myself this far?

how could i not understand the situation in detail?

and now what should i do?

lost

somehow

i feel lost

i feel tired

i feel empty

even though

i have a direction

i have enough sleep

i have my family and some friends

but somehow

i end up like this

pondering ahead

wondering what's wrong

when

everything seems fine

everything's moving smoothly

everyone's trying their best

yet

this is how i feel

and i cannot understand myself

perhaps i need some help

Squinting

Looking at you

so far away

where are you heading?

Gaping

As you make your way

towards me

are you kidding me?

Giggling

As you step up to me

Said "hi"

what'd you expect me to do?

Smiling

you sent my heart in a frenzy

lost my breathe

what more can i say?

Sighing

when you walked away

hoping you'll be back soon

to make my day

gone is my muse

i don't know what to write

down the drain it went

will i ever find it again

Annoyed

How easily i get annoyed

annoyed because of little things

irritated because of certain actions

then getting all depressed

because i get annoyed and irritated

at meaningless things

and most importantly at people who mean the world to me

and especially when i conscious that I am hurting them

and what's the point is feeling regret

when all has been said and done

when regret don't mean a thing

when this keeps happening again and again

this side of me that never seems to change

as much as i feel like i need to change

i still get bloody annoyed and irritated

Envy?

sometimes i bloody hate why the hell I am still here

but just sometimes

when everyone seems to be somewhere

having a family

having a stable job

having fun studying in place I wanna be

having lots of fun in life

with many hobbies

and I am all stuck here.

Not that i don't like what I am doing

I take everything I do with the same fervor I take in life

serious and yet i try my best to make as fun as possible

perhaps I am just envious of people

Looking at others, seeing their achievements, and their enjoyment

makes me feel like I haven't been doing the best in my life

Envy: one of the greatest sin

Envy brings unhappiness right?

I shouldn't be envious of others and of what they have

because I have done enough ~trying my best to console myself that I've tried my best~

because I have a family, a roof over my head and food on my table

I am thankful, and for that i am glad

yet sometimes, i feel so envious of others

just because I feel I deserve better ~i am a SNOB for saying this, right?~

because I feel i haven't given my best ~i am trying though..~

I hate the me today

I wonder what did I do to myself and my dreams

why I am here?

~Fret not~ consoling myself ~one day, your day will come when you can soar high and achieve whatever you want to achieve, just hold on, keep holding on~

Leave

Go on

make a move

show me what you've got

prove that you are you

if not, just leave

don't waste my time

don't waste your breathe

go on

move on

find someone else

someone who is good enough for you

go on

show or leave

trust and me

how do i state this

how do i tell you all these

how do i open my heart to you

and let you in

when i am so insecure

when i am full of mistrust

when i am one who trust no one

so pray tell me how do i let you in

will you work your way in

will you never stray too far from me

will you slowly earn my trust

or you will just leave me

cause i am too big of a burden

too quiet for your liking

too sudden with my gestures

and you have given up on me

Don't come any closer

Don't come any closer

your smell invades

permeates my cells

every single one of them

Don't come any closer

your touch hurts

leaving unseen marks

invisible yet always there

Don't come any close

your hold transfixes

holds me still

send my heart into a running mess

Don't come any closer

your whispers confuses

brain goes haywire

half tuned half gone

Don't come any closer

Any closer

I'll burn, be burned

combust and turn to ash

Don't come any closer

any closer

i'll turn around and run

cause all i really wanna do is crush into you

you

in my dreams

you appear

always faceless

with tender love

why are you faceless

why are you so tender

why do you hold me like that

and whisper sweet nothingness

but you only come in my dreams

your kisses is just a dream

who are you

will you ever appear

and make everything alright

Disturbed

Disturbed

this is how i feel (today)

depressed

bouncing way back to reality

sometimes i wonder, is my acting that good that people really see me as a full of self-confidence person? or i am really full of self-confidence?

on days like today

all i feel is self-loathe

self-hatred and self pity

i feel like i am the worst person in the world

i remember, that one day when I sat there and watch him play basketball, just sitting there admiring him (as i've always done, admiring him from afar), and then it happened someone saw me and said this "people like you (fat and ugly) don't even think of having a crush, do you think that guy will like you, do you know how embarrassing it would be for him to know that someone like you likes him?". I was astounded, i only watched him (from afar), and i've never even approached him, I was hurt but i did not show the person my hurt. I put a smile on my face, sat there for another 15minutes (the maximum my heart could take, before it decided it couldn't last any longer) and walked away with a smile. All i wanted to do was cry, in fact! I never meant to hurt or embarrass anyone. All the way I walked with a smile, occasionally cracking a joke or two with my friends. And when I reached my room, i jumped into my bed, and stared at the double decker above me, willing my tears away, hoping my friends would leave me alone, so that i can wallow in my self loathsome. They didn't leave, (and today I am very thankful for that) and they seem to detect my distress. The next thing i know, i had two friends on both sides of me, holding me close, and telling me it's ok to cry, it's ok, don't listen to a fuck that guy was saying, don't ever think that way, you're beautiful, you're fine as you are. With all that hugs and kisses on my face, naturally my dam broke, and for the very first time, my walls cracked, i was heaving, sobbing, crying my eyes out to the two bestest friends i've had.

now, (today)

when I sat in that bus and saw you

i wonder why did those words of that bastard come back

why did i not forget them already

or how much truth was in what that guy had said

and my smile naturally faded away and my eyes welled with tears

and i decided, go back to reality

because those words seems like reality (today)

I wish

I am trying hard
to forget, but I think it's bcoz I still cannot forgive you
or maybe I can't forgive myself

I wish I was by your side
You were the only who can understand me
Know what to say and what not to say
you knew how to calm my fear

I wish you were by my side
You talked to me openly
no secrets, just talk on and on
and I never grew bored

I wish we were still together
bcoz it seemed like we were meant for each other
maybe not in the way I want it
but it was there, strong and sure
our love for each other

But now... I just wish

we are just together

Delusional me

do you think i'm delusional?

i appear giddy and giggly

but don't ever think i am delusional

i know where i stand

i know where is my place

i've been reminded of my place

constantly

that i've got it all in my head

i know how i look

just average looking face

with a below average looking body

i know exactly how i look in your eyes

i know how is it

because i wouldn't look at myself if i were you

i try not to get my hopes up

when with friends

all your looks (if they were intended for me)

are for them

that's what i constantly remind myself

to not get my hopes up

but all the same i pretend to be giddy and giggly

as if they were meant for me

and when i am alone

why do you still look

take your eyes away

there's only me there

so why are you still looking

so why are you still staring

i am not gonna make myself delusional

and think that you have "it" for me

but all the same i pretend

to appear giddy and giggly

and remind myself

i'm in no one's league

in no one's league.

Bleak

or black

you

or me

love

or never

i miss you

missing everything about you

the way you smell, you laugh, you smile, you cry

Kiss

u hold me up

against the wall

i have nowhere to go

nowhere to run to

i tensed

looked up

to find your eyes

boring into mine

u looked tense

just as much as i am

i relax

and u relaxed

and next

i have your lips on mine

i closed my eyes

and opened my heart

and opened my soul

so please

when u leave

return them

to how it used to be

Giggles me

but you don't know how I feel

how I feel

how sometimes your words hurt me

unintentionally (i know)

without understanding how I feel

hearing you utter those "jokes"

there is a story behind my smiles and giggles

but you would never understand

as i would never ever explain

but you don't know me

don't know what lies behind the

bubbly, carefree, smiling me

how dark (or tormented) the soul is

and i don even know myself

walking down here again,

all i do is smile and giggle

because that's all I can do in front you

You

All I want is you

for you to lie beside

look up into the sky

just like we used to

just like that

stare into the sky

the sky filled with stars

occasionally a moon

and of course those mighty bright satellites

or the planes whizzing through with their reddie lights

all i want to do

is to be content

just by lying besides you

Tired

I am so tired

So so tired

I'm insomniac

I can't sleep

Or it's more like

i can't sleep well at all

the moment I sleep

i'm brought to dreamland

where everything is just as bleak

and dark as reality

or maybe even darker than here

so i try not to sleep

i am sleep deprived

body needs its sleep

my mind needs it even more

but the Dreams keep coming back

for more and more

I wanna sleep

i really really do

Reunion?

It's the time of the year, when my classmates decide to have gathering. It has always been May 1st. This year it would mark the 10 years anniversary. Oh God, i can't believe it has been 10 years since i graduated from form 5. Hahaha, 10 damn long years.

And yet, I have never been to one of the gatherings held in this 10 years. I guess I am the only one who has never gone for it (that's what I believe). Why? Maybe because I am a loner, or maybe because i never felt belonged in that class. I guess both may have some truth in it. I never liked to gatherings, it's a time where people ask too many questions, where people compare one another life as of now, who is doing what, how much you are earning, got boyfriend/girlfriend or not. I hate those questions, (and this stems from personal experiences). when I went back to my primary school, the first thing my teachers will say is "wah, you still so fat huh??!!". WTF lar, I know my classmates wouldn't do that, but it's been ingrained in me, it has hurt me too much, that i never attend any of those gatherings unless it is held by the closest of close friends that I have (the ones i still keep in contact with). Whereas, I have really never felt belonged in that class, i guess my classmate would say the same of me. Mostly because i was too immersed in prefectorial board, that i neglected my class. In the end, i ended on not so very good terms with both my classmates and my prefect mates.

Tears

i hate receiving bad news. esp concerning those i love the most.

i don't know how to react, my heart is so heavy, so so heavy, yet my face doesn't even show it.

often mistaken as emotionless, i just don't know how to react

yet after that, i will shed those lonely tears, that only i see

i see myself in the mirror, i will myself to smile, all i end up is to cry

and i see tears, my own tears and wonder why doesn't it come out, when there is someone to comfort

i hate receiving bad news

but all i get is bad news after bad news

and my tears don ever stop, even if they are my lonely tears

i wonder if i will ever cease to receive bad news

or cease to cry these lonely tears of mine

I hate this feeling... This anger I have, This stupid stupid temper I have. One day, I am gonna kill myself over this stupid stupid temper.

I cannot understand certain things in life, how one cannot understand the other and the worse is they don't even make an attempt to do so.

Come on, when someone says no, you'd have to find out why they said so. Do you not understand she is not being selfish, rather it is you (maybe it would be more appropriate to say us) who is selfish. Because you do not understand what she is going through, and how much she is going through. And she does everything, without even depending on us, yet you want to put another burden on her. Of course she has all the bloody right to say no. Because we are not helping her in anyway. If we did our duties well, she wouldn't mind having that burden on her. But hell no, no one here is willing to help her out, and yet we show our stupid face to her. Imagine how she would feel, and I still can do this, go hurt her somemore. Can anyone just stick a knife through me. Because you and I, there's no difference. We are the same, we are just hurting her again and again. And one day when she leaves, only then we will know how much she has done for us.

I hate you for being mean and not understanding towards her. But I hate myself more, because I can't do anything to help at all.

pampered princess

Occasionally, it is nice to be pampered. To have someone look after you, and treat you like a princess.

Being me, i find it hard to trust people easily, so when one treats me extraordinarily nice, i'll begun to wonder what are their motives (this applies to people I am not that close with). But with people I am close with (i have at least 90% faith and trust in them), it feels nice to be acknowledged, to be a a circle, to sometimes just listen to each other bicker and argue, to then make up by buying each other food, or having dinner together, it's nice when you are treated like 'princess" and sometimes like the "greatest enemy". But being me, I just can't accept all these for a long term, although it feels very nice. Why? Because I don't like getting used to things like this, it becomes a habit, a die hard habit, I'll then start to rely on people, I'll become dependent, I'll forget what it's like to be alone and lonely. And finally when these (close) people leave me, I'll be so heartbroken, that I won't know how to manage at all... So, sometimes people wonder why I am behaving in manner that can be compared to an Ass, this is precisely why... and don't bother telling me that you won't leave me one day, because everyone leaves one day.

It may be very nice to fell protected, and treated like a princess, I'll still need to preserve my shell.

Hinduism and me

today i am writing about my religion.

I am a Hindu.

But before i go in detail, let me say that i am by no means an expert/learned in any religion even my own. Everything written here, is just my opinion and the way I look at things,.

Just like every other religion in the world, Hinduism has also its own branches. Every sector has its own beliefs etc... You have people praying to Krishna (Hare Krishna movement), Shiva (Saivaites), Kali (goddesses), and so many other Gods in the Hindu scriptures.

Someone was telling me a story. It goes like this, there were three men, these men were arguing to which God of theirs were more powerful. The first man, prays to Kali, Muruga, and a few others, the second man prays Vishnu, Ganesha etc and the last pray to Shiva. To prove the powers of their Gods, they decided to have cliff jumping competition, to see which God is more powerful. the first and second man, before jumping called out to all their favorite deities and jumped, both died. The reason being because the one god expected the other to save the men, so in the end none went. While the third man, praying to Shiva the almighty, jumped and Shiva came to save the man. the person telling the story said the moral of the story is Shiva is the One and Only god.

This story I have heard previously from another person but in an extremely uncomfortable situation where someone's life was truly in dire need. At that time I was angry, felt everything the guy said was BS. Now I think back and this is what prompts me to write this blog.

So the moral is Shiva is the Almighty or is it you can only believe in one God because there is ONLY one God, no matter what you want to call HIM/HER??? I am not too sure....

From young i was taught (by my parents/self taught) that there is only one GOD, in all religions, may it be Hindu, Christianity or Islam. Only thing different is the name we call our God. in Hinduism (at least the one I practice), the other deities are angels (that exist in other religions as well). So when I hear something like this, it always makes me ponder and wonder.

What if the people who believed that many gods equals to much more united force in saving/protecting them? They would not have expected the Gods to be like human, and not extend their hands, just because they called another god's name, just to spite them or because the gods have miscommunication, and behaves like a human, in delaying things! What about people who truly believed that there is only one God, but still prays to all other deities thinking of them as angels, would God ditch them as well? What if I believe there is only one God and I call Him/Her in another name, won't He/She come save me?

I know I am questioning my religion. But no, I truly believe in the existence of God, He resides in my heart, there is only one God for me, he has seen me through many many things in life and has set me up many may more hurdles in life. But I know there is GOD.

This kind of stories always leave me flustered, making me wish there was clear teaching in Hinduism without further sectoring of the religion. I want to learn to truth, but what is the truth? people are so known of changing truth to fit what they like, after so many many millennium, how do I know what is taught is the pure form of Hinduism? Or any other religion by way? Now I go reading some more... bits from here and there...

But I truly have no doubt there is a God and He is one and all.

Hard to be me

It's so hard to be me.

I am very conflicting,

i find myself conflicting

more than often confused and confusing

I laugh at one minute

and go depressed in the other

mood's like today's weather

unpredictable and

quite often deadly

I turn here and run there

I say no but my heart is yelling yes

I want to go but

I can just be silly and refuse

just because I can

I don understand myself

you ask me

what's wrong

I say oh oh, everything's perfectly perfect

but my face looks like poop

Everyone says eat less

cause I keep getting fatter

even if I don't eat as much as they do

I left a lot of bad eating habits behind

Do you want to me to finally not eat

and live or thin air

okay, then you eat moderately

do more exercise,

Well, thats where I am at fault

I don exercise well

I can walk bit I can't jog nor run

I can swim but in no gym

I love dancing, but i so miss my dancing partner

I pretend too much

or so i think,

if not i wouldn't have a face like poop

nor would I be running away from friends

I guess I forgotten how to pretend

Or maybe I have grown too attached

and my brain is ordering me

to detach

just like how they put some trypsin

it's feel like time to distance

to avoid

to make sure I never get hurt

to shelter my heart from possible heartache

you see,

even I can't comprehend myself

what more if you think you can

stop deluding yourself

you don't know me and

will never understand me

and I don blame you

Cause I fail to do so myself

"Ignorance"

I realized that people never liked to confront issues as they are, when they can. Everyone just closes their eyes and make as if the issue did not happen. Probably because ignorance is a bliss??

No one talks or tries to solve things amicably... Everything is shoved inside a closet, and when the closet gets a little too full, you can definitely expect a volcanic eruption. I hate seeing this happen, and always wonder will I also one day become like this. Become someone who never addresses the issue when I can, so that I will have peaceful nights of sleep??? I try to solve issues, but what if my partner refuses to participate, won't I be clapping single handedly? Perhaps it is better to just be blissfully "ignorant"??? HA HA ... I guess I will never know

Bleak and dark

This situation is pretty bleak...what i see in front of me is pretty bleak and dark, with streaks of sliver linings here there, but will the sun come out in the near future? Or is it gonna get darker and darker???

Today I borrowed money again, from mum for transportation. When I was 25years and below, I never owed anyone money, when I become 26, I started to owe people money. YP, people from Jane’s lab, Mira, Vaani , YQ and those uncountable people who have lent my family money without any problems. I hate owing people money, I hate that I have to borrow to pay this and that, I hate it that I have to pay my tuition fees by borrowing people’s money, It keeps adding up, again and again, when can I pay back them all back. I don’t want to be a person in debt. that I am really sorry to all the people I have borrowed from, I am really sorry that I can’t pay back now, but I will keep a record and I will pay back when its time. Most of all, I am really sorry to my parents, sorry that I can’t even support you all at the age of 27 years old. Can’t put food on the table, can’t make u all rest at the age u all are supposed to rest, have to make my sick father work, and my poor mother so worried. So sorry because I can’t pay for my sister’s tuition, can’t buy her books, can’t give her money to go out. Sorry cause I can’t help my other sister study, when she wants to study.

I hate that I have to lie to stop spending whatever i have in my pocket for food, although my stomach is so hungry and i could die of hunger, so that i have enough money for transportation. I hate having to stand outside the shop and think, what is the cheapest food that I can have and keep me going for the rest of the day. I hate saying that I am on a diet, when it's really because I have no money to eat at all and watch everyone else devour their food. I hate that I can't tell all this to anyone without them feeling sympathy for me and trying to help, by buying me food or lending me money, I hate this because I don want your money or your sympathy but to understand my situation and not bring me anywhere anymore, because I really can't afford it. As much as you are trying to help me, all I end up is being more in debt, which I will not know how to dig myself out one day, as much as I can understand all you meant was to help me....

Really, all I see again is myself is that dark area, with really so few silver linings... I worry I might not be able to search my way out ever again.

Someone asked me, why am i so addicted to korean dramas?

I guess many addicts like me would say:

1) so many handsome (flower or non flower) boys and man

2) funny and heart tugging stories

I was no a big movie/drama watcher, the most i used to watch was the weekly Macgyver series, CSI, NCSI, Criminal Minds, so on. Even when I used to watch korean dramas those days (winter sonata, autumn in my heart) I never really got addicted. So, why today I am labelled as a korean drama addict?

I don't think it's merely the actors or the story itself, it's more than that, it is what connects with me. What feels like it has everything to do with me. The truth I don watch all korean dramas, but just a selectively few ones that I watch repetitiously. in fact, the first drama I ever got addicted to was not a korean drama, it was a latin drama "yo soy betty la fea". It was one drama that hit very close to home. At that age, suffering from low esteem, I felt like Betty, the ugly one, everyday I had to sit and watch her grow, watch her pain, because most of the times I felt like that. With Betty, I had hope perhaps one day someone would love me for who I am and not what I look like.

Then, there was a gap where I hardly got addicted to anything. Until, one day when I turned 24, I watched "coffee prince". Again, the theme was about the same, it gave me hope. But I grew wiser, I knew that happy endings only happen in books and movies and dramas, not in real life. So, I just watched because the actors and the actresses did an excellent job at acting.

At 25, when I suffered from loneliness, and a period of so much confusion, heartache, pain, and so much of the unknown, I become officially addicted to korean dramas. They were the ones who got rid of my misery and unhappiness. I watched for hours and hours, with my pillow and blanket, a bowl of noodles, a cup of milo, a tin of biscuits, locked up in my room, watching and rewatching the dramas that made me laugh, again and again. There is one in particular, " You're beautiful", a sensational hit around the world, that really captured me, just because that was when i was truly lost and in pain. I hid myself into their world, a world where there was Hwang taeKyung, and I only. Until today, I still have to thank Jang Geun Suk-shi for that time, because i would have collapsed without him (of course, there were my friends and family as well). But my point is that the drama became my fantasy land, whenever I had problems, issues, all i needed to do was to switch on my laptop and watch those I love. Immediately, I was transported into a world without pain, without hurt.

These days, I still watch k-dramas, not as addicted as I was last two years, but I choose what I watch, only watching those that are funny and interesting. I still wait for the latest episodes to be uploaded, watching with chinese subs first, then with english subs. But no where near to the craziness i felt two years ago.

So, will I ever leave K-dramas to themselves and spend more quality time with people I love? I guess not, btw, i only spend like 16hours (not even a day) watching the whole drama!!!