Unhappy

I am beginning to think that I suck at a being a person.
I am frustrated living here, I have no problem with my work and work is pretty fine.
But I don't have any friends. My colleagues are super unfriendly, they only speak french and mingle among themselves. If they tell a joke, and all of them are laughing, they don't bother to tell us. If there is something going on, bad or good, everything is hush hush. That includes my boss as well. Everyday, I go to work, do my work and sit at my desk. I buy lunch and have it at my desk. The only friendly person I have encountered is the lady at the cafeteria who sells me my food. This is beginning to get to me. I feel unhappy to be in this state. Then I go to french class. Everyone is friendly and all, at least in class. But most of them have cliques and other friends. I never get invited out for drinks or anything basically. Today, the girl I thought who could be my friend, said she hated me and called me a bitch. I don't even know whether she was joking and she meant it. Seriously. there must be something wrong with me. I know I am an introvert and most of the time I don't mind being alone. But this is too much and before this place I have had people to be friends with (who still are my friends), people who loved me (still loves me). This place is sucking my happiness away from me. I used to smile a lot, even when I am sad. Now, sometimes I can't even bring myself to smile anymore. I tell myself, I am strong, I am okay, I am doing just fine, to lift my head up and walk proudly because I am perfect in the way I am, Then I cry while walking home (alone).

Moving to another country

Two months and a week ago, I moved to another country. This time it's for work. Before leaving, I was always asked whether I was getting excited to leave. But no, honestly I did not feel "excitement", I did not understand why either, because it has been a long, long dream of mine to go to another country, to experience life elsewhere, to travel around the world. But yet, when the time came, I did not feel excited. I was not reluctant, nor was I sad. It was more like, yeah, its about time, and I am just thankful, and at the same hesitant to leave my mum alone. Nevertheless, 2  and 1/2 months later I am here in my room far away from home typing this piece of shit out. 

Before I left, I was so tied down with getting my visa, where the embassy sort of gave me fucking hell lots of problem, shuffled here and there. I was thinking, shouldn't the embassy be more welcoming, shouldn't they be more helpful? But I know, the lady was just doing her job, and probably meant well (she didn't want me to get into any trouble with the city administration here). So, I only got my visa 2/3 weeks before I was scheduled to leave. And with only my visa and lodging in mind, I never did research about the country, nor the city I was gonna live in for the next two years. I came here totally unprepared, and unwilling of help from colleagues. Still, I managed, lugging behind me 40kg worth of stuff, I boarded the plane, and I realized 99% of the passengers were French speaking. At that moment, I realize I got myself in deep shit (haha). Still, I was not worried, sat beside a guy who looked like he wanted to talk to me for the whole journey, but I was faster, jamming the earphones, pulling up my hoodie, I practically retreated into my shell (the anti-social being I am). So, I watched movies, I ate, and I slept and only during the last leg of the journey, did the guy manage to speak to me, trying to find out everything he could. He didn't speak French, and spoke Dutch, but with his halting English, he actually was kind enough to guide me through the airport and immigration where I bade him farewell. 

Next, with my limited French (thanks, monsieur Point), I managed to find my way to the train station, bought a train ticket where the mademoiselle kindly told me that I had to switch trains at certain stops. The bag was a b***h to haul up and down the train. When I reach my switch stop, I got down from the train and realized that I didn't know which track to take my train from. I paced up and down, and found a fellow passenger from the east who was looking just as bewildered as I was. Despite being antisocial, I struck up a conversation and found out that he was meant to get off here but he doesn't know where the exit is. So, off we went to an adventure of finding an exit for him and then realized that there were 2 exits, and Mr. East was not sure where he was supposed to go. I couldn't accompany him anymore, so I bid him adieu and continued searching for the track I was supposed to on. I find a board detailing the trains and their tracks. And I found 2 heading to where I was supposed to go, they were just 5 minutes apart and on totally different tracks. Again, the shy and unpleasant me had to approach another kind soul who explained to me that both trains go there, it's just that they take different routes. She wants kind enough to help me search on her app, for which train will arrive my destination earliest, An off I go to my track, waiting patiently for the train to arrive. Suddenly a guy with as many luggage as I had, along with his guitar approach me and start speaking to me in French. I said no speak french, and he happily switched to English and asked me whether I could look after his luggage while he grabbed some food to eat. He even offered to grab me some (which I declined). So, I said sure, no problem and he was gone. 5 minutes, I was panicking, because I starting thinking too much, like what if he had drugs in luggage or something, and I was in a foreign country, and i was advised to not handle stranger's luggage...blah blah blah.. of course that was me overthinking and poof, he was back with a sandwich in his hands. And I found a conversation partner who helped me with my killer luggage and thought I was very brave to travelling alone to another country without speaking the language, and without any plans... 

Well, I was not brave, I am not brave now too.. I am just a scared little nerd who had always wanted to travel (when I was young I wanted to a pilot to travel around the world), and opportunity came, and I lunged at it. Seriously though, I managed to make to my lab, and to my temporary residence. And I, with minimal help, managed to find myself a decent little studio (with a bathtub~my favorite), get all administrative stuff sorted out. I was proud of myself. But I have not managed to make any new friends, a little bit saddening, but its alright, because I am at the age where i don't need many friends, just as long as I can keep in touch with my best friends, thats enough that makes me happy.

Thank you

Hey there,

I have not updated anything new about myself recently, have I?

If you are reading this blog ~hahaha,.. I am pretty no one is~, then you must have seen my angry personal blogs and also some very random poetic attempts of mine.

I graduated last year, you know. Getting there was not an easy journey. First, I lost my dad before he even got a chance to know I was gonna do my PhD. Then my supervisor schedules my seminar 3 weeks after he dies. I was so frustrated at that time, couldn't get anything right, broke down at weirdest moment. Went to get superb drunk one night with my friend, ending puking in the toilet later. You know, I almost backed out of doing a phd. Then I thought to myself, what am i gonna do then? How am I gonna support my family, I have a mum and a younger sister who will be depending on me. I had 6 dogs at home that need to be fed. So, I decided to continue, to strive along, not give up and make my parents proud.

These 3 years, I had many travelling opportunities, I met great people, people whom still have place in my heart. I has great company and friends, but somewhere along the line, somewhere in 2014, there was a rift between me and my supervisor. It all started with my thesis, although I had finished writing and given her for correction, she told me that  I need that 2 publication (which mind you, I already had), and don't need to submit my thesis until the paper which was just sent for revision was accepted. I was so angry, because she had no problem with my thesis, everything was done well, i had all the necessities to submit my thesis, but for some reason, she just didn't want me to do so. I should have left then, should have listened to my mum. But no, I was too naive, too stupid, too kind-hearted because later when she begged me to not leave her lab after I completed my thesis, i stayed. And hell broke loose in September 2014. I think I have never felt that abused in my whole life. I have felt as used as I was for the 6 months that i was there. I lost my self confidence, I lost my esteem, I lost all good memories that I had of that place. I was broken, I hit rock bottom, and remained there until the line was crossed, where I was accused to be a lousy teacher. I left. And i think that was one of the best decision I made in my whole life, I would be jobless for the next few months, but I regained myself. I became happier, I was smiling sincerely once more, I lived without fear and humiliation.

But you know, all through this diversity, I had my mum and the memory of my dad, my aunt, my sisters, my brother-in-law, my niece, my 2 good friends who walked every step with me. Some who cried with me, some that made me laugh openly, some who were silently suffering together with me. You know, without them I really really wouldn't have survived these years. I wouldn't be here now.

So despite being late for this year's thanksgiving, I want thank god for all of you who have been the pillar of my life. Thank you all for being here and there, still being here and there for me. Thank you for everything, every memory, every tear, every smile, every gift, every time spent. I love you all