the world today

Violence..
everywhere
robbery, snatch thefts, raping, murder, war..
the world is seeing its doom
whats more pathetic and scary
is that
no one helps, no one offers help,
no one tries to help
passerby just look, no offer of help
just looking
how pathetic have we become
how low have we sunken to
how much lower can we go
until we no longer emote
no longer are humans

Useless

I feel like the most useless person in the world
Seems like I can't get anything right..
No matter how hard I try..
No matter how much I give
No matter how much I do
it doesn't matter because I am probably the most useless piece of shit in this world
it doesn't matter at all
because even when i cry
no one cares
even if i don cry
no one cares
well, my mum cares, but why should I bother her with all this shit
and make her all worried and upset
because its okay I am upset all by myself
because its my shit that fucked up anyway
because i can't get a thing done
can't get a thing right
can't make them happy
can't think like them
can't do a shit like
can't do anything
basically i am crap or may be not even that
even shit is useful as fertilizer
So yeah, so yep, so yes
that's me, that's who I am
the useless daughter
the useless sister
the useless and stupid student
the useless and emotional friend
the useless and dumb researcher
the useless citizen
the stupid useless me
so thanks for reading this piece
and thanks for not responding
its okay i can understand
who'd want to respond to a useless me

Bleak and dark

This situation is pretty bleak...what i see in front of me is pretty bleak and dark, with streaks of sliver linings here there, but will the sun come out in the near future? Or is it gonna get darker and darker???

Today I borrowed money again, from mum for transportation. When I was 25years and below, I never owed anyone money, when I become 26, I started to owe people money. YP, people from Jane’s lab, Mira, Vaani , YQ and those uncountable people who have lent my family money without any problems. I hate owing people money, I hate that I have to borrow to pay this and that, I hate it that I have to pay my tuition fees by borrowing people’s money, It keeps adding up, again and again, when can I pay back them all back. I don’t want to be a person in debt. that I am really sorry to all the people I have borrowed from, I am really sorry that I can’t pay back now, but I will keep a record and I will pay back when its time. Most of all, I am really sorry to my parents, sorry that I can’t even support you all at the age of 27 years old. Can’t put food on the table, can’t make u all rest at the age u all are supposed to rest, have to make my sick father work, and my poor mother so worried. So sorry because I can’t pay for my sister’s tuition, can’t buy her books, can’t give her money to go out. Sorry cause I can’t help my other sister study, when she wants to study.

I hate that I have to lie to stop spending whatever i have in my pocket for food, although my stomach is so hungry and i could die of hunger, so that i have enough money for transportation. I hate having to stand outside the shop and think, what is the cheapest food that I can have and keep me going for the rest of the day. I hate saying that I am on a diet, when it's really because I have no money to eat at all and watch everyone else devour their food. I hate that I can't tell all this to anyone without them feeling sympathy for me and trying to help, by buying me food or lending me money, I hate this because I don want your money or your sympathy but to understand my situation and not bring me anywhere anymore, because I really can't afford it. As much as you are trying to help me, all I end up is being more in debt, which I will not know how to dig myself out one day, as much as I can understand all you meant was to help me....

Really, all I see again is myself is that dark area, with really so few silver linings... I worry I might not be able to search my way out ever again.