Blah

How to lose contact with (onced) loved ones manual 101.

Haha...

when the relationship starts feeling like a one-sided affair, only one hand clapping thin air, when you feel like you are the only one making an effort or trying to keep in touch, or you are just tired of being the first to reach out any more, its time to let go. to let it all go. and you just stop communicating full stop

Anyway what cheery thoughts for the first day of CNY.

its when you are sick you realize how truly alone you are.
Friends treat it like a joke
Mom treats it like you are about to die
sometimes its good to not tell anyone
sometimes its just so painful you want to yell at everyone

but yeah, so what, you are sick. and life goes on.

one stray thought

Just one niggling stray thought
bringing an onslaught self hatred and self destruction. why, even self pity.

Happy new year

ugly truth or ...

an uncomfortable encounter
standing between 2 people and chopping bones
whilst they go on about working in an obesity clinic
and fat-shaming the people who went there for help
6 packets of biscuits
10 yards to bus stop as exercise
while i stand between them in close proximity
while i who for my whole life have never been anything other than fat
dear lord

treacherous

what is wrong with me? something must be wrong... since when did i loathe myself? how long how have i been harboring thia hatred towards myself? simce when did i become self-deprecating? what? how did i let my self hate get this bad? did it seep in? thought by thought ?

Get lost!!! this is not what i am like...
get lost!!!!

Changes

We all change, don't we? As you grow older, circumstances change, feelings change, people move on, life goes on.. we should never expect life to be the same. Many a times, friends become busy, friends make new friends, the time you meet up become so little. you start wondering if things could ever be like those days. In the end nevertheless you die alone, so might as well learn to live alone.

Lost identity

Lately, I have been feeling lost. It feels like I have lost a part of my identity. Its like I don't know myself anymore. I have no motivation, no desire, no passion for anything. When I look at other people, they have hobbies, things they like to do, sewing, cooking, dancing etc.. while i just sit here and rot myself away. compared to 7 years ago, I am but a meagre of myself.. i used to be bubbling with self confidence, and curiousity, now its like the complete opposite.. somehow it feels like I have died inside.

dancing all by yourself

your whole life, you have danced alone.
on this stage all by yourself.
you are so comfortable in your space.
the music is all yours.
the beat controls your movement.
you dont follow no one
coz the rhythm comes to you.
you do as you wish
you sway as you want.
you are not perfect
but the stage is all yours.
you are drowning in it
but only in joy you drown you dance you move.
unknowingly capturing the eyes of many.
you are not used to that
because in real life no one pays you any attention.
but they do on this stage
some with malicious intentions
some with wonder
some just wanna join you in having fun

but you
you have danced all by yourself all your life
you do not know how to sync with another
you do not understand how some songs are meant for two
you do not feel comfortable when someone steps in your bubble
so you apologize
or you fight

its okay darling
just go on being you
just keep on dancing alone
one day you will find someone who learns what moves you
then may you find your dance partner

realization

when you realize that you have no self-esteem, self-confidence at all. when you realize that you have been putting on a facade. when you realize that you are nothing but a coward. when you realize all these you realize how broken you truly are, you realize that you may never find happiness, you realize that you do not have a direction in life. and when this is realized you will feel pain, and wonder what went wrong, and the fact is you will never know. you will just keep pretending,  pretending nothing in this world can hurt you, pretending that everything is okay, keep putting on a smile and swallowing every hurt hurled at you. Its okay.. you will numb sooner or later.. then everything is okay..

foolishness of the heart
i should have let you go
or i should have walked away
lest we feel the way we do right now
my heart is full doubt
not about you never about you
its i i doubt, its i
i never did love myself
you are so generous with love
i think it may all be gone
sooner or later you will find out
the real me the monster i am
i will tear you down
i will wear you down
i am capable of all that and more
except for loving me myself like i should
my love my sweetheart my one
i do not want you to see me thus
unfortunately you sneaked in
and you are caught in my web
i just want you happy
i just want me happy
so if you are any smarter
leave while you can
before i turn you into me
oh, my dear sweet one
oh the foolishness of our heart

Don't turn out like me

okay. whenever i hear this "you are going to turn out like her.", it breaks my heart. what is so bad about me. But its okay go ahead and keep saying that to your daughters. and while you keep telling them not to become fat like I am, don't forget to tell them also to NOT become smart like me, NOT to become filial like me, NOT to become an independent lady like I am. No, all you can see is the outer me, thats all you can see and that reflects your shallow-mindedness, you okay, i will be okay, and i will move one from your harmful words, but don forget you are just breeding another shallowminded one like you are.

stopnodontstop

stophogging
stopdrappingyourselfalloverme
stopbreathingdownmyneck
stopjuststop

lovemylove
stoppushingmeaway
stoppretendingyoudontlikethis
stopputtingupthisbarrier

darlingohmydarling
yesyesyesohyouknowmesowell
yesyesyesdontstop
dontyoudarestop

i must have done something really bad in my past life
i have so much to pay back
i have to live to serve
i have to hear unjust even though i live my life for them
i really must have done something very very bad in my past life

Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas!!!

Haven't written for a long time, have I?

I have been melancholy, wondering about my purpose in life..

I work I eat I sleep I work I eat I sleep

I don't have family here, I don't have friends here. But I guess its part and parcel of life.

Usually I am not affected, but since its Christmas, a time where everyone gathers family, friends, lovers, children, cousins, colleagues. So I guess I am human after all. Been thinking that I must have been turned into a robot or something, with the way I live my life.

Anyway, have a merry Christmas and a blessed New Year

sleepless

Sometimes I lie here, unable to sleep because thoughts just keep going back and forth in my head. i dont want to think too much. but i cant stop myself. i am weird generally, on the outer layer, i am strong, cold, harsh, inpenetrable, stubborn. but inside i worry a lot.

you know, if you have been reading my blog since long ago, you would know that my family is very important to me. So when something happens i get worried, i cannot sleep. most of the time, i am the one telling my mom to not worry, everything will work out because thats what i want to believe in. but at night when you are alone, everything resurfaces. it makes me worried.

to the person involved, if you are reading this: how can i help you, if you dont help yourself... on one hand i want to help you but on the other hand i dont want to help you. i understand (no i dont understand and i cannot even remotedly imagine how you felt) you are broken, by someone whom you were bound to, someone whom you love. you could have handled this better, trusted someone to tell them about this, and solved it another way instead you took the road where you hurt yourself, you damaged yourself, and slowly that toxic spread to your family. you should have been firmer in your strength and resolution, you should have left with dignity, and not as you are now. not in way you are now. what you are doing now is highly despicable, not for yourself only, but everyone else involved (and there are many involved). i wished you were less selfish, open your eyes and see that you are not the only one suffering. i want to help you, but i think the only way for me to help you is to let you be. you need to learn to be independent, to learn the harsh reality of life (which you have been pretty cocooned), to rebuild yourself, to find your way and strength and self confidence again. I am sorry, i really am, i cannot do more, but i still cannot forgive what you are doing now (but that doesnt matter, does it). so when you think you have found your way and you have become yourself again, come find me!

Belong

Almost all of us want to belong somewhere, be it with a single person or with a crowd.
But, somehow this is not where i belong. This workplace is not somewhere i can belong, not even be a part of it. Its frustrating when you can't fit in, even though you have tried. When this is the "coldest"place i have ever been to, no one talks to the foreign one unless a question is asked. But they talk amongst themselves in a language i am yet to grasp. When my boss is speaking to everyone in a language neither me nor the other foreign one understands, it pisses me off more. Makes me put on my earphones, blast my music, because it hurts to not feel belonged.
Well, i shall just bear with it, its only another one and half year...

I would have loved to have a perfect family, but then again nothing is perfect.
I would like to say my family is broken, but that's not true when you compare to people who come really broken ones
Maybe I would say there is no harmony in my family. Every time we gather, so somewhat gather, there will be a fight, involving some tears, some shouting, some yelling... and I hate when things become that erratic.
But the worse part of all, is i can't do anything to make it better.
And to see your mom sad, to see her cry, to know in her heart she probably feels like she is just troubling of us all, and at the same time an outsider in her own family, it breaks my heart.
I want to make her happy, something I couldn't do for my dad. But happiness doesn't come from me having money and bringing her around the world. Happiness for her is to see her daughters' happiness, her granddaughter's happiness. And I can't make her happy in that sense, because there are my sisters, and they would have to feel the same. I am not perfect, i have hurt my mom again and again, many times, not only in the past but also recently. But i try to not, because she is all i have left. because if she is not there anymore, I won't have anyone, not my sisters who have their own life, not my relatives, not even my friends. But I just can't seem to make her happy, just like I failed to make my father happy;
Why is having an harmonious family like an impossible mission? Why....

Unhappy

I am beginning to think that I suck at a being a person.
I am frustrated living here, I have no problem with my work and work is pretty fine.
But I don't have any friends. My colleagues are super unfriendly, they only speak french and mingle among themselves. If they tell a joke, and all of them are laughing, they don't bother to tell us. If there is something going on, bad or good, everything is hush hush. That includes my boss as well. Everyday, I go to work, do my work and sit at my desk. I buy lunch and have it at my desk. The only friendly person I have encountered is the lady at the cafeteria who sells me my food. This is beginning to get to me. I feel unhappy to be in this state. Then I go to french class. Everyone is friendly and all, at least in class. But most of them have cliques and other friends. I never get invited out for drinks or anything basically. Today, the girl I thought who could be my friend, said she hated me and called me a bitch. I don't even know whether she was joking and she meant it. Seriously. there must be something wrong with me. I know I am an introvert and most of the time I don't mind being alone. But this is too much and before this place I have had people to be friends with (who still are my friends), people who loved me (still loves me). This place is sucking my happiness away from me. I used to smile a lot, even when I am sad. Now, sometimes I can't even bring myself to smile anymore. I tell myself, I am strong, I am okay, I am doing just fine, to lift my head up and walk proudly because I am perfect in the way I am, Then I cry while walking home (alone).

happily ever after (not)

"Happily ever after" in storybooks don't exist
You just overcame the first hurdle in life,
and it is only gonna get rough and tough
because you no longer are a single person
you have to share, live together with someone
in a closed up space, for a long time,
you can't be happily ever after
you will have disagreements, misunderstandings
you will be bored, you will go grow tired,
you will be feel unloved, you will have children
you will then less time, then no time,
you will fight, you will bicker, you will get on each other's nerve

but you should also be able to find a way through it all
if you want to, if you both still love and respect each other, find a way through it all
and if there is a need to separate, please do
please do not stay in abusive relationships, be it mentally, physically or even emotionally

so, don't end the story with a happily ever after. because shit happens.

#happyeverafterdontexist

Working in science? The complication piece

The complications in science. 

When I was a bachelor's student, it was much easier. I just had to read and pass my exams. Then I got to my final year, I had a dissertation to do which involved research and stuff. At that point of my life, the only complications that I faced include shortage of reagents. materials, unfriendly.unhelpful seniors aka postgraduate students, making the experiments work, trying to figure out what I am meant to write, boss being a little bias. But that was it.

Then I moved on to work in research, started out a research assistant, with the thought that I had found the field I love. Its true, I did find something I love, still love and am still doing. But I had to grow up. 

Here, when I was working in this particular lab, when you are a research assistant or a postgraduate, you are just "hands and legs". I am really re-quoting the second in command (current boss), that's what he said to our face. You guys just do the work, no need to think. That may sound like an easy job. But we are in the field not to just to the work. The way he said it, it sounded like we did not have the capability to think, and we were stupid. Condescending, that's what I would describe those words. People working in that lab, even for many years rarely published, because it was all hoarded by the superiors. Mostly, we didn't think much of it, because those days, I was still naive, still believed in the good of people. We were also "brainwashed" to think that we aren't capable certain levels, and were made full use of. But its okay, because I had fun, I liked the job, I had good colleagues.

Then, I moved back home, to another lab. I had to start below. That is to be expected, because hierarchic is very important in my country. You pay respect to your seniors, and everyone else you were there earlier then you. In this lab, I had lots of good things happen. I got my PhD, I got to overseas for training, for conferences, for meetings, for holidays. I also found my best friends. But, all this came with a price and more complications. We were expected to work 24/7. You get phone calls at night or on weekends for work matter etc. We were "not allowed" to discuss with our boss. We had a dictator, lab meetings were subordinates reporting to the boss, not a discussion between colleagues and supervisor on how to improve/troubleshoot. We seldom got praises, it was often yellings, shoutings and fear. That's how most of the students and postdocs were, they were living in fear. Now, fear brings further complications. The boss wants results, and she doesn't seem to care how the results were obtained. Therefore, I have seen some manipulations, outright lies, plagiarism. Yet, I can't voice it out, because that's how the shit worked in that lab. Arguing, and pointing out people who shit like that only got me in the black books of my boss. The politics, internal, external, were chaos, were frightening. Like when you speak to someone from another lab, people become suspicious, are you selling out information etc.. hahaha.. it was crap. Then came the matter of publications, if you have seen some of my rantings in this blog, you would know that is whole matter on itself. No doubt, we are given credit for what we do, but the author list and order may sometimes become unbearable. 

Basically, science itself is complicated - to find answer for questions leads only to more questions. But to work in science is altogether another complication - the politics, the hierarchic, the publications, the public relations. And to top all of that, is the meager salary we are paid to work 24/7, because no matter what you say, and how you can plan your work, if you are a scientist, you would have had the "pleasure" of staying back or coming in super early to make sure that time course experiment is going as planned. Not to mention, if you have to fight for the use of the hoods and thermal cyclers. 

if you read this, and if you are a scientist, you agree?