"Ignorance"

I realized that people never liked to confront issues as they are, when they can. Everyone just closes their eyes and make as if the issue did not happen. Probably because ignorance is a bliss??

No one talks or tries to solve things amicably... Everything is shoved inside a closet, and when the closet gets a little too full, you can definitely expect a volcanic eruption. I hate seeing this happen, and always wonder will I also one day become like this. Become someone who never addresses the issue when I can, so that I will have peaceful nights of sleep??? I try to solve issues, but what if my partner refuses to participate, won't I be clapping single handedly? Perhaps it is better to just be blissfully "ignorant"??? HA HA ... I guess I will never know

Bleak and dark

This situation is pretty bleak...what i see in front of me is pretty bleak and dark, with streaks of sliver linings here there, but will the sun come out in the near future? Or is it gonna get darker and darker???

Today I borrowed money again, from mum for transportation. When I was 25years and below, I never owed anyone money, when I become 26, I started to owe people money. YP, people from Jane’s lab, Mira, Vaani , YQ and those uncountable people who have lent my family money without any problems. I hate owing people money, I hate that I have to borrow to pay this and that, I hate it that I have to pay my tuition fees by borrowing people’s money, It keeps adding up, again and again, when can I pay back them all back. I don’t want to be a person in debt. that I am really sorry to all the people I have borrowed from, I am really sorry that I can’t pay back now, but I will keep a record and I will pay back when its time. Most of all, I am really sorry to my parents, sorry that I can’t even support you all at the age of 27 years old. Can’t put food on the table, can’t make u all rest at the age u all are supposed to rest, have to make my sick father work, and my poor mother so worried. So sorry because I can’t pay for my sister’s tuition, can’t buy her books, can’t give her money to go out. Sorry cause I can’t help my other sister study, when she wants to study.

I hate that I have to lie to stop spending whatever i have in my pocket for food, although my stomach is so hungry and i could die of hunger, so that i have enough money for transportation. I hate having to stand outside the shop and think, what is the cheapest food that I can have and keep me going for the rest of the day. I hate saying that I am on a diet, when it's really because I have no money to eat at all and watch everyone else devour their food. I hate that I can't tell all this to anyone without them feeling sympathy for me and trying to help, by buying me food or lending me money, I hate this because I don want your money or your sympathy but to understand my situation and not bring me anywhere anymore, because I really can't afford it. As much as you are trying to help me, all I end up is being more in debt, which I will not know how to dig myself out one day, as much as I can understand all you meant was to help me....

Really, all I see again is myself is that dark area, with really so few silver linings... I worry I might not be able to search my way out ever again.

Someone asked me, why am i so addicted to korean dramas?

I guess many addicts like me would say:

1) so many handsome (flower or non flower) boys and man

2) funny and heart tugging stories

I was no a big movie/drama watcher, the most i used to watch was the weekly Macgyver series, CSI, NCSI, Criminal Minds, so on. Even when I used to watch korean dramas those days (winter sonata, autumn in my heart) I never really got addicted. So, why today I am labelled as a korean drama addict?

I don't think it's merely the actors or the story itself, it's more than that, it is what connects with me. What feels like it has everything to do with me. The truth I don watch all korean dramas, but just a selectively few ones that I watch repetitiously. in fact, the first drama I ever got addicted to was not a korean drama, it was a latin drama "yo soy betty la fea". It was one drama that hit very close to home. At that age, suffering from low esteem, I felt like Betty, the ugly one, everyday I had to sit and watch her grow, watch her pain, because most of the times I felt like that. With Betty, I had hope perhaps one day someone would love me for who I am and not what I look like.

Then, there was a gap where I hardly got addicted to anything. Until, one day when I turned 24, I watched "coffee prince". Again, the theme was about the same, it gave me hope. But I grew wiser, I knew that happy endings only happen in books and movies and dramas, not in real life. So, I just watched because the actors and the actresses did an excellent job at acting.

At 25, when I suffered from loneliness, and a period of so much confusion, heartache, pain, and so much of the unknown, I become officially addicted to korean dramas. They were the ones who got rid of my misery and unhappiness. I watched for hours and hours, with my pillow and blanket, a bowl of noodles, a cup of milo, a tin of biscuits, locked up in my room, watching and rewatching the dramas that made me laugh, again and again. There is one in particular, " You're beautiful", a sensational hit around the world, that really captured me, just because that was when i was truly lost and in pain. I hid myself into their world, a world where there was Hwang taeKyung, and I only. Until today, I still have to thank Jang Geun Suk-shi for that time, because i would have collapsed without him (of course, there were my friends and family as well). But my point is that the drama became my fantasy land, whenever I had problems, issues, all i needed to do was to switch on my laptop and watch those I love. Immediately, I was transported into a world without pain, without hurt.

These days, I still watch k-dramas, not as addicted as I was last two years, but I choose what I watch, only watching those that are funny and interesting. I still wait for the latest episodes to be uploaded, watching with chinese subs first, then with english subs. But no where near to the craziness i felt two years ago.

So, will I ever leave K-dramas to themselves and spend more quality time with people I love? I guess not, btw, i only spend like 16hours (not even a day) watching the whole drama!!!

Worried

I am worried now. What if I don't get either of the scholarship, because seems like they are not calling me for the internal one. So left only the external one, and if I don make that, then how? Then what do I do? In April, I have no more income then how? I don have Gras also. How la?

now i am all bingung, if it doesn't work out, should I just quit midway, or maybe I should not register at all? Oh dear God, is this another one of your test? How many more are you gonna give me? How much longer are you gonna test me? Have I done so much mistakes in my past, that I have to pay so much back? my heart feels like a heavy stone pressed on it, my eyes never seem to be dry, my wheels up there, never cease to slow down, my whole body feels weak. What if I fail them, no, I will not fail them. Anything can to me, maybe I will not be studying, but as long as i am healthy, I will work to not fail them, if that is what it takes.

I must be stupid, right? what's the point of studying hard, what's the meaning of that paper, when I can't keep my loved ones happy? What I am doing? What the hell am I doing? What? :'(

numb

Why do I feel blank, numb?

I don't know how to describe this feeling.

Where do I even begin?

When will it ever end?

This numbness, seeping into my tiny cells,

Sending my mind blank

All i see sometimes is what i do and what i am going to do next

Don't have any hope or aspirations

Did I lose all my confidence alongside my ambitions

When the road I took, decide it would set hurdles

Not any hurdles, but life altering barriers

Along this road, it seems i have lost directions

Lost my sense directions, lost in the woods I am

I am still walking on this road, because it is the road set for me

but I hope I would not lose my soul

As I trudge alone on this empty street

because then life would be meaningles