Worried

I am worried now. What if I don't get either of the scholarship, because seems like they are not calling me for the internal one. So left only the external one, and if I don make that, then how? Then what do I do? In April, I have no more income then how? I don have Gras also. How la?

now i am all bingung, if it doesn't work out, should I just quit midway, or maybe I should not register at all? Oh dear God, is this another one of your test? How many more are you gonna give me? How much longer are you gonna test me? Have I done so much mistakes in my past, that I have to pay so much back? my heart feels like a heavy stone pressed on it, my eyes never seem to be dry, my wheels up there, never cease to slow down, my whole body feels weak. What if I fail them, no, I will not fail them. Anything can to me, maybe I will not be studying, but as long as i am healthy, I will work to not fail them, if that is what it takes.

I must be stupid, right? what's the point of studying hard, what's the meaning of that paper, when I can't keep my loved ones happy? What I am doing? What the hell am I doing? What? :'(