Don't turn out like me

okay. whenever i hear this "you are going to turn out like her.", it breaks my heart. what is so bad about me. But its okay go ahead and keep saying that to your daughters. and while you keep telling them not to become fat like I am, don't forget to tell them also to NOT become smart like me, NOT to become filial like me, NOT to become an independent lady like I am. No, all you can see is the outer me, thats all you can see and that reflects your shallow-mindedness, you okay, i will be okay, and i will move one from your harmful words, but don forget you are just breeding another shallowminded one like you are.

stopnodontstop

stophogging
stopdrappingyourselfalloverme
stopbreathingdownmyneck
stopjuststop

lovemylove
stoppushingmeaway
stoppretendingyoudontlikethis
stopputtingupthisbarrier

darlingohmydarling
yesyesyesohyouknowmesowell
yesyesyesdontstop
dontyoudarestop

i must have done something really bad in my past life
i have so much to pay back
i have to live to serve
i have to hear unjust even though i live my life for them
i really must have done something very very bad in my past life

Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas!!!

Haven't written for a long time, have I?

I have been melancholy, wondering about my purpose in life..

I work I eat I sleep I work I eat I sleep

I don't have family here, I don't have friends here. But I guess its part and parcel of life.

Usually I am not affected, but since its Christmas, a time where everyone gathers family, friends, lovers, children, cousins, colleagues. So I guess I am human after all. Been thinking that I must have been turned into a robot or something, with the way I live my life.

Anyway, have a merry Christmas and a blessed New Year

sleepless

Sometimes I lie here, unable to sleep because thoughts just keep going back and forth in my head. i dont want to think too much. but i cant stop myself. i am weird generally, on the outer layer, i am strong, cold, harsh, inpenetrable, stubborn. but inside i worry a lot.

you know, if you have been reading my blog since long ago, you would know that my family is very important to me. So when something happens i get worried, i cannot sleep. most of the time, i am the one telling my mom to not worry, everything will work out because thats what i want to believe in. but at night when you are alone, everything resurfaces. it makes me worried.

to the person involved, if you are reading this: how can i help you, if you dont help yourself... on one hand i want to help you but on the other hand i dont want to help you. i understand (no i dont understand and i cannot even remotedly imagine how you felt) you are broken, by someone whom you were bound to, someone whom you love. you could have handled this better, trusted someone to tell them about this, and solved it another way instead you took the road where you hurt yourself, you damaged yourself, and slowly that toxic spread to your family. you should have been firmer in your strength and resolution, you should have left with dignity, and not as you are now. not in way you are now. what you are doing now is highly despicable, not for yourself only, but everyone else involved (and there are many involved). i wished you were less selfish, open your eyes and see that you are not the only one suffering. i want to help you, but i think the only way for me to help you is to let you be. you need to learn to be independent, to learn the harsh reality of life (which you have been pretty cocooned), to rebuild yourself, to find your way and strength and self confidence again. I am sorry, i really am, i cannot do more, but i still cannot forgive what you are doing now (but that doesnt matter, does it). so when you think you have found your way and you have become yourself again, come find me!