dancing all by yourself

your whole life, you have danced alone.
on this stage all by yourself.
you are so comfortable in your space.
the music is all yours.
the beat controls your movement.
you dont follow no one
coz the rhythm comes to you.
you do as you wish
you sway as you want.
you are not perfect
but the stage is all yours.
you are drowning in it
but only in joy you drown you dance you move.
unknowingly capturing the eyes of many.
you are not used to that
because in real life no one pays you any attention.
but they do on this stage
some with malicious intentions
some with wonder
some just wanna join you in having fun

but you
you have danced all by yourself all your life
you do not know how to sync with another
you do not understand how some songs are meant for two
you do not feel comfortable when someone steps in your bubble
so you apologize
or you fight

its okay darling
just go on being you
just keep on dancing alone
one day you will find someone who learns what moves you
then may you find your dance partner

realization

when you realize that you have no self-esteem, self-confidence at all. when you realize that you have been putting on a facade. when you realize that you are nothing but a coward. when you realize all these you realize how broken you truly are, you realize that you may never find happiness, you realize that you do not have a direction in life. and when this is realized you will feel pain, and wonder what went wrong, and the fact is you will never know. you will just keep pretending,  pretending nothing in this world can hurt you, pretending that everything is okay, keep putting on a smile and swallowing every hurt hurled at you. Its okay.. you will numb sooner or later.. then everything is okay..

Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas!!!

Haven't written for a long time, have I?

I have been melancholy, wondering about my purpose in life..

I work I eat I sleep I work I eat I sleep

I don't have family here, I don't have friends here. But I guess its part and parcel of life.

Usually I am not affected, but since its Christmas, a time where everyone gathers family, friends, lovers, children, cousins, colleagues. So I guess I am human after all. Been thinking that I must have been turned into a robot or something, with the way I live my life.

Anyway, have a merry Christmas and a blessed New Year

sleepless

Sometimes I lie here, unable to sleep because thoughts just keep going back and forth in my head. i dont want to think too much. but i cant stop myself. i am weird generally, on the outer layer, i am strong, cold, harsh, inpenetrable, stubborn. but inside i worry a lot.

you know, if you have been reading my blog since long ago, you would know that my family is very important to me. So when something happens i get worried, i cannot sleep. most of the time, i am the one telling my mom to not worry, everything will work out because thats what i want to believe in. but at night when you are alone, everything resurfaces. it makes me worried.

to the person involved, if you are reading this: how can i help you, if you dont help yourself... on one hand i want to help you but on the other hand i dont want to help you. i understand (no i dont understand and i cannot even remotedly imagine how you felt) you are broken, by someone whom you were bound to, someone whom you love. you could have handled this better, trusted someone to tell them about this, and solved it another way instead you took the road where you hurt yourself, you damaged yourself, and slowly that toxic spread to your family. you should have been firmer in your strength and resolution, you should have left with dignity, and not as you are now. not in way you are now. what you are doing now is highly despicable, not for yourself only, but everyone else involved (and there are many involved). i wished you were less selfish, open your eyes and see that you are not the only one suffering. i want to help you, but i think the only way for me to help you is to let you be. you need to learn to be independent, to learn the harsh reality of life (which you have been pretty cocooned), to rebuild yourself, to find your way and strength and self confidence again. I am sorry, i really am, i cannot do more, but i still cannot forgive what you are doing now (but that doesnt matter, does it). so when you think you have found your way and you have become yourself again, come find me!

Belong

Almost all of us want to belong somewhere, be it with a single person or with a crowd.
But, somehow this is not where i belong. This workplace is not somewhere i can belong, not even be a part of it. Its frustrating when you can't fit in, even though you have tried. When this is the "coldest"place i have ever been to, no one talks to the foreign one unless a question is asked. But they talk amongst themselves in a language i am yet to grasp. When my boss is speaking to everyone in a language neither me nor the other foreign one understands, it pisses me off more. Makes me put on my earphones, blast my music, because it hurts to not feel belonged.
Well, i shall just bear with it, its only another one and half year...

I would have loved to have a perfect family, but then again nothing is perfect.
I would like to say my family is broken, but that's not true when you compare to people who come really broken ones
Maybe I would say there is no harmony in my family. Every time we gather, so somewhat gather, there will be a fight, involving some tears, some shouting, some yelling... and I hate when things become that erratic.
But the worse part of all, is i can't do anything to make it better.
And to see your mom sad, to see her cry, to know in her heart she probably feels like she is just troubling of us all, and at the same time an outsider in her own family, it breaks my heart.
I want to make her happy, something I couldn't do for my dad. But happiness doesn't come from me having money and bringing her around the world. Happiness for her is to see her daughters' happiness, her granddaughter's happiness. And I can't make her happy in that sense, because there are my sisters, and they would have to feel the same. I am not perfect, i have hurt my mom again and again, many times, not only in the past but also recently. But i try to not, because she is all i have left. because if she is not there anymore, I won't have anyone, not my sisters who have their own life, not my relatives, not even my friends. But I just can't seem to make her happy, just like I failed to make my father happy;
Why is having an harmonious family like an impossible mission? Why....

Unhappy

I am beginning to think that I suck at a being a person.
I am frustrated living here, I have no problem with my work and work is pretty fine.
But I don't have any friends. My colleagues are super unfriendly, they only speak french and mingle among themselves. If they tell a joke, and all of them are laughing, they don't bother to tell us. If there is something going on, bad or good, everything is hush hush. That includes my boss as well. Everyday, I go to work, do my work and sit at my desk. I buy lunch and have it at my desk. The only friendly person I have encountered is the lady at the cafeteria who sells me my food. This is beginning to get to me. I feel unhappy to be in this state. Then I go to french class. Everyone is friendly and all, at least in class. But most of them have cliques and other friends. I never get invited out for drinks or anything basically. Today, the girl I thought who could be my friend, said she hated me and called me a bitch. I don't even know whether she was joking and she meant it. Seriously. there must be something wrong with me. I know I am an introvert and most of the time I don't mind being alone. But this is too much and before this place I have had people to be friends with (who still are my friends), people who loved me (still loves me). This place is sucking my happiness away from me. I used to smile a lot, even when I am sad. Now, sometimes I can't even bring myself to smile anymore. I tell myself, I am strong, I am okay, I am doing just fine, to lift my head up and walk proudly because I am perfect in the way I am, Then I cry while walking home (alone).

Working in science? The complication piece

The complications in science. 

When I was a bachelor's student, it was much easier. I just had to read and pass my exams. Then I got to my final year, I had a dissertation to do which involved research and stuff. At that point of my life, the only complications that I faced include shortage of reagents. materials, unfriendly.unhelpful seniors aka postgraduate students, making the experiments work, trying to figure out what I am meant to write, boss being a little bias. But that was it.

Then I moved on to work in research, started out a research assistant, with the thought that I had found the field I love. Its true, I did find something I love, still love and am still doing. But I had to grow up. 

Here, when I was working in this particular lab, when you are a research assistant or a postgraduate, you are just "hands and legs". I am really re-quoting the second in command (current boss), that's what he said to our face. You guys just do the work, no need to think. That may sound like an easy job. But we are in the field not to just to the work. The way he said it, it sounded like we did not have the capability to think, and we were stupid. Condescending, that's what I would describe those words. People working in that lab, even for many years rarely published, because it was all hoarded by the superiors. Mostly, we didn't think much of it, because those days, I was still naive, still believed in the good of people. We were also "brainwashed" to think that we aren't capable certain levels, and were made full use of. But its okay, because I had fun, I liked the job, I had good colleagues.

Then, I moved back home, to another lab. I had to start below. That is to be expected, because hierarchic is very important in my country. You pay respect to your seniors, and everyone else you were there earlier then you. In this lab, I had lots of good things happen. I got my PhD, I got to overseas for training, for conferences, for meetings, for holidays. I also found my best friends. But, all this came with a price and more complications. We were expected to work 24/7. You get phone calls at night or on weekends for work matter etc. We were "not allowed" to discuss with our boss. We had a dictator, lab meetings were subordinates reporting to the boss, not a discussion between colleagues and supervisor on how to improve/troubleshoot. We seldom got praises, it was often yellings, shoutings and fear. That's how most of the students and postdocs were, they were living in fear. Now, fear brings further complications. The boss wants results, and she doesn't seem to care how the results were obtained. Therefore, I have seen some manipulations, outright lies, plagiarism. Yet, I can't voice it out, because that's how the shit worked in that lab. Arguing, and pointing out people who shit like that only got me in the black books of my boss. The politics, internal, external, were chaos, were frightening. Like when you speak to someone from another lab, people become suspicious, are you selling out information etc.. hahaha.. it was crap. Then came the matter of publications, if you have seen some of my rantings in this blog, you would know that is whole matter on itself. No doubt, we are given credit for what we do, but the author list and order may sometimes become unbearable. 

Basically, science itself is complicated - to find answer for questions leads only to more questions. But to work in science is altogether another complication - the politics, the hierarchic, the publications, the public relations. And to top all of that, is the meager salary we are paid to work 24/7, because no matter what you say, and how you can plan your work, if you are a scientist, you would have had the "pleasure" of staying back or coming in super early to make sure that time course experiment is going as planned. Not to mention, if you have to fight for the use of the hoods and thermal cyclers. 

if you read this, and if you are a scientist, you agree? 

New Year

Happy New Year!!!

A new year, what changes? Just the date needs to be written differently, and I have to remember to write as 1/1/16 instead of 1/1/15. This has been a continuous problem for me, it happens early in the year, but mostly at odd times anytime in the year. Maybe its the trigger of doing some things, that makes you write that particular year. Well, i wouldn't know....

Time flies, 3 months in, I am settling down. Adapting, learning the language etc..

Happy New Year!!!

Brain and Heart at War

sometimes i am at war with myself.

Really, I am a total introvert. I am anti-social. I really don't like standing on stage. I don't like meeting people for the first time. I am worse when at social functions, especially if I don't have a close friend to stick to.

Recently, I have been warring with myself as to whether to step out of the house or not. Would it better to go out and explore? or would it be better to be recluse and hide in my room and watch all the drama i can watch, read all the fanfictions that I can read. My heart says one thing, and my brain says another. And the heart and brain are also completely fickle, because they switch priorities and never do agree with each other.

I want to go out, I want to walk around the city, around the country. My brain mostly says it is no problem, I can do it, I can go wherever I want. And my heart knows brain is right, but heart is not completely in it. It doesn't like going around alone, walking the streets alone, not speaking the language, with no friends, no acquaintances, hate sitting in the cafe alone (although brain says people watching is fun), my heart is not up for this adventure. Then sometimes, its the complete opposite, the heart say yes, lets go, and when I step out of the house and walk around, brain becomes paranoid, and heart starts become mellow, and wants to just go back home.

So, under such circumstances, what should I do?

#BrainAndHeartAtWar #thoughts

Love yourself

Loving yourself is the most difficult thing to do.
What would expect from others if you cannot love yourself, more over even respect yourself?
I think when you love yourself, you are automatically respecting yourself, you are taking care of yourself, you are building your confidence, and then you are ready to love everyone else in the world, be it your family, friends and even foe.
But loving oneself is the most difficult thing, ain't it?

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

#thoughts

The look

You know how sometimes when you say like you like this singer or that actor or that band, people will give you "the look". The condescending look like how could you like this person/ thing/ song. Yeah, I am sure most have received that look. In fact I am sure that I myself have previously given the look to others. And when you receive that look, you'd be like (i) defending your fav or (ii) feeling embarrassed for not "keeping up to trend". I, unfortunately, fall in the second category. I get highly embarrassed and will never mention that ever again. Although that doesn't mean that I have stopped loving whatever is it I am loving. Over the years, I have kept a lot of my favorite artist/actor/idol locked up tight in my heart, not sharing with anyone except close friends ~but sometimes even the close friends are capable of hurting your likes and dislikes~ Now, I still keep them close in my heart, but it is not because I am embarrassed, its more like I couldn't be bothered to share with you if you continue to diss them, and it is not worth the heartache. We all have our reasons for liking (or disliking) someone or something, and if you are not agreeable, just respect the other peoples' choice!

So, to conclude let me share with you actor/singers/idols/band that I have loved throughout my life (and mind you, some of them I still love)

1. Tommy, my first love, from the Power Rangers (I know this is just a character, but still people look at me like, how old are you? you watched Power Rangers? etc. I love watching Tommy, and the other rangers as well, now and then I still watch old series on youtube)
2. Aragorn, my second love, from Lord of the Rings (Yeah, yeah, no one ever judges me for loving him or the Lord of the Rings. The movie is that awesome)
3. Gong Yoo, after coffee prince, it was not only the character, but the his acting skills in that drama, that made me fall for him, of course he is not perfect, some of his drama aren't that great, but he can act
4. Kamenashi Kazuya, from KAT-TUN. Honestly, I don't think I have ever liked anyone this much. I first saw him in a drama, his acting, his micro-emotions just had me done. From there, I grew to love KATTUN too. Now I love everyone from KATTUN. (Here is where I get the terrible look, its just another idol band, who can't sing, whose members can't act, and the list goes on. You know, no, you actually don't know, but its okay for you to not know, as long as you aren't coming to face, and insulting me and my taste.)\

Hahaha.. So that's all for today. Tune in sometime soon. Au revoir

My first story

I wrote my first story, I think I was 9/10 years old. It was written on pages torn out from the middle of my school notebook. I might have written about 15-20 pages of stuff that don't exactly remember writing, What I do remember, is feeling proud of completing this without it being an excuse for school. Something that I had always thought I would love to do. So, feeling accomplished, I gave 2 persons that I adore and love ~people whom I still love today~ to read. I remember being so nervous and anxious. Of course, after reading they were praising me, and saying it was well written and all the stuff you say to a child. But me being me, an overtly observant piece of shit, even at a young age, mostly deciphered their true feelings for my story just by their expression while they were reading. Their expression seemed to have said it all. Both of them looked surprised, worried, and  mildly disturbed. ~Now that I think of it, maybe the story was too adult for my age? Well, it contained kissing and stuff, which were at those days considered not suitable for children our age. However, with the exposure of TV (at that era), of course we were bound to find kissing all over our small screens~ Seeing their expression, I remember feeling terribly embarrassed, and useless and felt like I should never ever write anything more in my life. I think I kept up to this motto until senior high school. Until I had school assignments that required me to exchange diary-like essays with random classmates. ~I still have those stored in a box back home, and boy, they do bring back lots of memories~ From then I wrote, mostly for school assignments, then I wrote personal diaries ~of which I burnt at the end of the year, so stupid of me~ and then I started writing in blogs, I had a friendster account and a blog there ~unfortunately it has been wiped out~ so I lost most of my writings there. There I had gmail, which came with blogger, and I started writing here. It feels liberating at times to just write down things, and especially when I am upset, angry or lost. It is also fun to re-visit these old writings someday, and think back what the hell did I do on this day. I also dabble in some not very poetic writings ~I suck at that~. Nowadays I read a lot of fanfictions and there are some who are really really very good at writing, very imaginative, some of them make me cry, laugh, and get emotional along with their characters. But ever since ~my first story~, I have never attempted anything serious, I don;t think I can write very well anyway, and i am not that imaginative nor am i creative. I think my confidence took a serious beating even back then.

Moral of the story: Be mindful of how you treat children, not only with your words and gestures but also your expression towards them, Because cumulatively these will create a life long lasting impression of them. Impacting their behavior and attitude in work, life, and overall being a human.,,,

Moving to another country

Two months and a week ago, I moved to another country. This time it's for work. Before leaving, I was always asked whether I was getting excited to leave. But no, honestly I did not feel "excitement", I did not understand why either, because it has been a long, long dream of mine to go to another country, to experience life elsewhere, to travel around the world. But yet, when the time came, I did not feel excited. I was not reluctant, nor was I sad. It was more like, yeah, its about time, and I am just thankful, and at the same hesitant to leave my mum alone. Nevertheless, 2  and 1/2 months later I am here in my room far away from home typing this piece of shit out. 

Before I left, I was so tied down with getting my visa, where the embassy sort of gave me fucking hell lots of problem, shuffled here and there. I was thinking, shouldn't the embassy be more welcoming, shouldn't they be more helpful? But I know, the lady was just doing her job, and probably meant well (she didn't want me to get into any trouble with the city administration here). So, I only got my visa 2/3 weeks before I was scheduled to leave. And with only my visa and lodging in mind, I never did research about the country, nor the city I was gonna live in for the next two years. I came here totally unprepared, and unwilling of help from colleagues. Still, I managed, lugging behind me 40kg worth of stuff, I boarded the plane, and I realized 99% of the passengers were French speaking. At that moment, I realize I got myself in deep shit (haha). Still, I was not worried, sat beside a guy who looked like he wanted to talk to me for the whole journey, but I was faster, jamming the earphones, pulling up my hoodie, I practically retreated into my shell (the anti-social being I am). So, I watched movies, I ate, and I slept and only during the last leg of the journey, did the guy manage to speak to me, trying to find out everything he could. He didn't speak French, and spoke Dutch, but with his halting English, he actually was kind enough to guide me through the airport and immigration where I bade him farewell. 

Next, with my limited French (thanks, monsieur Point), I managed to find my way to the train station, bought a train ticket where the mademoiselle kindly told me that I had to switch trains at certain stops. The bag was a b***h to haul up and down the train. When I reach my switch stop, I got down from the train and realized that I didn't know which track to take my train from. I paced up and down, and found a fellow passenger from the east who was looking just as bewildered as I was. Despite being antisocial, I struck up a conversation and found out that he was meant to get off here but he doesn't know where the exit is. So, off we went to an adventure of finding an exit for him and then realized that there were 2 exits, and Mr. East was not sure where he was supposed to go. I couldn't accompany him anymore, so I bid him adieu and continued searching for the track I was supposed to on. I find a board detailing the trains and their tracks. And I found 2 heading to where I was supposed to go, they were just 5 minutes apart and on totally different tracks. Again, the shy and unpleasant me had to approach another kind soul who explained to me that both trains go there, it's just that they take different routes. She wants kind enough to help me search on her app, for which train will arrive my destination earliest, An off I go to my track, waiting patiently for the train to arrive. Suddenly a guy with as many luggage as I had, along with his guitar approach me and start speaking to me in French. I said no speak french, and he happily switched to English and asked me whether I could look after his luggage while he grabbed some food to eat. He even offered to grab me some (which I declined). So, I said sure, no problem and he was gone. 5 minutes, I was panicking, because I starting thinking too much, like what if he had drugs in luggage or something, and I was in a foreign country, and i was advised to not handle stranger's luggage...blah blah blah.. of course that was me overthinking and poof, he was back with a sandwich in his hands. And I found a conversation partner who helped me with my killer luggage and thought I was very brave to travelling alone to another country without speaking the language, and without any plans... 

Well, I was not brave, I am not brave now too.. I am just a scared little nerd who had always wanted to travel (when I was young I wanted to a pilot to travel around the world), and opportunity came, and I lunged at it. Seriously though, I managed to make to my lab, and to my temporary residence. And I, with minimal help, managed to find myself a decent little studio (with a bathtub~my favorite), get all administrative stuff sorted out. I was proud of myself. But I have not managed to make any new friends, a little bit saddening, but its alright, because I am at the age where i don't need many friends, just as long as I can keep in touch with my best friends, thats enough that makes me happy.

Okay

Its okay to cry, you know

Its okay to laugh

Its okay to snort

Its okay to fart

Its okay to burp

Its okay to be yourself

Its okay to love yourself

Its okay to love everyone else

But its not okay to hurt someone intentionally 

Its never okay to tear people up

Its not okay to insult or malicious tease others

So be a kind human

spread the love, stop the ill-will

may there one day be peace

Thank you

Hey there,

I have not updated anything new about myself recently, have I?

If you are reading this blog ~hahaha,.. I am pretty no one is~, then you must have seen my angry personal blogs and also some very random poetic attempts of mine.

I graduated last year, you know. Getting there was not an easy journey. First, I lost my dad before he even got a chance to know I was gonna do my PhD. Then my supervisor schedules my seminar 3 weeks after he dies. I was so frustrated at that time, couldn't get anything right, broke down at weirdest moment. Went to get superb drunk one night with my friend, ending puking in the toilet later. You know, I almost backed out of doing a phd. Then I thought to myself, what am i gonna do then? How am I gonna support my family, I have a mum and a younger sister who will be depending on me. I had 6 dogs at home that need to be fed. So, I decided to continue, to strive along, not give up and make my parents proud.

These 3 years, I had many travelling opportunities, I met great people, people whom still have place in my heart. I has great company and friends, but somewhere along the line, somewhere in 2014, there was a rift between me and my supervisor. It all started with my thesis, although I had finished writing and given her for correction, she told me that  I need that 2 publication (which mind you, I already had), and don't need to submit my thesis until the paper which was just sent for revision was accepted. I was so angry, because she had no problem with my thesis, everything was done well, i had all the necessities to submit my thesis, but for some reason, she just didn't want me to do so. I should have left then, should have listened to my mum. But no, I was too naive, too stupid, too kind-hearted because later when she begged me to not leave her lab after I completed my thesis, i stayed. And hell broke loose in September 2014. I think I have never felt that abused in my whole life. I have felt as used as I was for the 6 months that i was there. I lost my self confidence, I lost my esteem, I lost all good memories that I had of that place. I was broken, I hit rock bottom, and remained there until the line was crossed, where I was accused to be a lousy teacher. I left. And i think that was one of the best decision I made in my whole life, I would be jobless for the next few months, but I regained myself. I became happier, I was smiling sincerely once more, I lived without fear and humiliation.

But you know, all through this diversity, I had my mum and the memory of my dad, my aunt, my sisters, my brother-in-law, my niece, my 2 good friends who walked every step with me. Some who cried with me, some that made me laugh openly, some who were silently suffering together with me. You know, without them I really really wouldn't have survived these years. I wouldn't be here now.

So despite being late for this year's thanksgiving, I want thank god for all of you who have been the pillar of my life. Thank you all for being here and there, still being here and there for me. Thank you for everything, every memory, every tear, every smile, every gift, every time spent. I love you all

Random

Topic 1
There are days when I just wanna give up. Today is one of them. Actually I take that back, I have been feeling like this since last Thursday. Nothing complicated has happened, yet it feels like every single thing is complicated and the whole universe together is conspiring against me. Now, I wish this feeling to go away, shoo shoo go away and never come back again.

Topic 2
Time flies, doesn't it? Extremely fast. I left my job at the end of March. And before I know it, it is already end of August. In a months time, I will be spreading my and flying away. I spent 5 months, not working in the lab but elsewhere, working at home, learning new skills- plumbing, tiling, repairing, spending time with my darlings (Amma and my sweetheart). I feel refreshed, and I am ready for another adventure.

Leaving

I pack my bag and boxes
I empty drawers, discarding the unwanted
I open fridge, decanting the old
I struggle with the freezers, getting frostbites, throwing what was mine
As I near the last day
I feel pain, pain of leaving,
pain of being treated like a misfit. like useless piece of shit
when you have sacrificed years of effort, tears, sweat and blood
mind and brain power, hours of sight

But as this door closes, another opens
I am not going to dwell on the closed one any longer,
I am searching for my opened door

Thank you and goodbye

Hurt

I think if I talk to anyone now about the shit I am going through at work, I think I will be crying uncontrollably because everything hurts.

Food and knowledge

My parents taught me some very important things in life, one of them being 

"Don't be selfish with your food and knowledge"

Share your food and always prioritize other people's hunger than your own, giving them whatever/ however little you have with you. I try to do that, I try my best, but sometimes when I see some people, especially the ones who come and eats and doesn't give a damn about whether others have eaten, I really really feel like I want to hide my food away. Store it away, hide it away, don't let them see because they are really greedy with no conscience at all. But then my mother is very smart and she knows her daughter very well, and she knows who these people are, and she will scold me before I have even done anything. She says its okay, don't become like them and stoop to their level, its okay its okay, karma will bite them in their ass. So I am still okay with sharing/giving my food away.

Now, knowledge is other hand a very different thing. From young I have been taught to share my knowledge. Attending my primary school however taught me that not everyone is as generous with their knowledge, There are some sneaky assholes that go around "acquiring" knowledge from everybody else but when they are asked for some "knowledge" in return or otherwise, they will say "I don't know" or "I am not smart" or "I also don't understand". Then during the exams they go and score a million marks, with their smug little smirks. These people pisses me off and I have learnt to share my knowledge with those who do not fall into that criteria. There is also another category of people that pisses me off, those who do not make any effort to learn at all. Always expecting some spoon-feeding, to give them all the answers to the universe. Unfortunately, I can't stand people like that either.

I fail in following my parents teachings, and I can justify this as my survival in this fucked up world!!