insomnia... can't sleep these days and night
losing sleep is no fun
feels like a zombie walking around
with ggreat panda eyes
and droopy shoulders
i am so tired, tired of many things
but i am happy because i have my family around, some good friends around, some good friends far far away
i wanna sleep but sleep peacefully
YAAAAAWWWWNNNNNN zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ice cream

Someone once told me: Someone who loves to eat ice cream, is a very lonely person."

Because I sat down and ate a whole tub of ice cream by myself. Was I lonely? Am I lonely?

Perhaps it is true, I am a lonely person, I sat down, ate the ice cream, thinking of the past/present/future, shed some lonely tears, and moved on with life.

I still do that sometimes.

But I love ice cream, it is not only when I am lonely I eat ice cream, I eat it when I am HAPPY, PANICKY, STRESSED, IN LOVE, OUT OF LOVE, WITH FRIENDS, TEMPTED.

I just love ice creams.. Standing in front of Baskins/Haagen/Lecka/Gelato, I can't ever make up my mind to eat which. Although most of the times, I just end looking at them because of their high prices, and end up eating McD's RM1 tax excluded ICE cream. Poor me. Give me an opportunity and lots of money, everyday I could but an ice cream to eat and never get bored with that much of variety around.

Hmmmm.. Ice cream oh ice cream.. I am so craving for one :)

Mother's Day

My dear Mother,

Today's Mother's Day,and yet once again I don't have anything to give this lady, my mum.

Chandra Davee is her name. The name of the woman who brought me and my sisters up. The amount of sacrifice she has given for the sake of her family, for us, only we know, only God knows. We have been naughty, lazy, rebellious, inattentive, uncaring, sometimes so rude, it would have torn her heart into a million pieces each time we said or did somethings. Yet, this lady stood by us, and is still standing by us, no matter how good or how bad we have been. Only a lady like her, can endure everything life has set for her, the pain, the hurt, and the good and happy times.

From my memories, (i have a short term memory) I remember her coming to school every afternoon to feed me (because I was a vegetarian, and there was no food available in the canteen), she would check my homework, help me out with my homework, teach me this and that, she would meet my school teachers regularly for an update on my progress (although at that time I hated that), she would check my schoolbag/drawer for rubbish (as usual, I will always kena hemtam), she would carry thameesha in one hand, mayuri's bag in another, tagging me along to catch the bus from sentul to chow kit, form chow kit to klang bus stand, from klang bus stand to brickfields, so that we can go for dance classes. When we finally got a van, at the age of 39, she went and took up driving lessons, so she will be able to drive us to school,classes etc. Until now, she does all of the housework, she makes sure there is food for us, she takes care of her husband, as well as her kids. She pays bills, drives around for endless chores, she .......

She cries very often now, worried about many things, too many things that make her sad.

I feel like a useless daughter to you, amma. I cannot even make you happy for a day. I am unable to bring peace nor happiness to you. I am really sorry I cannot do anything for you now.

But you must know, one day, when I am successful, when my time has come, I will never forget what you have done for us. I will try to repay as much as I can, although no matter how much I pay, it will never be enough to repay all the love and sacrifice you have given us.

Amma, I am sorry for all the wrongs I have done and am still doing. I love you, no we love you. I can give assurance, that we all love you and appa so much that even if next life we were born, I will still want to be your daughter. You are the bestest mother in the world. Happy Mother's Day!!! :)

Death

Once again, I am not feeling too well. Physically I am fine, it's my heart that isn't feeling too well.

Too many things going on. What is my focus now? Where I am standing now?

Can I talk about death? (I know, an abrupt change of topic). Or maybe I've been thinking about death all these time?

Hmmm... I've always said I am not afraid of death, until recently I realized that actually I am terrified of death. I am not scared about dying, it's more like I am scared of people around me dying.

I, for one, cannot handle death of anybody, be it stranger, a friend or a family. I never go to funerals, I avoid them like plague (the last funeral I've been was my grandfather in 1995). I was still a child then, but very much more braver than I am now. I can't bear to see my loved ones on a deathbed, even the thought of them dying, just makes me feel like crying.

But, everyone has to go one right? But I want to the first to go, I don't want to see my dad/mum/uncle/sisters/relatives/friends go before me, especially those close to me. I feel like I would naturally follow them to wherever they are, I feel like I might go into depression and never come out again, or I might go insane.

I am not one who shows much affection, or emotion, the only thing I do, is try to be happy, how do I deal with death? But in my heart, I cry, I laugh, I love, I care, and when I am going to lose someone I love very much, I don't think I'll be able to take it anymore, I might just succumb to whatever that is in store for me, I'm not as strong/ cold-hearted as a lot people see me, I am just another weak one, weak when it comes to losing the ones I love.

So, Dear God, please listen to my prayers, I am praying real hard. Please let my parents, my sisters, my uncles and aunties, my friends live a long happy life. Keep them strong and healthy. Keep them always happy. Please God, please do this for me. Please let them all live longer than I will.

I suddenly have this urge to talk about the guys I have had fallen for.

My 1st one, is a guy from school. About my height, not muscular (almost towards being thin), small but charming eyes, and a smile that could lift my world. We were good friends. We hung out quite a bit. But by the time i realized i liked him, he already had a girlfriend. But that never stopped us in being friends. Not many realized i liked him, except for a few close friends. And they were not very happy with my choice. said i had absolutely bad taste in men. But he was my first, I did not listen. When he broke up with his girl, I stood by him. I watched his tears, his anger, I consoled, and was a shoulder for him to cry. It pained me to see him cry. Months later, I finally found the courage to tell him that I like him. He rejected me but in a nice way (I think). It did not really hurt me much, I was just glad we still could be friends, even if I had to forget about him. when we left school and parted, we still wrote to each other (absence of hp and my particular interest in writing letters). We talked bout stuff and so on. he always gave me advice. But, slowly letters stopped coming in, i guess that was bcoz we both were busy with our own life. Then, one day, I met him (and his friends) at a bus. He pretended to not know me, he did that, he just ignored me. Not a word, nothing at all. I was so disappointed. Extremely disappointed, not to mention the fact that we rode the same bus. I was crying all the way back home, I cried and cried, and cried. I just couldn't believe he did that. He could not love me back,I understand, but I couldn't accept that he ignored a close friend. He tore my heart. It took me months to recover, to forget and even longer to forgive. My heart never became the same again after that.

My 2nd was during my Uni years. This guy is slightly taller than me, looks more muscular, wears specs, walks straight with an air of arrogance. I was first attracted to his voice. To the way he dared to ask what was on his mind without fearing that people might hate him. He's always alone, walks alone, eats alone. I like him from the very beginning. But his arrogance, really left a distaste in my mouth. I talked about him in Chinese, not realizing that he knows Chinese. Too late, but he din say anything. He probably din realize i existed. Then our first group assignment together, the first sentence he asked me was, why i did i speak such bad BM. I was surprised and covered myself with a joke. But i did not hate him, I was awed by his frankness, even though it hurt. All it did was to allow my admiration for him to grow. yet I was never in his eyes. I did not know anything about him as well. For 3 years I liked him secretly. Watching him, listening to him, feeling his pain when he told me he was dumped, watching him pretend to be happy, trying to understand him. But nothing was done face to face, all was through msges. We never talked when in public unless the occasion permitted it. I always wondered why was it like that.

Maybe you were wondering did ever tell him I loved him? Yeah, I did after 4 years i told him. Of course, only to be rejected again. "Definitely not your fault", he said, just like the first guy, "definitely nothing to do with u". Hmmmm, I was hurt by the first guy i liked, maybe if i did not have that much fear in me, perhaps i would have gotten the second one? Or maybe (like i prefer to believe) these were all not meant to be. I will meet someone who will truly love and take care of me. And if I don't, it's ok because I've loved and am being loved right now by all those around me. I am thankful for their presence and unending love for me. :)