None like him

Another 6 days, it would be a month since I lost him

Sometimes it feels like he has just taken for another overseas job

(and its easier to think of it like that)

then I remember he won't ever come back,

I wouldn't be seeing a physical manifestation of him anymore

it breaks my heart, it breaks all of our hearts

Sometimes I am just assaulted by memories

many many memories of him

the other i drove past the bus stop,

and i remembered the day we had a flat tyre and with his sickness

he still insisted on changing the tyre, and not letting me do it

(now, who is going to change the tyre for me?)

When i take the bus to work, and all along the federal highway

all I think of is the days, he or Amma drove him to work in Subang

and all this while he was sick while he was fighting his cancer

and just because with my salary, there was no way to support the family

and when i think of this, i feel regretful that till the end of his days

i could never have done enough for him

I could not give him the best that he deserves

I could not repay him all the things he had done for us (from the very beginning)

And when we run out gas, we still don't know how to change the knob

(although he taught me many times, i keep forgetting),

but with no one to pamper us that, I remember it clearly now

And no ones there to cut the tree, change the bulb,

no one watches the favorite channels of his, discovery, science, history, animal planet and whatnot

no one to wait me up in the living room when i come back late in the night

no one who i can bite his face and irritate him with my saliva all over his face

no one to sit in the kennel and play with the puppies

no one who be as strong as my father (even when he was sick)

No matter what i write here, it would never be sufficient to express how much I miss him

No matter what we go through daily life, I don't think any of us (Amma and us) will ever go a day without thinking and missing him

No matter how we pretend that we are fine, and all smiles, each of us carry one big hole in our hearts

because he took it when he left us forever

16 April 2012

20th October 1952, he took his first breath

16th April 2012, he took his last breath

Three days ago, I lost the best man of my life, my father.

His last breath was shared among people whom he loved dearly and those who loved him just as equally much. He spent the last few minutes, in prayers, and chants, and love.

He spent his last 5 days in the hospital, embroiled in pain, without being able to speak, eat or drink.

He spent the last 3 years of his life battling cancer, with frequent visits to hospitals and shrines and temples.

He spent 28 years of his life, working hard, raising the three of us, making sure we had food, drink, a roof, transportation, clothes, and every other luxury he could afford. All for us and nothing less. But most of all, he gave us the love that could never surpass anyone else in the world (besides my mother), and that has shaped us into what we are today.

He spent 39 years of his life, in love with my mother. 10 years before marriage and 29 after. He spent these years loving her in his very own ways.

And on the 16th of April 2012, this man left us, to a better place where sufferings cease, and hopefully he is happier no matter where he is.

My dear Appa, thank you for all that you have done, everything you have given, every minute that you spent with us, for all the love you showered us. Thank you.

We will miss you.

Work Trip

Went on a trip last week

To a rich country

Where foreign cars are rampant

houses in own plots and being bungalows

and drivers are the ones picking up children after school

and maids to do the work

No bikes nor any public transportation

mosques made of gold

clean city even with the lack of bins

people are friendly

and they seem to like sweet food

and meat (not that much of vege)

All in all, it was a tiring trip across the sea

But it was worth it all

Cause we had experience things we'd never have done otherwise

So time to plan for next year

Thanks

Tomorrow (Today) is my birthday!!!

Yeah, congrats!!!

Haha, me going crazy!!!

This post is dedicated to my mum and dad (and my sisters)

Without Appa and Amma, I wouldn't be here today,

so THANK YOU for meeting, and falling in love and deciding to stick to each other (when faced opposition by your parents) for 9 years before getting married and bringing me first to this world.

THANK YOU for your patience, hard work, dedication, love and motivation (and also the whackings, and scoldings and nagging and punishments), I wouldn't be who I am today (and I'd like to think I have grown up well)

THANK YOU for your support (in every single way, mentally, physically, emotionally, financially), I couldn't have achieved what I have achieved, and the more that I have to achieve in the future

THANK YOU for understanding and for your forgiveness for all the times I rebelled, acting out of my league, talked back, lied and made you guys unhappy.

THANK YOU for teaching right and wrong, for accepting me as I am (although you guys always want me to lose weight), with my faults and rights.

THANK YOU will never be enough in this lifetime to show/convey my gratitude to the both of you, because the love you guys gave us surplus everything else.

So THANK YOU!!! and LOVE you guys

Anxiety

Anxiety

What's this anxiety I'm feeling

This nagging little feeling

This uneasiness that lingers

no matter what I do today

No matter how I joke around

or how I seem to enjoy the company of good friends

This feeling of anxiety

seems to be eating me away

and literally leaving me nauseated

What is WRONG with me?

How can I get rid of this feeling?