My dear friend,

How do I maintain a good friendship?
It seems like I am failing to do so?
How can I miss my friends so much, yet I do not know how to reach out anymore?
I don't know whether it's a mutual missing?
or have I been forgotten?
Perhaps I am afraid to reach out?
Afraid that I am not welcome anymore?
Or I am afraid I'll be brushed over with simple answers like "yeah I am fine"?
I feel like writing my life story to you, yet I don't wanna bore you down?
I don't wanna feel like a fool?
I don't wanna know that you have moved on, or that I am just a part of your past?
Do tell me, pray tell me, I know I fail in communication
I know I don't do well in responding in proper time
and when I do respond, it seems like it's too late
the gap and the divide has just grown larger

But my dear friend,
I do miss you, and you are in my thoughts constantly
And I am sorry if I let you down
or if I didn't respond
Please don't take to heart
Please find some place to forgive me
Please know that I am always here for you
(if you do a friend, in joy and in pain)

Love,
Me

Negativity and me

I have this whole bunch of negativity stirring in me, bubbling, boiling,

and since its in me, it is suppressed, occasionally rearing its ugly fugly head,

taking down those closest to me, hurting those i love the most

these negative charges- sadness, grief, hurt, inferiority, lack of confidence, loneliness,

need to go, need to leave, need an outlet, need to be let, in a single stream, slow and steadily

I need to let go of every fucking thing that is bringing me down, that is hurting me,

I need to let go of the steam, before I begin my journey away from home

I need to gain some positivity, some hope, some desire of living, some life

I need to live again and belief again, need to love and let go again,

I need so many things, to do so many things, its overwhelming,

but I need to do so

in the hope that I'd never succumb to all this negativity that I have and live the reset of my life

as a walking zombie.

For who I am or for what I have

For who I am or for what I have?

Why can't you see me

for who I am

and not what I have?

Why won't give yourself a chance

if only you could look deeper

you'd see that I've more to offer?

Why should I dress up, to doll up, to look nice

so that you would pass me a look

Am I not beautiful without being made up?

Why do you all go on saying

that if I lost weight, i'd definitely have more suitors

what makes you think that I don't have one already?

Why should I get hurt again and again

by people who cannot accept me as I am

as They only see what I have?

I am tired, Sometime I cry, sometimes I blank out

sometimes it weighs me down, sometimes it makes me frown

I want to shrug it all away,

and just believe in myself,

just accept the way I am,

just keep telling myself I am who I am,

and if you can't see me that way,

and it's your lost!

2 months

Another 3 days, he'll be gone for 2 months

In 2 months many things have happened, mostly good.

But despite all these good things, there's a part of me that feels so alone,

feels like there's a part missing, feels like there nothing that can replace this part,

I miss him. I really really do.

Sometimes he comes to my dream, but when I wake up, I can't remember them at all.

Sometimes it feels like he's still around, still at home, still hanging around...

If I can feel like this, I really don't know ow my mum is coping,

she has been with him for 38 years, 38 long years, always with him, how is she coping?

None like him

Another 6 days, it would be a month since I lost him

Sometimes it feels like he has just taken for another overseas job

(and its easier to think of it like that)

then I remember he won't ever come back,

I wouldn't be seeing a physical manifestation of him anymore

it breaks my heart, it breaks all of our hearts

Sometimes I am just assaulted by memories

many many memories of him

the other i drove past the bus stop,

and i remembered the day we had a flat tyre and with his sickness

he still insisted on changing the tyre, and not letting me do it

(now, who is going to change the tyre for me?)

When i take the bus to work, and all along the federal highway

all I think of is the days, he or Amma drove him to work in Subang

and all this while he was sick while he was fighting his cancer

and just because with my salary, there was no way to support the family

and when i think of this, i feel regretful that till the end of his days

i could never have done enough for him

I could not give him the best that he deserves

I could not repay him all the things he had done for us (from the very beginning)

And when we run out gas, we still don't know how to change the knob

(although he taught me many times, i keep forgetting),

but with no one to pamper us that, I remember it clearly now

And no ones there to cut the tree, change the bulb,

no one watches the favorite channels of his, discovery, science, history, animal planet and whatnot

no one to wait me up in the living room when i come back late in the night

no one who i can bite his face and irritate him with my saliva all over his face

no one to sit in the kennel and play with the puppies

no one who be as strong as my father (even when he was sick)

No matter what i write here, it would never be sufficient to express how much I miss him

No matter what we go through daily life, I don't think any of us (Amma and us) will ever go a day without thinking and missing him

No matter how we pretend that we are fine, and all smiles, each of us carry one big hole in our hearts

because he took it when he left us forever