Worried

I am worried now. What if I don't get either of the scholarship, because seems like they are not calling me for the internal one. So left only the external one, and if I don make that, then how? Then what do I do? In April, I have no more income then how? I don have Gras also. How la?

now i am all bingung, if it doesn't work out, should I just quit midway, or maybe I should not register at all? Oh dear God, is this another one of your test? How many more are you gonna give me? How much longer are you gonna test me? Have I done so much mistakes in my past, that I have to pay so much back? my heart feels like a heavy stone pressed on it, my eyes never seem to be dry, my wheels up there, never cease to slow down, my whole body feels weak. What if I fail them, no, I will not fail them. Anything can to me, maybe I will not be studying, but as long as i am healthy, I will work to not fail them, if that is what it takes.

I must be stupid, right? what's the point of studying hard, what's the meaning of that paper, when I can't keep my loved ones happy? What I am doing? What the hell am I doing? What? :'(

numb

Why do I feel blank, numb?

I don't know how to describe this feeling.

Where do I even begin?

When will it ever end?

This numbness, seeping into my tiny cells,

Sending my mind blank

All i see sometimes is what i do and what i am going to do next

Don't have any hope or aspirations

Did I lose all my confidence alongside my ambitions

When the road I took, decide it would set hurdles

Not any hurdles, but life altering barriers

Along this road, it seems i have lost directions

Lost my sense directions, lost in the woods I am

I am still walking on this road, because it is the road set for me

but I hope I would not lose my soul

As I trudge alone on this empty street

because then life would be meaningles

Sorry

My dear friends,

mian haeyo. jeongmal jeongmal mianhae.

wasted all your time.

Stupid LOVE

This is something I put up on my old blog a few years ago, and today I am feeling the same thing again. I care not to write it again, but when I look through what I wrote, they still hold the same, nothing has changed. Here it goes (yellow) is my previous blog and (red) is my how I feel now, this very minute!

Hmmm.. I am have been thinking, and thinking and pondering real hard (no more thinking too hard, it's there, in front of my eyes, in front of everyone's eyes, no point thinking already)

But still I haven’ found an answer to my question! yeah

When 2 people love each other very much, do they have to hurt each other that very much as well?

I can’t take it to see people who claim to love each other fight like dogs, argue, uncompromising, uncapable of understanding each other, not speaking the mind out, not willing to hear each other out, always hurting each other by the words they say to each other. I can’t take it, i really really cannot take, it pains me terribly moreover if it involves people I love dearly… When they fight, when one hurts the other, when they are trying their best to see who can kill each other with their poisonous words, do they ever stop to think about those around them, or even themselves and how if this person is no more in their life (even if they still are, how would they feel, how much hurt they have to bear through, how much efforts been made, how those witnessing them would feel, how this would end with broken hearts and broken souls?). Have they ever thought, I am angry, yes I am very angry, but why am I letting out my anger on someone i love dearly, someone their very life is interconnected to, someone their very soul is depended on… People can take hurtful to certain amount only, then they will retaliate or worse they will leave, either leaving them or leaving the world once and forever… Why do people take their loved ones for granted? Are they that dispensable? Are they your punching bag? But these are people you love, people you know would support you any time any place (is that the very fact, you are abusing them this way? because you know they will never leave you??)!!!!

When i ask these people, why do you even hurt each other, why do you do this to each other? Why do they fight an quarrel? Why don’t you love the other person anymor?

And the answer is always: “This is life,!!”. “Life is like this” (nowadays its worse, because they themselves don't know why they are in this kind of relationship, the one that breaks your soul)

No, if life is really like this, then I don’t want this type of life.. I don’t want to love anybody, I don’t want to be close to anybody, I don’t want to fight with anyone, I do not want to one day hurt someone I love or be hurt by someone l love. I do not want this type of life.. This is not life, I don’t know what this is, but if this really is LIFE, then forget life, take me somewhere where there is no LIFE. Take me to where the grass is green and the sky is blue, there is ample of clean water, and animals roaming freely according to their food ladder, take me to where there is love and only love. (no, i rephrase, take me to where there is happiness and peace, because LOVE only exists in fairy tales, books, and dramas)

I don’t want this type of LIFE!!! Yes, I don't want this kind of life.

Family

So much to say yet so sometimes it's hard to express in writing.

It's almost a year, 2010 is almost at an end. A year flew by, just like that. At this time last year, I was at Sarawak, crying almost daily, thinking about my future, what lies ahead, how to survive etc etc. Although lots of my best times were in Sarawak, when I was studying, when I worked, it is only now i realize my heart is at peace at home where my family is. I miss all my friends there, but it feels so natural to be at home. Even though, life isn't easy here, I feel glad that I am back home, I don't cry as much as I used to, I can see my loved ones everyday.

One year, I have counted many blessings along the way, faced many hardships, watched many things unfold, seen things I should never see in my life, learnt lessons along. I faced again and again financial problems, never enough to pay this and that off, never enough to spend on myself. I don't really care, as long as I can pay for the loan, water, electricity and provide some food for my family, I am really really thankful. I know how my mother and father worry and feel bad that their daughter is carrying the burden now, I saw tears in my dad's eyes because he could not give us any angpow for Deepavali, where all these years he have given us, no matter little or a lot, I can imagine how he feels, how my mother will always say to me that I cannot do anything I want, because of all that I carry.

But, all that doesn't matter to me, because it is my family, they are my parents, they have done their very best to bring me up to who I am today. And it is my duty, my responsibility to make them happy. Don't feel bad about me, don't think I am not happy because I can't spend anything for myself, because all that matters to me is that my family is happy, your happiness is my happiness.

I also am very thankful that my sister is contributing some to help out with the family, to put food on the table. I am even grateful to my youngest sister, for being a good sister, an understanding sister, who never ask for anything, always trying to not put any burden on us, pushing away all the trips her school organize, because she knows we have no money to spend.

Now, you tell me, how do I not feel thankful and grateful when I have a family like this. Things never go right, but all I care, really care is that I have my family with me.

Stupid depressing mood

Feeling down, feeling down..

why is this feeling back?

This feeling, a yearning, a desire, a want (not necessarily a need)

It comes not very often, once in a blue moon, this feeling I have, this desire I have.

This absurd feeling comes as little as it can, but makes me feel like I've drowned/suffocated a million times.

yet as depressing as it gets, it just disappears over night.

Just like that, i am back to me, the old self me

gone are those feelings, desires, wants...

But they still linger, gnawing my heart, tearing my soul, eating my mind...

I just want to be loved

Your Sol

thankful

But it's not so true, is it?

Life is beautiful, isn't it?

No matter how hard it becomes, we just have to remember to look at what is good, what we still have.

Good: by my definition, is having my family around me, having some friends that stand by me, having a roof under me and my family, having food (even if it is less than before, cheaper than before) on my family's table, having a job that feeds.

I want to thank everyone that have stood/are not waveringly standing by me, I am alive because of you.

Life is beautiful, isn't it?

Ain't it all so true?

I don't know

I used to eat like a hungry wolf. But these days when I eat out I realized that I am almost the last to finish. I enjoy the food I eat, but these days every meal I eat weighs heavily on my shoulders. Each mouthful of food I take, I think how selfish I am, if only I curb my food intake, the money can be used for medicines, bills, provisions and food for home. Yet, each time I still spend some money to eat out, blame it on my lack of will power, lack of discipline, my thorough selfishness for putting myself first before thinking of my family.

Lame, I call myself, giving myself excuses, it is pretty obvious that I need a part time job, an extra income, yet I don't do anything about it. Some people may think: what la this girl, don just complaint, do something about, get a part time job, go earn that extra bit of money. do you wanna listen to my excuses? Apparently, I hate sales (so any sales job is out of the question) and I don't like to give tuition (I don't like to teach for money). Lame lame lame excuses, right? But I don't know how long I can last? I am very tired these days, and I don't think my health is very good either. How am I supposed to stand after work, and on weekends? Will I be able to, if I put my mind to it? Can I really do something I don't like for the sake of my family, knowing how detrimental it will be to my health? I don't know I really don't know.

It is all worse, because sometimes (most of the time) I have to hide all this from public eyes, from my family and my friends. I have to hide my tears, be strong like everyone expects me to be. I am not strong, I often need a shoulder to cry on, but as always I end up writing something stupid like this, sitting in front of the PC and and crying my eyes out. It's too heavy, this burden is too heavy, how much longer can I take before I collapse altogether. Yet, it is my burden, my responsibility to carry, my only thing that still roots me to this life, because in the end I only have my family, and their happiness is my happiness. They are suffering under my incapable hands, their suffering make it the worst, because I keep feeling like I am never doing good enough, never trying hard enough. They never feel that way, I know, but still I cannot bear to see them so unhappy, yet trying to hide it from me, trying to protect me, trying to show that I have done my best.

Am I doing all this wrong? Is everything I do wrong? I don know i really don know

How I wish I had someone to cry to, instead of my pillow and the laptop screen........

In the end, I still don't know.....

Dreams

My dreams (yeah, the ones I have when I sleeping, not the ones during me being conscious), my dreams are becoming nightmares these days.

1) I keep bringing work back in my subconscious mind, so I keep dreaming about work, about things that I haven't done, things that might go awry (yes yes, they are always bad dreams, not one good one, such as getting a promotion/salary raise), sometimes I wake up after dreaming and make notes on things to do in work tomorrow because I'd forgotten about it today.

-- My take on this is probably because I am handling too many things at work, I don't multi-task very well. I prefer to do one thing at a time. I can't be a PA, secretary, office girl, "hey-girl", ordering stuff girl, making sure the things are not running out girl, photocopy girl, babysitter, MLT, research assistant at one time. So, in doing so many things at one go, I often forget small things, and sometimes have no time to do it. But, what the hell, that's my job right? I should do it without complaints. Probably why it has been manifesting in my head at night!

2) i keep having dreams of losing my loved ones, my friends. Mostly they are vivid and almost like real life. An example would be yesterday, I dream meeting up with a "long time no see" friend (A), everything was going well, we were talking, remembering the past, until I suddenly asked him about another friend (B) who I haven seen in a long time, and a lot of our mutual friends also don know what happened to B. Then, A told me that the from what he heard B was suffering from some sort of disease, infection from acinetobacter, and had only a few more weeks to live. Immediately I start crying my eyes out, I was so worried, because no one knew where he was, and I really wanted to see him, really wanted to help him out. I woke up with my heart beating so fast, that the first thing I did, was to pick up the phone, and start texting him (however, I did not msg him because I din know what to say, after so many years of no contact).

--I think this happens probably because subconsciously I miss my school friends very much, and yet I have no courage to meet (no, I din do anything wrong when I was in school to fear them, it's just that I don know what to expect, and also probably I have got the "zi bi zhen", when I stay away from people I once knew unless they are really2 my very good friends). Another reason is probably because I am so worried about my family's and friends' health.

3) natural Disaster are next. Often I dream about Tsunami, esp Tsunami and Great Floods. Once, I dream that I was at an island, and I met a very nice guy who took great interest in me, we were at the seaside tennis court and they were little children every where. Suddenly I see this tsunami coming, it was huge, we turned to run inland, everyone was running, it was one huge confusion, and we were in the court with huge fencing, we heard crying, there was a little all alone at the other end, the one near the sea, he took one look at me, smiled at me, let go of my hand and ran to the kid, all the while shouting to me to run for my life, I din wanna leave but I had another child with me, i couldn't be selfish, I had to protect the child, i ran and when I turned back, I saw him pick up the child and make for the inland, but they were too late, the wave came crashing down, I was pushed to the trees, grabbing hold of them with a child in my arm, to watch him and the other child disappear into nothingness, I cried and cried, but I never let go of the child. Woke up feeling very scared, very sad, wondering will this happen in real life.

--Well, for this I have no other reason besides worrying about the end of the world I guess

4)Moneyless. I dream the other I did not get NSF scholarship, I was so devastated, I was crying like a baby, crying to the kakak at the counter, saying that I cannot survive because I have too much responsibility, too many debts and loans to pay until the kakaks said jgn risau dik, ini bukan akhir dunia, masih blh pinjam loan. I woke up crying, my pillow was wet, I spent another 5 minutes crying and then took my bath and said to myself, so what??

--as the dream reflected, i am most likely worried about my financial situation.

Hahaha, those are some of my nightmares these days, looks like I haven't had a sweet dream for a long time. Hmmm.. wishing myself a goodnight and sweet dream.

I feel I am getting a bit sensitive, a lil quick tempered, very impatient and not understanding.

I am sensitive to peoples' words, peoples' judgement, but the weird thing is I don get angry at them, I get angry at myself, thinking why didn't I do properly, why couldn't finish my job then proceed to something else, why why this why that? Angry at myself, causes me to be quick tempered, a little mistake by others gets on my nerves, i become so impatient. I have been become my old self again? My young old self, whom I don't want to be again!!!

Luckily, this time around I am capable of thinking, thinking of the people around me, why should they bear the brunt of my anger and sensitiveness? There is NO reason for me to be anger, I SHOULD NOT have reasons to be angry. When I feel myself getting angry next time, all I should do is, close my eyes and count, or just leave the area. Haha, easier said than done. I don't wanna feel angry anymore, I have too many other stuff to do in life, too many people to look after, too many people who loves my smile rather than my frown. I don't my anger to get the better of me, no matter how deep/ how troubled I am.

I love you all too much

Once again, i can't find sleep. I am so SLEEPY, yet I can't sleep. My eyes seem very tired these days. People always ask me, am I not having enough sleep/ why am I so tired. Sleep is evading me, oh sleep, please come back,I need you desperately.
lullaby for myself,
Are you sleeping
Are you sleeping
Are you sleeping,
Morning bells are ringing
ding ding doong.. DOOONG

AAAHHH...going off now,don't care,force myself to sleep.. good night world ;(

He's just not mine

One of my poems from my english class during undergraduate class, just thought of sharing

It was just another day

I sat on a heap of hay

Wondering why the sky’s so gray

No more lovely, cheerful May

Then I took a walk down the bay

At the quay I saw him sway

Aye, I felt my heart led astray

Watching him from far away

As I closed in, I started to pray

Wishing he would stop and say

“Pretty gal over there, hey!!!”

But all I heard was donkey bray

Everyday I watched him like he was prey

I wanted him so badly, I’d pay

Patiently I waited; I feared I’ll turn clay

Under Mr. Sun’s frightful ray

One day, he took a turn and came my way

The drums in my heart began to play

I knew it wanted to do a relay

So, I stopped him and made him stay

I could feel him start to fray

All around, I saw birds named Jay

My heart painfully did they slay

With the news that he was gay

happiness

When I was younger, I had more ambition, more will, more imagination and lots of hope. Now, I look at myself in the mirror, what happened to my ambitions, my will power, my vivid imagination, where is hope? I look like a lost soul in search of something. These days all i ever ask and pray for is happiness. There is a lot of unhappiness in me,my family, friends and the world in general. I worry for many things,but mostly I am afraid that I can never give my family the happiness we need. My mum is worried about my dad and my dad is worried about financial situation. How do I make them happy?
what is happiness? Just because I am smiling,laughing and goofing around,does that mean I'm happy? Am I truly happy inside? Am I at bliss? questions after questions, where do I seek my happiness? How do I do it? Do I just need a change of attitude, a change of perspective?
Perhaps I should just not worry about things ahead, what comes will come, just learn to accept them. Perhaps I should just be at the present, forget the past, ignore the future, just look at now, appreciate every single thing i have now, my family, my friends, love, work, everything lil miracle that appears, yes perhaps that's what I am looking for, that's where my HAPPINESS lie at. God bless =)

很烦啊。

Can't you try to understand? Yes, maybe it's my fault, maybe I am not working hard enuf but I am trying my best. Why do you make me feel this way? Why? We are all in this together, just as long as we are together, all of us together, isn't that enough? Yes, money is tight. We cannot do the best in this situation, but we have a roof to live under, electric and water to use. We cannot eat the best of food but we still have food. Most importantly, we have each other, we are living together, we are going through this together, why would you want to make a situation already desperate even worse? Please try to understand, I know how important money is. I know we have to pay for this and that and medicine and chemo and bags and what not. I believe we will manage. We WILL manage, don't worry I will settle all our debts before I leave this world. Please just try to understand that I know how GRIM the situation is, but I am just trying to be THANKFUL for what we have and HAPPY that everyone is still living and together.

I pray and pray, sometimes I want to ignore my prayers but I know how much GRACE God has given us, how much He has helped us, how much more HE Will help us. It is just another passing stage, a stage where lessons and karma are to be paid back. We will pay back and not succumb into failure. We have to come out stronger ever than before.

insomnia... can't sleep these days and night
losing sleep is no fun
feels like a zombie walking around
with ggreat panda eyes
and droopy shoulders
i am so tired, tired of many things
but i am happy because i have my family around, some good friends around, some good friends far far away
i wanna sleep but sleep peacefully
YAAAAAWWWWNNNNNN zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ice cream

Someone once told me: Someone who loves to eat ice cream, is a very lonely person."

Because I sat down and ate a whole tub of ice cream by myself. Was I lonely? Am I lonely?

Perhaps it is true, I am a lonely person, I sat down, ate the ice cream, thinking of the past/present/future, shed some lonely tears, and moved on with life.

I still do that sometimes.

But I love ice cream, it is not only when I am lonely I eat ice cream, I eat it when I am HAPPY, PANICKY, STRESSED, IN LOVE, OUT OF LOVE, WITH FRIENDS, TEMPTED.

I just love ice creams.. Standing in front of Baskins/Haagen/Lecka/Gelato, I can't ever make up my mind to eat which. Although most of the times, I just end looking at them because of their high prices, and end up eating McD's RM1 tax excluded ICE cream. Poor me. Give me an opportunity and lots of money, everyday I could but an ice cream to eat and never get bored with that much of variety around.

Hmmmm.. Ice cream oh ice cream.. I am so craving for one :)

Mother's Day

My dear Mother,

Today's Mother's Day,and yet once again I don't have anything to give this lady, my mum.

Chandra Davee is her name. The name of the woman who brought me and my sisters up. The amount of sacrifice she has given for the sake of her family, for us, only we know, only God knows. We have been naughty, lazy, rebellious, inattentive, uncaring, sometimes so rude, it would have torn her heart into a million pieces each time we said or did somethings. Yet, this lady stood by us, and is still standing by us, no matter how good or how bad we have been. Only a lady like her, can endure everything life has set for her, the pain, the hurt, and the good and happy times.

From my memories, (i have a short term memory) I remember her coming to school every afternoon to feed me (because I was a vegetarian, and there was no food available in the canteen), she would check my homework, help me out with my homework, teach me this and that, she would meet my school teachers regularly for an update on my progress (although at that time I hated that), she would check my schoolbag/drawer for rubbish (as usual, I will always kena hemtam), she would carry thameesha in one hand, mayuri's bag in another, tagging me along to catch the bus from sentul to chow kit, form chow kit to klang bus stand, from klang bus stand to brickfields, so that we can go for dance classes. When we finally got a van, at the age of 39, she went and took up driving lessons, so she will be able to drive us to school,classes etc. Until now, she does all of the housework, she makes sure there is food for us, she takes care of her husband, as well as her kids. She pays bills, drives around for endless chores, she .......

She cries very often now, worried about many things, too many things that make her sad.

I feel like a useless daughter to you, amma. I cannot even make you happy for a day. I am unable to bring peace nor happiness to you. I am really sorry I cannot do anything for you now.

But you must know, one day, when I am successful, when my time has come, I will never forget what you have done for us. I will try to repay as much as I can, although no matter how much I pay, it will never be enough to repay all the love and sacrifice you have given us.

Amma, I am sorry for all the wrongs I have done and am still doing. I love you, no we love you. I can give assurance, that we all love you and appa so much that even if next life we were born, I will still want to be your daughter. You are the bestest mother in the world. Happy Mother's Day!!! :)

Death

Once again, I am not feeling too well. Physically I am fine, it's my heart that isn't feeling too well.

Too many things going on. What is my focus now? Where I am standing now?

Can I talk about death? (I know, an abrupt change of topic). Or maybe I've been thinking about death all these time?

Hmmm... I've always said I am not afraid of death, until recently I realized that actually I am terrified of death. I am not scared about dying, it's more like I am scared of people around me dying.

I, for one, cannot handle death of anybody, be it stranger, a friend or a family. I never go to funerals, I avoid them like plague (the last funeral I've been was my grandfather in 1995). I was still a child then, but very much more braver than I am now. I can't bear to see my loved ones on a deathbed, even the thought of them dying, just makes me feel like crying.

But, everyone has to go one right? But I want to the first to go, I don't want to see my dad/mum/uncle/sisters/relatives/friends go before me, especially those close to me. I feel like I would naturally follow them to wherever they are, I feel like I might go into depression and never come out again, or I might go insane.

I am not one who shows much affection, or emotion, the only thing I do, is try to be happy, how do I deal with death? But in my heart, I cry, I laugh, I love, I care, and when I am going to lose someone I love very much, I don't think I'll be able to take it anymore, I might just succumb to whatever that is in store for me, I'm not as strong/ cold-hearted as a lot people see me, I am just another weak one, weak when it comes to losing the ones I love.

So, Dear God, please listen to my prayers, I am praying real hard. Please let my parents, my sisters, my uncles and aunties, my friends live a long happy life. Keep them strong and healthy. Keep them always happy. Please God, please do this for me. Please let them all live longer than I will.

I suddenly have this urge to talk about the guys I have had fallen for.

My 1st one, is a guy from school. About my height, not muscular (almost towards being thin), small but charming eyes, and a smile that could lift my world. We were good friends. We hung out quite a bit. But by the time i realized i liked him, he already had a girlfriend. But that never stopped us in being friends. Not many realized i liked him, except for a few close friends. And they were not very happy with my choice. said i had absolutely bad taste in men. But he was my first, I did not listen. When he broke up with his girl, I stood by him. I watched his tears, his anger, I consoled, and was a shoulder for him to cry. It pained me to see him cry. Months later, I finally found the courage to tell him that I like him. He rejected me but in a nice way (I think). It did not really hurt me much, I was just glad we still could be friends, even if I had to forget about him. when we left school and parted, we still wrote to each other (absence of hp and my particular interest in writing letters). We talked bout stuff and so on. he always gave me advice. But, slowly letters stopped coming in, i guess that was bcoz we both were busy with our own life. Then, one day, I met him (and his friends) at a bus. He pretended to not know me, he did that, he just ignored me. Not a word, nothing at all. I was so disappointed. Extremely disappointed, not to mention the fact that we rode the same bus. I was crying all the way back home, I cried and cried, and cried. I just couldn't believe he did that. He could not love me back,I understand, but I couldn't accept that he ignored a close friend. He tore my heart. It took me months to recover, to forget and even longer to forgive. My heart never became the same again after that.

My 2nd was during my Uni years. This guy is slightly taller than me, looks more muscular, wears specs, walks straight with an air of arrogance. I was first attracted to his voice. To the way he dared to ask what was on his mind without fearing that people might hate him. He's always alone, walks alone, eats alone. I like him from the very beginning. But his arrogance, really left a distaste in my mouth. I talked about him in Chinese, not realizing that he knows Chinese. Too late, but he din say anything. He probably din realize i existed. Then our first group assignment together, the first sentence he asked me was, why i did i speak such bad BM. I was surprised and covered myself with a joke. But i did not hate him, I was awed by his frankness, even though it hurt. All it did was to allow my admiration for him to grow. yet I was never in his eyes. I did not know anything about him as well. For 3 years I liked him secretly. Watching him, listening to him, feeling his pain when he told me he was dumped, watching him pretend to be happy, trying to understand him. But nothing was done face to face, all was through msges. We never talked when in public unless the occasion permitted it. I always wondered why was it like that.

Maybe you were wondering did ever tell him I loved him? Yeah, I did after 4 years i told him. Of course, only to be rejected again. "Definitely not your fault", he said, just like the first guy, "definitely nothing to do with u". Hmmmm, I was hurt by the first guy i liked, maybe if i did not have that much fear in me, perhaps i would have gotten the second one? Or maybe (like i prefer to believe) these were all not meant to be. I will meet someone who will truly love and take care of me. And if I don't, it's ok because I've loved and am being loved right now by all those around me. I am thankful for their presence and unending love for me. :)

Depression?

I think I have lots of pent up anger in me. Most of my anger is just towards myself, I am angry with myself for many reasons. Some I know, I should not be angry with myself, yet I can't help but be angry with myself.

I don't know what I am doing with my life. How long more will stay just as undecided as I am now. I cannot make up my mine, I cannot decide on what to do now. I know I have to work, yet my heart just doesn't want to settle for a work, just any work. Naturally, my greatest desire is to study once more. The job I am doing now (research assistant) is the best that I know of that will give me some money yet allow me to learn new things. But the pay is just not enough to support my family. This brings my heart and brains into a conflict, staying always undecided, don't know which way to take. One is rooting for more money (less freedom) and another more education and flexibility. Yet, I just can't decide.

For me, this seems the best just yet. However, I am angry because it is all I can do. I feel a great sense of disappointment with myself. As the eldest in my family, I am practically not contributing anything at all. I am 26years old and yet I can't give the best to my family, I can't relief them of their worries, i don't seem to be able to do anything. The disappointment I feel,slowly turned into anger, and now is quietly pent up in me. I am afraid of what might become, when this anger erupts, how many people am I going to hurt and at the same time, how much am i going to hurt myself.

I don't feel right at all. It is like I am waiting for something to happen. But what will happen, if I just continue sitting here, doing nothing useful. I am like a zombie, moving here and there, trying hard to live, but emotionless except for my budding anger, which is doing me nothing good.

God help me. Please send me your angel to guide me. Or please show me some sign that I am doing this right. God, dear God, I have faith in you, please help me put some faith in myself, so I'll believe myself, believe that I can make it work. I have to make it work, I have to proof that I am no useless person, not a useless daughter, sister, friend and human! Please shed some light......

missing

My sister's wedding was on the 22nd of March. It was a beautiful wedding. Mayuri look absolutely gorgeous that day. Sushant looked very handsome too. Should I put up some pictures as well? But then, why waste my time when I am talking to space, it's not like space will understand or see the pics.

Sometimes I feel so tired and pent up, I have no friends to talk to here, i left everyone I trust (of course, I trust my family, but it impossible to tell them everything, sometimes we don't even share the same wavelength) in Sarawak. Most of my friends here, I have not met them for so long, I feel so disconnected with them, i don't think it will be easy to talk to them.

Talking seems like a very good remedy for lonely souls, I miss talking,i miss laughing, joking, walking together, eating together, watching movies together, working together, fighting with each other, going for aerobics, dancing, clubbing, driving out for fun, once in awhile dinner, shopping for cheap pretty clothes. I miss many things, little things that made me feel alive, and made all my troubles seem far away.

Have been out distributing my sister's wedding card. Not a fun job,but it's exciting to see people we call relatives but hardly know each another, what are our relationship. With a smile plastered on my face, it seems like a easy job.

However, that's not my point for today. today, I am here to clarify one thing. It IS my SECOND sister getting married, and yes I am the ELDEST and I am not married.

It seems people are worried for me whenever they find out I am the eldest, and my younger sister is actually getting married before me. They tell me, don't worry, your time will come too, and more oftenly i hear people say, don't worry, you are very pretty and maybe you need to lose some weight, but still you are very pretty.

The truth is I don't need that comforting words (you call those comforting words, I call them an Insult). I am very fine with my sister getting married before me. In fact I am happy she has found her "the one" and has decided to get married.

@@@* sidetracking a little* She may be young, but if she thinks this is right, I am all for her decision. So people out there wondering (dying for a gossip, speculating) why she is getting married young, it's is none of your business why she gets married young. In this life, i think we should stop looking at age, age doesn't mean you are wise or not, it's maturity that counts. If you are ready for marriage then you are, if not then you're not. It's as simple as that!@@@

Back to my story, yeah, I am not worried bout my lil sis getting married before me. And so please don't be worried for me. I have my own reasons to why I'm not ready to marry. In fact, I have a lot reasons to not want marriage yet, but it's none of your business, right? Well, if u think you have a right to know why, we can have a discussion, like the many I've had before.

So, quit telling me I am pretty and not to worry, because I know I am pretty and I am not worried. It's just not my time *yet*. And thanks for your concern. :)

It's raining

It's raining.

These days I feel like I have nothing to say. In fact, it's been awhile since I have blogged or written or was imaginative. I have nothing to say anymore? nothing to think of? nothing that excites me? have I become another one of those mundane people, doing their mundane things in life, not realizing that life is passing by, that time is ticking away? I may very well seem to be that.

No, actually, I realized that many things are not to be spoken of, to be thought of, to be seen with, to be heard upon. When I started feeling down, troubled, awful, sad, hopeless, and all negative sometime last year, I started to tune things out, instead of seeking a solution, I ran away, I hid myself. And very deep and well I hid myself, holding back on tears, keeping quiet, fighting the urge to scream. I turned to watching sitcoms, Korean dramas, these things tuned me out from the real world, they bring me to a world of their own, and they keep me there. But, how long could they keep me there, one day or another I had to come out and face the world.

All these months, I have a smile on my face, no matter how hard it became, I smiled, to hide everything, to not make people worry, to not hurt people. It's is very hard to smile when all you feel is to sit down and cry your eyes out, and most days that was what I felt like doing. Sometimes, I cried on my way walking back, sometimes when I was in my room, rarely did I cry on my friends' shoulders because crying alone is all I can do.

Maybe all these crying, hiding and finding fantasy worlds have numbed me, have altered some part of me, that I no longer am able to write something interesting.

Whatever it is, it may very well seem like I am talking to myself again :)

Some random thoughts of mine:

{The few posts before this were taken from my friendster blog.}

[It's 1am and I'm not asleep, considering the fact that i slept at 11plus last night and woke up at 5 this morning. I am so tired, but my brain is so restless. Why? I don't know why, or maybe I do know but I just don't want to acknowledge them.]

~Does anyone actually read my blog? why would you be reading my blog? who am i communicating with?~

#I miss kuching very much. i miss my friends very much, friends whom I have only known for 5 years yet stood by me through sunshine and rain. I miss my ex-colleagues who I thinks loves me dearly, I miss going out ang having fun, i miss dancing, I miss aerobics in the gym, i miss talking the most#

^I hate the busy life here in KL. It is really stressful. Come on people, chill out a bit^

*Is it the coffee?? is that why i am still awake?*

@go to sleep, go to sleep@

Hope

A glimmer of hope, hope that everything will be fine between us… that’s it, that’s all I had left: hope. But you had to go and dash it, break it and shatter it.



Hope…



The very word that brings out some other emotions in me…The very word I love and hate… More that I love and hate my self… What is this hope? What?



According to wikipedia: Hope, is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. To hope is to wish for something with the expectation of the wish being fulfilled



Everyone hopes for one thing or another; hopes to be someone one day, hopes for wealth, success and happiness. But, these are just general hopes, I’d bet everyone has similar hopes. How about specific hopes/wishes and how about giving others hope?



I think it is because of hope, a lot of people are depressed, angry, sad, hopeless, devastated, frustrated… Why? It’s because they have placed too much hope on something they have been wanting, expecting the person to fully understand and comprehend what you are hoping for.



It could be,

“I hope you wouldn’t lie to me anymore”

“I hope that you can stop and listen to me for awhile”

“I hope tomorrow I would very rich”



Or perhaps, it could be

-parents having high hopes on their children, to achieve things and stuff

-couples hoping for positive changes in each other”



Or, it may be simple things like,

#hoping for people to understand each other

#hoping that someone realizes that they are hurting someone else

#hoping that people realize that you wear masks and you are not happy as you look



Hope, a lot of people have hopes and desires but they never speak of their desire and hopes, well, I guess that’s why it is called hope. But sometimes, certain things, by just having hope, things aren’t going to go like you want them to, or worse your hope might be dashed.



Found this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/09/magazine/09_23_hope.html by Marina Krakovsky in the New York Times

“Hope Can Be Worse Than Hopelessness”



Of coz hope has its positive side, the side which I love, hoping by practicing/having an action which leads towards the hope you have…



I hope I was thin, well, I can’t just sit there hoping for it, can I? I’ll have to do something about it, right?

I hope there will be a change in the government and its policies, but I can’t just whine and cry about it, can I? I’ll to play a part, like go and vote, right?

I hope there will world peace, but that ain’t so easy, but I could start at home, respecting each another’s’ culture and differences, each another’s religion would be the first step.

I hope for you to understand me, perhaps, people would if I talked about myself more? Or perhaps if people opened their ears and listened with their heart? Or perhaps, it’s just better I don’t have like this kind of a hope, because, knowing the nature of human, ok, and myself, it’s best I don’t have this kind of hope at all….

Loneliness

Loneliness…



Loneliness…



Loneliness…



How many of us here are afraid of loneliness? I think most people are afraid of being lonely. Perhaps that’s why we surround ourselves with people, friends, family and enemies. And when one has no choice, and is always lonely without family and friends, why does he do? He’ll probably find lots of work to do, chores to finish and any excuses so that he wouldn’t feel lonely. But then when everything is done, he doesn’t have any work left, and he doesn’t have anyone around, what does he do? He could meditate (meditation is another topic I love but don’t practise) and whisk himself to a totally different world altogether, well, that’s if he knows the proper technique of meditation. But if a lonely person doesn’t find a way to rid himself of loneliness, this loneliness will slowly eat into his soul, leaving a permanent mark on his soul, making him all reclusive. He will slowly succumb into this feeling of loneliness, feeling that he will always be alone and letting the loneliness win, creating an empty soul. How many people in this world are so lonely and empty? Hmmm.. I wonder…



I am lonely too. So far away from home, from my parents, from my sisters, from people who love me. Here, I have friends, but somehow, there is nagging sense of loneliness. Then, I wonder, perhaps loneliness is NOT JUST about having people around you. It is just not about having people around you, but more to having people you trust and are completely comfortable with, even if it means just having a single person in your life, would completely change the scenario of being lonely. Just one person whom you can talk your heart out to, just one person who is willing to open his/her heart and listen to what you have to say. I wish there were many more people out there to listen to people, listen to what they have to say… So far, I have never actually met a person who actually listens, and when I say listen, I mean not just with the ears but with the heart, without interrupting the conversation with some other things or telling their own problems when another is pouring their heart out. That’s probably the ONE main reason I don’t tell people my problems, it’s sometimes their attitude that puts me off and make me decide that I will never share any of my problems with that person. I, may be for some people, a tad sensitive and demanding and perhaps with a high expectation of people but that’s the way I am. And this could be the very reason I feel lonely, because I haven’t found someone who I can communicate heart to heart…



“Nobody knows who I really am,

I’ve never felt this empty before,

If I ever need someone to come along,

Who’s gonna comfort me and keep me strong”

(Quoted from the song Life is like a boat, Bleach)



What I can do? The only thing I try to do is to not let this loneliness eat my soul away by always remembering that even if I am faraway from my family and I don’t have that “someone” and lots of friends, I still and always will have people loving me, people who have and will be my guiding souls in times of need, people who are always happy for me and try to make me happy, people who know me and inspire me, people who are my role models, people who need me even if it is just for a short time, people who have taught me many things in life… remembering all these, chases the feeling of being lonely in this world.



Loneliness… I am not afraid of you……

such a fool…

How is it always, we end up hurting people we love?

How is we do not realize, what we say/do hurt another?

Are we ignorant to the fact that everyone has feelings?

Are we just plain stupid?

I said I love you, you said I love you too.

But is just saying these words enough for everyone?

Are we just satisfied by these words?

Don’t action count? A hug, a pat, a kiss, a comforting shoulder, a smile, and all the other tiny tiny actions, don’t they count too?

Why do we fight? Why do argue? Why do we quarrel? Why do we pull long faces at each another?

Is it true that there are no marriages without fights?

Can there be a happy marriage without fight?

Is it not possible?

Is it also true that fights/quarrels/arguments, build a stronger marriage/patnership?

Look at ourselves, where have we gotten to? What have we done? Why is there fights when we love each another?

Ego? Self-centeredness? Selfish?

Shattered

i am sitting here

alone and so full of tear

they understand d meaning of near

yet so far away to be heard

why don u open ur eyes

look out and become wise

for he’ll always remain iced

it’s u who believed in his lies

i can’t accept the truth

dun speak dun talk jus be mute

it can’t be him, he was so crude

it’s not him that brought me to this route

now u blame me for speakin

see u, i didn’t say nothing

for it is u who shud be listening

out there for the wind whisperin

shush shush…………………………..

……………………………………………

…………………………………………….

no i cannot hear nothing…………..

Testing

My first post on blogspot

HELLO WORLD