Send me a sign, baby!

Are you happy there?
Wherever you are?
Whatever you are doing?
Because that's all I want to know
Because that's all I need to know
Because it's been years
And I have to let you go
And let someone new in
Although you'd probably always remain
somewhere deep, in a tiny corner
my steadily beating heart
So, if you ever see this,
Do send me a sign, 
A sign of your happiness
So my heart can rest in peace

To a friend (who'll never read this)

Someone once told me I am the type who'd do anything for the one I love.
This was said after observing me for so many years.
I don't know how much you had observed in those years.
Did you see through me? Did you see what had happened?
Did you understand, it was not because I didn't trust you enough to let you in?
And it was just because I wanted to keep my loved one safe?
From whom? you'd ask me. And truthfully I don't know.
Perhaps if I'd talked to you, especially when it all ended,
I'd have dealt with everything better, but I never realized,
I really never realized, that you saw through me,
and only when you told me I'm the type who'd anything for my loved one
I knew in my heart, that you probably have always known
So, I want to thank you for putting up with me those years
and sorry if I couldn't be a better friend..

Something I wrote a while back.. unfinished though...maybe one day I'll finish the list :)

My happy moments....

In primary school...

• none really, i don't remember much from primary school. Primary school for me was hell most of the times, where I used work so hard, i could have died, just to make sure, i am just as good as anyone else in class. It was where i learnt that in life you have to struggle, and there will constantly pushing you down, calling you names, destroying hopes and so on, and to face all that shit at that young of an age, makes me who I really am today

In high school...

• playing basketball, i just loved basketball, although i can't run much, but i am a good shooter. haha, i remember losing extremely badly in one of the matches, but ended feeling so good, because we tried our best.
• my english teacher in form 2, the way she motivated the class, made her into my top 5 best teacher list. She made me happy.
• having 3 other good friends (although we had a bad break-up, for reasons i can't even remember), i remember the happy moments, times when we did things together, when we went for tuition all the way at jln ipoh together, how one day it rained so heavily, that we got soaked and had to go back to my house to change, and skip tuition, and then made ourselves foods, and continued to gossip about who and what
• having the "yellow group", hahaha, with our yellow mind, we never cease to amaze each other.
• going to the monitor's house to make farewell gifts of candles, although i din help much in anyway, and our kind monitor made "mango & nestum" for us to try.
• doing all the dramas-orientation, farewelll, merdeka day and what not, dancing to mickey2, eating and eating and watching others eat/more like drink the curry my mum made

Stupid petty tears

your fingers
they inch up slowly
they caress, lightly
and suddenly they grab
"what the hell"
that's my fat
your fingers' pinching
"oww oww oww"
you start laughing
your eyes crinkling
becoming tiny slits
and tears leak out
"Not funny"
"Hurts, damn it"
hurts more in there 
in between the lungs
your fingers
now on my face
poking the corner of my lips
trying to make me smile
twist and turn
trying desperately to move away
to stop these petty tears 
that are threatening to fall
you grab my ankles
pulling me back underneath you
your eyes suddenly all serious
as you whispered into my ears
"I love you, fat and all"

hate myself more than anything

I am a bad person, aren't I?

Hurting so many people in my short live

Thinking that I am always rights,

being obstinate, being stubborn,

being selfish, being irresponsible

I hate myself sometimes......

Too late...

After 7 months...

I am still reflecting

on whether I have made you proud

or did I make you happy

I've hurt you

I've shouted at you

I've showed my long face at you

I'm probably the one you didn't like the most

you did everything with your other daughters

but you couldn't be yourself when I'm around

you had to yourself, right?

you had to pretend, right?

In front of me, because you were afraid of me..

I made you afraid of me

You are father, yet you were the one afraid of me

you had to pretend, 

you had to be someone else with me

How much I must have hurt you

with my temper, with my words

with my inability, with everything that I've caused

I'm sorry, I am really sorry, very sorry..

Sorry that you had a daughter like me...

Sorry...

Letting you go

I held your hand
I brought you near
I tiptoed to reach you
I whispered in your ears

She held your arms
She tugged you close
She grabbed your collar
She planted her lips on yours

You smiled at me
You melted with her
You laughed at me
You embraced her

You desperately held on
You said it was all a mistake
I said damage is done
Please leave and never look back


I let you go
I don't want hold on anymore
I don't want to hurt anymore
I don't want to hate anymore